


The Things We Do At Night

by TiaJuh



Series: The Night Series [1]
Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst and Feels, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Incest, M/M, Romance, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-20 12:26:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 56,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14260947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiaJuh/pseuds/TiaJuh
Summary: Five times Taylor and Zac shared a bed.And one they didn't.





	1. The First Night

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. This fic is a collection of moments through their lives highlighting their relationship. It's completed, but I'm going to post it in parts so I can see what you guys are thinking, so I'd love some comments and some kudos. 
> 
> As always I have some people to thank, without then this wouldn't exist.
> 
> First [midnightwriter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightwriter), my rock, without her support, reading about a fandom she doesn't even care about, this would remain on my computer and it would never see the light of the day.
> 
> [EverydayARunaway](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverydayARunaway), my Hanson source, my guru, everything I didn't know about them I'd ask her and she would DEFINITELY have the answer. Or the video. Either way, this would be a lot more inaccurate without her. 
> 
> I have six months on this fandom and I already wrote a fic with six chapters. These boys have their appeal. I'm making my disclaimer already that whatever that you find that is a little inaccurate is probably something I had to adapt so the story could make sense. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy, and please let me know if you do.

When Hanson first started touring with a real tour bus, Taylor decided that he was top bunk kind of guy. He definitely preferred to be higher up, and he didn’t have this kind of privilege back home, so he was quick to claim a top bunk for himself as soon as they got on the bus. He actually like it more on his crammed sleep retreat than being on the lounge with everyone sometimes.

Their lives had become so hectic so fast after ‘MMMBop’, that it was nice to have a place to slow down. Taylor was only 14 and he already had lived so much in a matter of a year, and as much as he was grateful for all the stuff he and his brothers got to experience thanks to this new lifestyle, sometimes he was just a tired teenage boy.

At that moment, he was fast asleep on his cozy bunk, the sway of the bus sliding smoothly through the highway lulling him into his slumber. He was always glad when they actually managed to do a real show and not interviews or acoustic sets, but he had to admit that a full 45-minute set most times would take a toll on him. After good 30 minutes outside signing for screaming girls, they had been able to return to the bus around midnight, their ears still ringing and still feeling a little blind by the flashlights.

Isaac had been the first to call it a night, saying his legs couldn’t support his body anymore and that he needed sleep. Taylor hang back for a while, watching Zac play some annoying-sounding game on his Nintendo, his little hands rapidly moving through the buttons as though he didn’t spend the last hour with a firm grip on drumsticks.

Taylor’s own hands were cramping terribly from playing the keys for the third night in a roll, and he wondered if he would have to retire early from piano playing. Zac didn’t seem fazed though, his thumbs pressing insistently on the colorful set of buttons on his Nintendo 64 controller and his brown eyes glued to the TV. Ah, to be young, Taylor thought.

Denying Zac’s offer to join him on the game, Taylor bid the boy goodnight, ruffling his hair (“Go away, Tay!”) and went to the back of the bus to his precious bunk. He knew Zac would be ok since their father were still lounging on the main room, and the guys from the support band hadn’t gone to bed either.

Taylor changed and brushed his teeth on the small lavatory they had on the bus, before finally climbing on his bunk and closing the curtain. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep, seeing he was exhausted. With the sound of Zac’s game still coming from the lounge and Isaac’s snores, Taylor drift off into a dreamless slumber.

It felt like not even a minute had passed since he closed his eyes when the sounds of someone’s exertion to climb his bunk brought him back to consciousness. In his semi-awake state, Taylor registered the commotion, but some part of him still believed it was happening inside his head. The sounds continued however, grunts and puffs of breath, and soon enough he felt a smaller body squeeze its way next to him, settling against his back.

Taylor was lying on his side, facing the wall, with an arm under the pillow and the other resting against his middle. He continued to ignore the new presence on his bunk until he felt a hand creeping under his free arm, to rest on his hip.

“What the hell…?” Taylor did his best not to raise his voice, scrambling to a half-sitting position, as much as the low ceiling on his bunk would allow him. Next to him was a guilty-looking Zac, avoiding his gaze as well as he could on the crammed up space. “Zac, what are you doing?”

The boy didn’t answer, but made no mention to leave. He kept eyeing Taylor, his expression a mix of embarrassment and apprehension. He looked like he wanted to say something, but didn’t know how to start. Taylor thought about pushing him out and let him smash on the floor, but then he thought about Zac breaking an arm and not being able to play and gave up on the idea.

Besides, his younger brother looked slightly upset from what he could see of his face in the low light that came from outside. Sighing heavily, Taylor accepted that he would have to try another strategy before he could kick Zac out.   

They stared at each other for a minute before Taylor got tired and rolled his eyes.

“Spill it out or I’m gonna push you off.” Zac’s face morphed into something resembling a pout.

“Never mind.” He tried to get out, but Taylor held his arm, forcing him to stay.

“No, c’mon. You woke me up, you better have a good reason.” He followed Zac’s eyes that currently stared at some point behind his head, forcing the boy to face him again. “Tell me.”

Zac stared at Taylor for a few more seconds before opening his mouth again.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” He asked, his voice incredibly low for his normal standards.

“No, you trash around all night and I’ll end up with a black eye.” Taylor tried to joke, but Zac didn’t respond. He watched his face, the apprehension he saw before still all over it. Zac was still really young and couldn’t hide emotions very well, so Taylor could see something was bothering him.

“Did you have a nightmare?” He tried because sometimes Zac would have some weird nightmares, probably due to the stupid video games he played all the time. He never was upset enough to come climbing on Taylor’s bed, though. Zac shook his head negatively and lied down, resting his head on Taylor’s pillow. Silence settled between them again and Taylor sighed one more time, lying his head back down, but still turned to face Zac.

They stayed quiet for a while, their breath slowly synchronizing as they just lay there together. Taylor had given up any hope that Zac would leave or tell him what was going on, so he decided on getting some sleep anyway. He closed his eyes, relaxing to will his body back to sleep. He almost drifted off again when he felt Zac moving next to him. Hoping he was leaving, Taylor opened one eye to see the boy’s wide gaze directed at him.

“You know it’s a little creepy, right?” This comment made Zac snort a laughter and Taylor smiled. His little brother was an annoying little shit most times, but he hated to see him upset. Realizing that Zac wouldn’t sleep unless he talked about what was bothering him, Taylor knew he had to do something about it. He raised his body on a sitting position, his back resting against the wall behind him while his head touched the ceiling.

“So…” he started conversationally. “Nice show tonight, huh?”

Zac nodded from where he was still lying on his side.

“You were awesome. Played like a true pro.” The compliment made Zac look up and gaze at Taylor as if he had grown a second head. Taylor never complimented him without having an ulterior motive.

“Thanks?” The boy mumbled his wary reply. “You were good too. I guess.”

“Dad told me it was a sold out show. There was a lot of people there. Lots of girls…” Zac was definitely lost now. He seemed to have forgotten his problem as he shot Taylor a puzzled look.

“Where are you going with this?” he enquired, sensing it was about to become a very awkward conversation.

“Did someone say something rude to you tonight?” Taylor asked, knowing how invasive their fans could be sometimes. He and Isaac could handle it just fine, they were older, but Zac was still just a kid and some of their fans didn’t seem to realize it. “Like, you know, a girl?”

“No, it’s nothing like that.” Zac scoffed but he still didn’t sound like himself to Taylor. He was usually a very loud, animated kid, almost living in an eternal sugar high state. At that moment, his voice was small, without the usual liveliness.

Zac rested against the pillow, his face showing that his thoughts were far away from there. Taylor worried on his lower lip, his hand half clenching a couple of times as he always did when he was uncomfortable. A terrible thought came to mind as he watched his brother’s closed off expression and he couldn’t shake it off.

“Did someone… touch you?” Taylor had to restrain himself not to cringe as soon as the words passed his lips. He was Zac’s big brother though; he had to make sure no creep was trying something with him. Zac didn’t seem to understand the question at first. He stared at Taylor, his young brain working the information. Then it clicked and his eyes went wide, his head shaking no vehemently as a full-body shudder coursed through him to show his repulse.  

“Ew, no. No.” He said firmly and Taylor believed him. He knew he wouldn’t lie about something like this. Zac was fine before he went to sleep, so it had to be something that happened after that. “Nothing happened on the show, leave it alone.”

“What is it then? Do you want me to call dad?” Taylor realized his question was dumb as soon as he asked. If Zac wanted their father, he would’ve gone to him and not climbed his bunk and tried to cuddle.

“Can we just share? We used to share the bed all the time back home.” It was somewhat true. Back in Tulsa, Taylor and Zac used to share a room and some nights they would just go to each other’s bed to read comic books together or just to goof around and would always end up falling asleep where they were.

“Well, we’re not home and this bunk is too small so you’re gonna have to give me a good reason for me to let you stay.”

“Forget it, Tay.” Zac whined. Taylor had to resort to extreme measures then. Letting out a long fake sigh, he turned to Zac.

“I didn’t want to do this, dude, but you’re leaving me no choice.” Without any further warning, Taylor moved his fingers to Zac’s middle, tickling him. Zac let out a surprised yelp, scrambling away from Taylor as much as he was able to without falling off the bunk. Taylor continued his attack, Zac’s laughter filling the space as he slapped his brother’s hands away, kicking and pushing every part of him he could reach.

“I’m gonna tell you, I’m gonna tell you! Stop! Stop!” Zac managed through his labored breath. Taylor retreated then, satisfied with the result of his strategy. They were both panting and a little sweaty now; some strands of Zac’s hair had escaped his ponytail and had glued to his face.

“You’re gonna think it’s dumb.” Zac said as they tried to catch their breath.

“Well, let me be the judge of that.” Taylor did his best to show Zac that he could trust him. The boy next to him let out a long sigh, heavier than his age should allow, before hiding his face on the pillow under him.

“I miss mom.” The words came out muffled and took Taylor a minute to decipher what he just had said.

“You miss mom?” Taylor repeated, trying to keep the incredulity away from his voice. Zac nodded, his face still smashed against the pillow.

“Yes. I’m a huge baby who misses his mommy. You can laugh now.”

Taylor couldn’t help but smile at that. There he was, thinking the most terrible things, when the only problem was that his little brother was homesick. He was too, if he was being honest. Their mom and dad usually took turns travelling with them, but they had other three siblings. Someone had to stay behind to take care of them. Usually it was their mom, so it had been a good 5 weeks since they had seen her. She would always call and make sure they were ok, and their dad was there, but it was not the same thing.

“I miss mom too.” Taylor said, deciding to share. Zac turned his head on the pillow to look at him. His cheeks had an adorable shade of red; they both suffered from the curse of being able to blush easily. “I miss her all the time. I wish she could come with us. Jess and Avery and Mac too.”

Taylor stroke an awkward hand through Zac’s back, waiting for him to respond. Zac relaxed under his touch and seemed more at ease with Taylor’s confession. He turned to his side and they were lying facing each other again.

“I went to bed and started to think about her. Started to think about home. So I couldn’t sleep.”

The life they chose to live had its advantages. Their job allowed them travel all over the country, see and do things most kids around their ages would never have the opportunity to see or do. At the same time, they would spend long periods away from their home in Tulsa and the things that were familiar to them. As much as they felt lucky and grateful for what they had, they couldn’t help but miss their old lives sometimes.

“So you decided to sleep here instead?” There was no accusation in Taylor’s tone, just slightly curiosity. 

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” Zac excused himself, without really explaining his choice. Taylor could deduce his reasons, though. Some would think Zac would turn to Isaac in times of distress, since he was the oldest, but their close ages gave Zac and Taylor a connection they couldn’t reproduce with their older brother.

Something about their relationship always made Zac turn to Taylor when he needed protection or comfort. Taylor always expected the small hand holding on tightly to his shirt when they had to cross through crowds of screaming fans. The knowledge that Zac trusted him that much made something warm spread inside his chest.

“C’mere.” Taylor grabbed Zac by the arm and tried to bring him closer.

“What? Tay, no!” Zac protested, trying to free himself out of his brother’s grip. They wrestled for a little bit, the small bunk limiting their movements, before Taylor managed to settle Zac against his chest, wrapping both arms around him.

“This is gay, Tay.” Zac said, but didn’t move from his position. He actually adjusted his body to the one under him, getting comfortable.

“Brothers don’t shake hands, Zac.” Taylor quoted, knowing that Zac loved the movie. Zac laughed, resting his head against him.

“I should’ve just woke Isaac.” He mumbled against Taylor, the sleep thick on his voice already.

“As if it was possible.” Taylor caught himself letting his fingers tangle on Zac’s ponytail, stroking the boy’s long hair. Maybe Zac was right, maybe this was a little gay, but he looked like he needed some physical comfort. “Besides, you wouldn’t be able to handle his snores.”

“I could fart on his face.” Zac had his cheek against Taylor’s chest, his arms tucked against him.

“If you fart here, I’m pushing you off, I swear.” The boy’s laughter vibrated through him and he couldn’t help but laugh too. “Your stink feet are more than enough.”

“You wouldn’t dare. You love me too much.” Zac taunted and Taylor pinched his side, making him yelp.

“Shut up and go to sleep or I’m definitely kicking you out.”

They fell on a comfortable silence, much different from the one when Zac first climbed on the bunk. Taylor kept caressing his brother’s hair in an almost hypnotic rhythm, blond strands passing through his fingers as he waited for sleep to claim him again. Zac’s eyelids started drooping and soon his breath got even, he drifting off still reposing in Taylor’s arms.

Taylor couldn’t see outside and he didn’t have a watch on him, but he was sure it was dawn when he finally fell asleep. He felt tired and could’ve slept as soon as Zac did, but something in him wanted to keep awake, guarding his brother, making sure he was safe and comfortable. He kept awake as much as body allowed him then, falling asleep feeling Zac’s hand grip the front of his shirt tightly, resting against his heart.


	2. Hotel Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taylor and Zac share a hotel room.

It was way after midnight when Taylor tiptoed into his hotel suite, trying to make as little noise as it was possible. For some unfortunate reason he was sharing a suite with Zac. He would rather share with Isaac, but Zac refused to share with their dad again so they drew straws and Taylor ended up stuck with a very moody 14 year old.

Zac was usually very pissed off that he and Isaac got to do some things Zac himself couldn’t do for being too young, so he did everything in his power to make both brothers miserable when he could. This was the reason why Taylor was trying not to wake him. Before he and Isaac had sneaked out to meet some girls they met after the show, Zac had gotten into a huge fight with them because he wanted to go too.

Taylor had argued saying he was going to draw too much attention with his baby face, while Isaac just said he was annoying and should stick to his video games. This obviously didn’t sit well with Zac, but after a lot of yelling they managed to convince him to stay and made him promise he wouldn’t tell anyone as long Taylor and Isaac were back at midnight. Of course they forgot about the promise the second they laid eyes on Tiffany and Stacy (or maybe Tracy and Stephany, Taylor couldn’t remember), their celebrity status granting them beer even if they were nowhere close to the legal drinking age.

This led to Taylor sneaking back into his own hotel room, still a little buzzed from the alcohol, praying Zac was fast asleep in his bed. No luck, though. The boy was sitting in one the couches on the common area of the suite, playing on his GameBoy. His face betrayed no emotion, the only thing moving was his fingers, pressing the buttons. He had his pajamas on and his long hair was down, falling across his face. He didn’t look up when Taylor opened the door, so he just kept moving to his room until Zac cleared his throat.

“Did you have fun?” He asked nonchalantly, his eyes glued to the game.

“Lots. I’m actually pretty tired.” Taylor faked a yawn. “I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”

He opened his door and entered, but before he could close it behind him, Zac followed him inside the room. Taylor groaned, readying himself for what wouldn’t be a pleasant conversation.

“I should tell on guys.” Zac said petulantly, sound like the brat Taylor thought he was.

“Didn’t peg you for a snitch, Zac.” Taylor answered while getting rid of shoes.

“You know it’s way after midnight, right?” Taylor hated the passion Zac had for stating the obvious. He finally took his socks off and got up from the chair he was sitting.

“And you still know that you’re actually the younger brother, right? Not my mom.” He shot back, turning his back to the boy’s disgruntled face.

“It’s not fair.” Zac fumed somewhere behind him.

“Life is not fair, man. Someday you will be old enough to go out with us, until then there’s nothing I can do.” Taylor said without looking at the boy that kept following him around the room while he discarded his clothes, dropping them on the bedroom floor. He heard Zac mutter ‘You’re such a slob’, when threw his shirt somewhere near the bed and laughed. He was the one to talk.

“You’re TWO years older than me, Tay.” Taylor undressed to his underwear and went to the bathroom with still Zac on his heels.

“Technically, I’m two years and seven months older than you. It’s almost three years.” As they got to the bathroom, Zac blocked the door, stopping Taylor from passing. “Move, asshole.”

“Fuck you, Tay.” Zac spitted sounding genuinely angry. “It’s not fair that you and Isaac get to go out and have fun, while you leave me behind and I’m stuck here, being your accomplice, all alone.”

Something like hurt crossed Zac’s face as the last part got out of his mouth and Taylor felt a pang on his chest. Suddenly he felt guilty for leaving his little brother behind. He never understood why Zac fought so much to go out with them since he usually never seemed really interested in partying when he had the chance. He would always rather play his video games and eat junk food when they did little reunions on the tour bus. His comment about them leaving him behind and feeling all alone made Taylor see the whole situation more clearly.

Being in a band didn’t actually allow them to have a lot of friends their age. The guys from other bands that toured with them were a lot older and while Taylor and Isaac got to hang out with them often, Zac didn’t always have the same opportunity. His brothers were his closest friends at that point and being left behind by the only two people he had to hang out with did seem unfair to Taylor now.

Taylor sighed and hung his head, feeling Zac staring intently at him.

“Look, I’m sorry.” The words caused no effect on Zac’s mood. He only crossed his arms in front of his chest, still looking very pissed off. “I mean it. I’m sorry we left you alone here. We didn’t think you would care that much, but now I see we were insensitive. You don’t deserve to be here, stuck on a hotel room alone while we’re having fun. I’m going to talk to Isaac and we’re gonna think of things to do that you can join too, ok?”

Zac didn’t seem ready to give in to the apology. He threw Taylor a dirty look and huffed.

“I don’t know if I believe you.” Taylor did his best not to roll his eyes.

“When did I ever lied to you?” Zac let out a dry laughter. “Ok, fair, but I’m not lying now. I’m going to start to make good on my promise tonight, actually. If you move and let me use the bathroom, we can watch a movie together before bed. What do you think?”

Zac considered the offer for a few seconds, studying Taylor’s face as if he was trying to catch his lie. When he didn’t find anything that could indicate that his brother wasn’t being totally honest he uncrossed his arms.

“Fine, but I’m picking the movie.”

“Whatever, Zac. Just move your fat ass out of the way and let me pee.” The comment got Taylor a punch on the arm, but Zac let him pass.  

Taylor took his time on the bathroom, deciding to actually shower to clean off the smell of cigarettes and alcohol from his skin, before returning to the room wrapped in a towel.

Zac was already comfortable in his bed, under the covers, the GameBoy forgotten on the side table. He was very enthralled watching a documentary about koalas on TV. He looked at Taylor, doing a double take before returning his attention to the TV.

Taylor could’ve swore there was a blush creeping up his brother’s cheeks, but maybe it was just the light from the TV. Hadn’t he seen Taylor wearing only his boxers just now? Why would he react to him being on a towel? Besides, they were naked around each other plenty of times before. Taylor shrugged and went to find some clothes on his bag.

He settled for a shirt and boxers, dropping the towel to put them on. Somehow, he could feel Zac staring at him again, but he didn’t dare to turn to check. Something told him Zac didn’t want him to know he was looking. He felt his own cheeks burning and he avoided eye contact with his brother, using the towel as an excuse to leave the room for a few seconds, saying he probably should hang it.

When he came back, Zac had changed the channel and now was watching a rerun of Full House, laughing when Stephanie said her signature line ‘how rude!’.

“How rude!” He parroted to Taylor when the latter dropped himself unceremoniously on the bed, crawling under the covers next to him.

“So, did you decide what we’re going to watch?” Taylor had checked earlier, their room had a vast catalogue of films available to them include some of the most recent releases.

“You got it, dude!” Zac’s terrible impression of Michelle Tanner, including the thumbs up, actually made Taylor laugh.

“That was awful, man. Don’t do it again.” Zac stuck out his tongue in a very childish way as answer. “So, what are we watching?”

“The Sixth Sense.” Taylor snorted a laughter and Zac shot him a confused look. “What?”

“Do you know what this movie is about? Ghosts, dude. You’re gonna shit your pants and not sleep for a week.”

“What? I’m not!” Zac cried, shoving Taylor. “I’m not five anymore, Tay. I’ve watched a bunch of horror movies. I think I can handle this one.”

“Are you sure? I remember Freddy Krueger fucked up your head pretty good.” Taylor was just trying to be a good big brother. Besides, the last thing he needed was Zac waking him up in the middle of the night because he had a nightmare.

“It was years ago, Taylor. When you will stop treating me like a little baby?” Zac whined, betraying his point.

“When you stop acting like one.” This earned him another shove, Zac falling over him this time, pinning him against the mattress. They engaged in some lame play fight, rolling around the bed, their limbs flailing as they kicked and slapped, but laughing too hard to cause any real damage. Taylor then trapped Zac in a headlock, his arm wrapped in a tight hold around the boy’s neck.

“Ok, you win! You win! Let me go, jackass!” Zac managed between gasps. “You’re too strong for someone so skinny.”

As to prove his point, he poked Taylor on the ribs, making him yelp and slap his hand away.

“You underestimate me.” Taylor pretended to be offended. “And since you clearly lost, I’m picking the movie now.”

“You suck. You know that, right?” Zac let himself fall on the bed, spreading his arms and legs like a starfish.

“No, I don’t. I’m letting you stay in my room and take over my bed. I’m actually awesome.” Taylor retorted, dropping himself next to him.

“And what are we watching now, Mr. Awesome?” Zac lift his head with one arm, turning to look at Taylor.

“We’re gonna watch a personal favorite of mine, The Fifth Element.” Zac was ready to protest, but he was surprised to realize that he agreed with the choice.

Taylor nudged him to move to a sitting position and they both scooted over until they were propped against the headboard of the bed. He took the remote and started to flip through the catalog, trying to find the film.

“I like that we’re keeping the theme.”  Zac quipped, but Taylor was reading the screen and didn’t register the comment.

“What?” he asked a few seconds later, when the boy’s voice actually reached his brain, his eyes still scanning the screen.

“The theme. ‘The FIFTH Element’, ‘The SIXTH Sense’, Bruce Willis…” Taylor rolled his eyes and threw a pillow at him.

“Do you even think before you say stuff like this? Do you have a filter?” The pillow hit Zac square in the face and he grabbed and threw it back, still laughing with his own pun. “Ha! Found it!”

Taylor relaxed against the pillows and silently asked Zac if he could start the movie. He nodded as answer and they both turned to the TV to watch Bruce Willis save the universe this time.

They watched most of it in silence, sometimes laughing at the characters weird antics or commenting about how that would be a cool future. Zac nudged Taylor to tell him how he would love to drive a flying car and they marveled together at the spaceships. By the end of it, though they both were a little bit drowsy.

Taylor was starting to feel the whole day catching up to him and his body felt heavy with sleep. He was watching through half-opened eyes Dallas do his big love confession and give Leeloo the big epic kiss that would finally save the day when he fell asleep.

 

***

 

Taylor woke up again to the sound of the rain pounding the windows outside. He had doze off where he was when he started to watch the movie, over the covers, with his back propped against the pillows. The clock next to the TV showed that he had slept for only 40 minutes. It felt like an eternity as he had a weird dream about fighting aliens on a flying car. Wiping the drool on the corner of his mouth, Taylor turned to his right, planning to get in a more comfortable position to return to his rest, when he found out that Zac had never left the room.

Zac was asleep under the covers and Taylor assumed he watched the movie through the end and had turned off the television before making himself at home on Taylor’s bed. He watched his little brother peaceful features, his lips parted as he breathed evenly, blond hair falling over his face. Like this, he almost didn’t seem like the boy Taylor thought about strangling daily.

“Dude, wake up.” He nudged Zac a couple of times on the arm. Zac opened one eye and watched him confused, as he tried to adjust to being awake again.

“What?” He groaned, rubbing his eyes.

“You fell asleep on my bed.” Taylor explained. “You should probably go to your room.”

Zac stretched, yawning on the process. Taylor thought he looked like a very lazy cat in that moment.

“Can I just stay here? Too tired to move.”  He closed his eyes again and Taylor poked him on the stomach. “Hey!”

“Go to your bed, I want to sleep too!” He tried to push Zac out, but he wouldn’t budge.

“You were just asleep, man. There’s enough space for us both.”

Taylor stared at him, shooting daggers through his eyes, but Zac didn’t falter. They initiated a staring contest, gazing at each other through narrowed eyes, until they both cracked a smile.

“Ok, fine! You can sleep here tonight.” Taylor conceded and Zac grinned triumphantly. “But if you start snoring, I am dragging your ass out.”

“I won’t. Scout’s honor.” Zac swore and Taylor laughed.

“You were never a scout, Zac.” He watched his brother shrug, before getting under the covers and lying down next to him. He then turned so his back would be facing Zac and adjusted the pillow under him. “Goodnight, Zac.”

“Goodnight, Tay.”

Taylor closed his eyes, ready to get back to his dream about flying cars. All the conversation had awaken him a little bit and he found it difficult to just go back to sleep. He moved again, sinking into his pillows and moving the covers closer to his body in order to will his body to slow down again.

After five minutes with his eyes closed, he realized that going back to sleep any time soon was out of question. He turned again, hoping to find a better position and drift off, only to meet a pair of brown eyes watching him.

“Can’t sleep too?” Zac was lying on his side, cheek resting against the pillow and looking very much awake.

“Thought you were too tired to move.” Taylor retorted, mirroring his position.

“I am. I didn’t move, did I?” Taylor gave him the finger. “You woke me. It’s all your fault if we can’t sleep right now.”

“Bummer. I really wanted to go back to sleep. I was dreaming about flying cars before.” Zac chuckled. “Pretty awesome movie, right?”

“Yeah… that ending is a little lame, though.” Taylor’s face scrunched up in confusion. “With the whole love thing. And the kissing.”

He couldn’t help but giggle at the comment. When it came to kissing and girls, Zac could act like an 8 year old, and it always amused Taylor.

“Yeah, it’s a little mushy, but kissing is not bad.” Taylor pondered and Zac made a face. “Seriously, I mean, you probably know it.”

In reality, Taylor knew close to nothing about Zac’s love life. He never joined in when he and Isaac were talking about girls and never volunteered any information. Taylor never tried to ask, because he thought it was none of his business.

Zac shifted uncomfortably with the comment, avoiding Taylor’s eyes. Silence fell between them after this, both boys deep in their own thoughts, the sound of the rain coming stead from outside.

“Did you kiss her?” Zac asked, bring Taylor’s attention back. He frowned in puzzlement and Zac explained. “The girl from tonight. The one you went to meet, did you kiss her?”

Taylor hesitated, trying to understand where this line of questioning was going.

“I- I did, yeah. We kissed.” They did a little more than kissing though. Taylor remembered tasting the girl’s strawberry lipstick on his lips as he touched her under the bra, her clumsy hand inside his pants. It had been a pretty fun night. “Why?”

“Did you like it?” The question sounded too innocent, as if he was asking Taylor if he had liked a piece of chocolate cake he ate. Taylor tried to be sensitive, however. Zac was his little brother and he didn’t want to ruin his first try to open up.

“Yes. It wasn’t a bad kiss.” This made Zac frown though.

“Can you tell? I mean, can you tell when it’s bad?” Taylor could hear his insecurity seeping through his words.  He paused, trying to think of a way of answering this without feeding more into his anxious thoughts.

“Well, it’s not rocket science. Sometimes you can tell if someone doesn’t have a lot of experience, but it’s not that bad. You can always, you know… guide the way. It also happens that the person’s technique is just not your style and it doesn’t feel that good.”

 The answer didn’t seem to put Zac’s mind at ease. He kept looking at anywhere but Taylor, a clear look of discomfort on his face.

“I don’t- I- I never-” He huffed in frustration, his cheeks quickly turning a healthy shade of red. “I never kissed anyone.”

“I gathered that much.” Taylor tried to light up the mood, but Zac was too far gone in his own embarrassment. “You will, though. I mean, you’re not terrible deformed…”

Taylor only said it to tease his brother. The truth was he could admit that Zac was actually very attractive. When he was Zac’s age, as much as it pained him to admit, Taylor himself looked very much like a girl, with his delicate face, high voice and long blond hair.

Puberty hit Zac much earlier and by the time he turned 14, he already had broad shoulders and very masculine features that made a harmonious contrast with his very full, very red, lips. Not that Taylor thought about it a lot. Or ever. It was just hard not to notice, with them together 24/7. What he meant was that any girl would be lucky to kiss him.

“You kissed a lot of girls before, right?” Zac’s voice brought him back to the reality, his eyes automatically landing on the pair of plump lips in front of him. Taylor cleared his throat and averted his eyes, suddenly regretting not having kicked Zac out when he had the chance. “Taylor?”

“What? Yeah, I did. I’ve kissed a few girls.” It wasn’t that much. Maybe six or seven. It wasn’t always easy to sneak out and run from the press.

“You have experience then…” Zac swallowed hard and Taylor knew what he would say even before the words came out of his mouth. “Maybe you could teach me?”

 “Zac…” He didn’t even know how to react to the request. Zac was his brother and the feeling of wrongness quickly took over his brain. It was the biggest taboo, you just didn’t think about doing something like this with someone of your family, let alone a sibling.

 Then there was the fact they were both boys. Taylor had thought about boys before, but those were forbidden thoughts, things he never shared with anyone. None of these boys was his brother, though.

However, now that the thought was implanted in his mind, Taylor couldn’t help but imagine what would be like to kiss Zac. Sure, he didn’t have the experience, but he had very inviting lips that looked very soft to the touch. It was hard not try and picture how they would feel against his own. A blush rose through his cheeks when Taylor realized the mere thought of kissing his own brother was arousing him. Clearing his throat, he brought his knees up, hoping it would mask the obvious lump forming between his legs.

“Tay?” Zac’s soft voice reached his ears, his name coming out of his mouth almost as a whisper and Taylor had to stop a shiver from overcoming his body. “Can you?”

“I cou- I could talk about it, I guess?” Taylor stammered, his mind racing, caught between doing what was right and the possibility of giving in to his desire.

Zac shook his head, as if Taylor was missing his point. He wasn’t. He just didn’t want to think about it.

“I don’t think it’s something you can explain, is it?” Zac moved closer, lying his head on the same pillow as Taylor. “At least not with words.”

A gleam passed through Zac’s eyes and told Taylor his request wasn’t as innocent as he was trying to make. He wanted this. He wanted Taylor to kiss him and it had nothing to do with learning. Taylor wasn’t ready to abandon his little ruse, because it would mean admitting to feeling attracted to his own little brother.

“No, I guess it isn’t.” He decided to keep playing the game. “Then I guess I could… show you?”

Zac’s eyes lit up, as he couldn’t hide his anticipation. He wiggled closer, and if Taylor wasn’t so nervous he would’ve actually laughed. All he did was swallow hard instead, his mouth dry all of sudden. Some part of his brain was begging him not to do it, but it was a very small part. Most of it had been taken by the sight of the wet lips in front of him, also how Zac kept watching him with eyes full of want.

He guessed they had reached a point of no return. Even if they didn’t go through, the memory of almost doing it would always haunt them. Years later, Taylor would look at this day and think he could’ve stopped, he could’ve said no before the question was even uttered, but something in him let it happen.

Taylor slowly closed the rest of the distance between them, Zac’s eyes watching his face expectantly as he approached. Their noses bumped and Taylor tipped his head just enough so their mouths could fit together. Their lips met in a chaste kiss, Zac not responding to the pressure at first, clearly at loss of what he should do. Taylor waited for him to catch up, his eyes closing as the boy finally kissed back, lips pursing almost comically, but he didn’t mind. It was good.

None of the girls he ever kissed made Taylor feel like he was feeling in that moment. For a long time he thought butterflies and fireworks were things invented by girls, but in that moment he felt very much like one.

His toes curled as he moved to press a delicate kiss on Zac’s lower lip, hearing the boy’s breath hitch and his hands tremble where they rested between them. Taylor felt he wanted to touch, but didn’t know how, so he guided one of Zac’s hand to his face and he curled his fingers on Taylor’s jaw.

Taylor kept kissing him, alternating between his lower and his top lip and feeling Zac mimic his movements like a good apprentice. In a show of boldness, Zac let his fingers slide until they tangled on Taylor’s hair, his mouth opening slightly as the new sensation stole his breath. Taylor took this opportunity to lick his way into the boy’s mouth tentatively, feeling the grip on his hair tighten and some sort of strangled moan come out of him as the move took the other boy by surprise.

Taylor pulled away, sensing he had crossed a line there. He looked at Zac and the boy still had his eyes closed, his labored breath coming in little puffs against Taylor’s cheek. He looked positively overwhelmed and all Taylor wanted was to comfort him and tell him it was ok. He was about to do this, when Zac opened his eyes.

He stared at Taylor with eyes full of hunger, as if he would devour him if it were possible. Taylor held his gaze, silently asking for permission to go on. Zac’s nod was almost imperceptible, but it was enough for Taylor and he dived back in.

Zac was prepared this time, his lips half-opened welcoming Taylor’s intrusion. Their tongues met halfway way, Taylor taking the lead and licking the roof of the boy’s mouth, saliva making their lips slide with easy against each other. It was a slow, almost sensual kiss. Zac’s timid tongue pushed its way into Taylor’s mouth, the caress going back and forth, as he tried to do everything Taylor did to him. Taylor brought both hands to Zac’s hair, holding him in place as he pressed small pecks against his swollen lips.

Taylor had no idea of how long it went on, the two of them exchanging sometimes heated, sometimes chaste kisses, their hands caressing each other’s faces and hair, both of them feeling too good to stop. He actually felt a little lightheaded for the little oxygen he was receiving through this, but breathing sounded like something superficial at that moment. He had everything he ever wanted right there under his lips, kissing him back, touching him with hesitant fingers, but full of passion.

The girl from earlier was a distant memory now. All that mattered was the way Zac sucked on his tongue while his hand gripped his hip, not daring to let him go. Zac, his perfect boy, with his velvet lips and his soft skin. Zac his brother.

The thought hit Taylor like a lightning. He was kissing his brother. He was kissing his brother on the mouth, and he was enjoying it. The slightly arousal he felt earlier was now a full erection. He was getting off on his brother’s touch, on the feel of his mouth against his, in a way he never felt with any girl. The guilty came back with a wave of nausea, overpowering any feeling of satisfaction and enjoyment.

Zac bit his lip and Taylor out an involuntary moan, his cock throbbing and he quickly pulled away.

“We should- we should get some sleep.” He knew he didn’t sound convincing and hurt appeared on Zac’s face. Of course he would think he was being reject, because he was. Only he wasn’t the problem, Taylor was. “Look, it’s late… or very early, and we have that radio show tomorrow.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Zac agreed, the disappointment clear on his voice. Taylor couldn’t bear the thought that he was hurting Zac in any way. He moved and pressed a long kiss against his mouth, breathing Zac in. Zac quickly responded, kissing back and bringing Taylor closer.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Taylor muttered against Zac’s lips. “You were amazing, actually.”

“But we can’t do this.” Zac said the words Taylor couldn’t. “I know.”

“I’m sorry.” He couldn’t help but feel like he should apologize. He let this happen in the first place.

“Can I stay, though?” Zac’s request broke whatever was left of Taylor’s heart to break. He really thought Taylor would kick him out after this.

“Of course.” Taylor had to resist the temptation to kiss him again as a smile spread across the boy’s face.

They tossed and turned until they found the perfect position, with Zac’s head resting against Taylor’s chest. The rain outside had stopped and the light was starting to break through the blinds. Taylor closed his eyes, reveling on the sensation of having Zac so close to him. His rational mind knew how wrong it was, but with the smell of Zac’s hair penetrating his senses, the feel of his warm skin under his fingers and the taste of his mouth still on his tongue, it was hard to remember how to be rational.

Still, guilt threatened to eat him alive and uneasiness made home at the pit of his stomach. He stroke Zac’s hair, hearing the boy’s low snore as he slept against him. Zac was his younger brother; he was supposed to protect him from people like him.   

“I’m sorry.” Taylor muttered, pressing a kiss against the top of Zac’s head. That night he didn’t sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here it is. I hope you guys enjoy. Please let me know what you think. 


	3. Night Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A late-night meeting on Zac's bedroom leads to something more.

It was around 1AM when Zac arrived to an empty home. It was Halloween and every one of his cohabitants were either at the hospital or in some party. His sister-in-law had given birth to his first nephew that morning. Her water broke on the day before that and after a 12-hour labor, Jordan Ezra Hanson had arrived on Earth, with all of his ten fingers and toes.

Everyone that were not mothers or husband had been kicked out of the hospital a little after that by the new mom, so Zac had spent the day with Kate since they had a Halloween party to go later. He had just returned from said party, still wearing his Spiderman costume (Kate had been a beautiful brunette Mary Jane Watson), ready to call it a night. Without bothering to shower, he just got out of his clothes and dropped on his bed wearing just his underwear.

It was about 2 hours later when he woke after feeling the presence of someone else on his bed. Zac turned while he willed his brain to process information enough to identify who was the person next to him. Turned out it was his older brother. Taylor was lying on his back over the covers, eyes closed and a content smile gracing his well-shaped lips.

“Tay?” Zac asked, sleep still clouding his thoughts. Taylor opened his eyes looking surprised he had woken the other boy.

“Oh, hey. Did I wake you?” He didn’t seem sorry he had, though. He turned to face Zac, ready to start a conversation.

“What do you think, jackass?” Zac thought people should’ve known better than wake him up by now.

“Hey, don’t be a spoilsport. Today is a happy day!” Taylor answered looking positively giddy. He kept staring at Zac with a huge grin on his face and it was hard for him to keep the bad mood act.

“Ok, dad.” He decided to humor Taylor for the moment. It was a happy day indeed.

“Dad! Can you believe it?” Taylor exclaimed, sounding as if he couldn’t quite register it yet.

Zac couldn’t actually believe it himself. Taylor was only 19. It was a little surreal to think that the brother that was just running around in roller skates with him not a couple of years ago would be soon teaching his own son how to ride a bike.

“How’s the little tyke?” He chose not to voice his thoughts, though. Taylor was happy and the last thing he wanted was to ruin it.

“He’s great. He was with Natalie when I left.” Taylor had grabbed a pillow and was holding it against his body like a little girl telling her secrets to her best friend. Zac couldn’t think of more ridiculous picture.

“The little guy is only a few hours old and you’re so gone for him already.” He was mocking Taylor, but it was actually very sweet.

After the initial shock when Natalie told him she was expecting his baby, Taylor had really gotten into the idea of having a family. He proposed and they were married little after that. Zac watched as Taylor assembled the crib and painted the room, buying a crazy amount of stuff that he could probably could’ve gotten from one of their younger siblings.

He had been a mess when Natalie went into labor, going between holding her hand and pacing like a maniac through the corridor when she got tired of his presence. Zac would never forget his face when he held Ezra for the first time. He was openly crying and looking ecstatic in a way Zac had never seen in his entire life, and he had share many happy moments with Taylor.

“Have you seen him? How could I be anything but crazy about him?” Zac laughed, but nodded, agreeing with him.

“Why are you here? Why aren’t you with them?” He kind of expect Taylor not leave their side for a while now. The part of him that wasn’t really happy for Taylor was scared for the band ever since he got married. He kept waiting the day Taylor would turn to them and say ‘ok, guys, I have this amazing thing going on now so I think I’m going back to Tulsa to raise some cows and take care of my family.’

It never happened, something for which Zac was truly grateful. They never stopped working on their new album and the plans for a new tour. Taylor was just as dedicated, fighting for the band as much as he and Isaac did. Nonetheless, Zac had expected him to dedicate his full attention to his new family at least for today.

“Natalie kicked me out.” Taylor confessed, his excitement dying a little. “Said I needed some sleep in a real bed. Also that she needed to sleep too and me being there wasn’t helping.”

Zac made a whipping sound and Taylor kicked him on the shin.

“Still, it doesn’t explain why you’re in my bed.” Zac was fully awake now. He moved to a sitting position, holding the covers to the middle of his chest. Taylor kept lying by his side, watching him with the brightest eyes. “Shouldn’t you be, I don’t know, smoking cigars or something?”

“Well, I probably should. Nobody gave me them though. You should’ve bought me a cigar, Zac.” Taylor’s giddiness would be annoying at any other time, but right now Zac could only find it amusing. “This is why I’m here, so you can buy the new father a cigar.”

Zac rolled his eyes.

“Couldn’t it wait until after I was awake?”

“You’re wake now, aren’t you?” Taylor remarked, earning him a push on the shoulder, but he didn’t seem to care. “Besides, I couldn’t sleep. I’m too excited.”

“Well, I can see it.” Zac replied, eyeing him with amusement. He didn’t think he wanted to be there for the crash, though. The first dirty diaper, the first night with a crying baby with cramps and this whole excitement would die quickly.

Taylor was really good with their younger siblings, but none of them were his own kid. Zac imagine it would be a completely different thing to raise a child of his own. He didn’t want to put damp on Taylor’s mood, so he kept his mouth shut.

“And to think I thought my life was over the day Natalie told me she was pregnant.” Taylor said it so nonchalantly that Zac didn’t register at first. He shoot him a surprised look when the words sank in.

“Really? You seemed so… ok with everything.” He did. Zac remembered unaffected he looked by the whole thing. He went to every doctor appointment, even helped to plan the wedding, never complaining and still found time to keep working on their songs. Taylor was the perfect, father, husband and bandmate on those nine months.

Looking back now Zac could see that it was probably his way to deal with the situation. Treat everything objectively, so he wouldn’t have to feel anything about it. Zac felt his heart sink as he thought about how lonely it must have felt, going through all this while compartmentalizing his feelings.

“Yeah, I never really told anyone this, but I seriously considered running at first.” Taylor sounded embarrassed by his confession. “But then I figure there was just too many people depending on me to do the right thing and that I had to get my shit together. I just couldn’t do it to Natalie or Ezra, or you guys for that matter.”

Zac felt truly heartbroken for his brother. He had so much going on and Zac now felt he didn’t do enough to help him. He wanted to apologize, to tell him that he shouldn’t carry all the burden alone, but all the came out was,

“You should’ve told me. I would’ve ran with you.”

It was supposed to be a light remark about the subject, a joke, but the statement descended heavily between them.

Their eyes found each other and something unspoken passed between them. Zac’s cheek felt hot as his mind went straight to that rainy summer night in 2000, their mouths sliding together, Taylor’s hands on his hair and his hands on his face.

That had been the only time they succumbed to temptation. Short after that Zac started dating someone, Taylor started dating someone and nothing else had happened. It didn’t mean Zac hadn’t thought about it, though. It was hard not to, with their close proximity. They worked and lived together, so Taylor was always there, with his nice hair and amazing eyes.

They kept staring silently at each other, the air heavy between them until Taylor cleared his throat and averted his eyes.

“Yeah, so nobody knew. Well, Isaac kind of did. He found me puking my guts out after Natalie’s first ultrasound.” He shrugged. “I had to explain to him why I was on the bathroom floor, white as a paper. He was a good big brother that day.”

Zac tried to push down the pang of jealously that took over him. He knew that Taylor and Isaac would never have the connection he had with Taylor, but he wanted to be the one helping Taylor through this.

“Now that I know, you can talk to me. I’m not going to judge you or anything.” Zac would never judge his brother. Taylor gave him a light pat on his thigh, as to thank him, smiling sincerely after that.

“I don’t think I have more to say now. I mean, it’s done. He’s here. I have to go on.” Taylor had a resigned tone, the words heavy on his tongue.

“You don’t have to do it alone. I want to do this with you too. Whatever you need.” Zac didn’t mean to make it sound like a promise, but it did. He mentally kicked himself, thinking ironically how he was on a roll tonight. Taylor’s hand were back on his thigh and this time it stayed there. He gave it a light squeeze, nodding to himself.

“I know. I’m grateful for it.” He sounded almost solemn. “The first diaper is all yours, little brother.”

The comment made lightened the mood again and Zac pushed him on the shoulder, the smiles never leaving their faces.

“You can keep the diaper duty. I’m gonna be a kickass uncle, though. Isaac has nothing on me.”

“Where is Isaac anyway?” Taylor looked around as if he expected to find their older brother hiding in some corner of Zac’s room. “I haven’t heard of him since this morning when he yelled mazel tov on my face back at the hospital. I had to remind him we’re not Jewish.”

“He must be in some Halloween party, whoring himself out as he always does.” Zac’s remark made both of them snort. Isaac’s slut habits were one of their inside jokes.

“He does sleep around a lot…” Taylor agreed, the two bursting into laughter. It wasn’t even that funny, but Taylor’s happiness was contagious. They kept laughing, Zac doubled into himself, holding his belly as tried to catch his breath. Taylor had rolled so far on the bed he was hanging on the edge, with a hand outstretched in Zac’s direction so he could help him.

Zac pushed him back, both still laughing and Taylor lied on his back, his breathing coming in hiccups. They stayed there, trying to get their bodies to breath normally again. For a few minutes, the only sounds in the room was their heaving breathing and a few giggles when they remember the comment. Then, they went quiet, content with their shared company.

“Honestly, between a brother who has slept with half of our fans and the other who knocks up his girlfriend on the first try it’s no surprise I have stayed away from sex.”  Zac broke the silence, the words coming out almost as if he was thinking aloud.

“What do you mean?” Taylor asked without moving from his position on the bed. From the corner of his eye, Zac could see he was frowning.

“What I said. You two gave sex a terrible reputation. Two bad examples for your younger brother.” Zac was mostly joking, but Taylor’s whole teen pregnancy experience left an impression on him.

Taylor raised himself on his elbows to look at him, his face scrunched in confusion.

“No, no. Not this part. The last one, about staying away from sex.”

“Oh.” Zac felt his face growing hot. He never discussed his sex life with his older brothers, mostly because he didn’t have one. Yes, he had a stead girlfriend for a while now, but they had agreed that sex was out of question until marriage. It didn’t mean they hadn’t done stuff, he was a red-blooded teenager after all, but nothing that involved full-on sex.

Taylor watched him, his face going from confusion to concern.

“I- I mean-” Zac felt embarrassed, even though it wasn’t a decision he took on a whim. He and Kate had discussed this, but he couldn’t help but feel he owed Taylor a decent explanation. “It’s not that bad.”

He realized this explanation was anything but decent. Zac mentally slapped himself on the forehead, feeling like a kid again, self-conscious under his brother’s scrutiny. Taylor looked at him as if he was speaking a completely different language that he couldn’t understand. He kept staring at Zac in silence, apparently trying to process this new information. Zac could almost see the cogs working under Taylor’s unkempt blond hair.

“You’re making me feel terrible right now.” He sounded almost sad when he spoke again. Zac wanted to smooth the crease that formed between his brows as worry took his features. He hadn’t meant to make Taylor feel bad. He didn’t actually believe that he was a bad example. Zac thought Taylor was the best example of a person on Earth.

For the last nine months he watched his brother go through something only few people of his age got to experience. Yes, the part of being a father so young sounded scary to Zac, but Taylor had shown him how nice it could be too. Especially when you did it with someone you loved, like Taylor loved Natalie. Some part of him still preserved some sort of hero worship toward his brother and seeing him in that situation hadn’t diminished not even a little Zac’s admiration.

He was about to say all of this aloud, when Taylor continued.

“You know sex is good, right? I mean, it’s really good.” Taylor paused as if he was remembering something that could perfect illustrate his point. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts before he went on. “I’m going to sound cliché here, but it’s even better when you’re with someone you like. You like Kate, right?”

Zac nodded timidly, avoiding Taylor’s eyes.

“Right, so don’t let my… slip ruin the experiences you should be living, ok? Just… wear a condom. This is the best lesson from all of this.”

“It was a choice, Tay.” Zac said as he managed to find words. “I’m sorry if I made it sound as if this had something to do with you. It’s not that I don’t want sex, I do. I just don’t need it. Whatever you did with your life has nothing to do with this decision. It’s my choice and it’s ok.”

It really was. The truth is Zac had never felt like the other boys his age, who would kill for an opportunity to bang a chick. Not even when he was getting… frisky with Kate he would feel like he couldn’t stop if he wanted. He could live just fine without sex in his life.

What Taylor had said about being different with someone he liked, he never felt it with any girl he ever been close. Even with Kate, it was nice, but nothing that would cause sparkles. He liked her enough, so he was ok with it.

If Zac was being honest with himself, when he heard what Taylor said, he hadn’t thought about his girlfriend at all. He thought about Taylor’s lips on his all those years ago, remembering how his entire body felt on fire, his heart racing against his ribcage as he felt his brother’s hands on him, wishing he knew how to ask for more back then.

Before he could block any further thought, he wondered how good sex with Taylor would feel. If a simple kiss had done all that with him, having their bodies completely united would probably feel like heaven.

“Zac?” Taylor’s voice reached his ears like it was coming from a different reality. Zac blinked back into the room, seeing that Taylor was still looking at him, concern back on his face. “Are you alright? It was like you went offline for a minute.”

Zac nodded, squirming slightly. He was thankful for the thick duvet covering his crotch, otherwise his brother would have the full-view of his very prominent erection.

“I’m fine. I’m just thinking.” He answered, still trying to connect to present.

“Now that’s something to worry about.” Taylor joked, but he still looked unease. Zac didn’t hear it though. Part of his mind kept going back to the kiss.

“Does it feel good?” He asked and Taylor shot him a puzzled look. “With Nat, I mean. Does sex with her feel good?”

Taylor shifted uncomfortably, finally sitting up next to Zac. He scratched his head, trying to think of an answer.

“Why- why are you asking this?” Taylor stammered. Their eyes met then, and Zac saw him shiver. The air on the room changed. It was heavy with something Zac couldn’t name, but it felt almost electric.

“I-I I’m just curious.” Zac said, not knowing where he was trying to go with this. It was some sort of morbid curiosity. He needed to know.

Zac didn’t move his eyes from Taylor and he could see he was trembling a little. Whatever was happening, he was feeling it too.

“Do you make her feel good?” He insisted and it was Taylor’s turn to blush. He looked at Zac intently, as if he was trying to read what was going through his mind.

“I- I don’t think we should be discussing this.” Taylor answered defensively and they both knew there was a completely different conversation implied in his reply.

Zac wanted to ask why not. He wanted to push Taylor until he would give in, but he knew he was treading on dangerous ground here. He had to pick his next words carefully if he wanted it to go the way he was planning.

They were still staring at each other and Zac could see how Taylor was trying to control his breathing and how his gaze darted from his eyes to his mouth. They were both thinking about the same thing then.

“It’s a yes or no question, Tay.” Zac said softly, trying to fake a nonchalant air. He could feel his heart beating wildly inside his chest.

Taylor’s eyes examined Zac’s as if he was checking if he really wanted to go there. He paused, licking his lips and Zac involuntarily held his breath.

“Yes, Zac.” Taylor answered defiantly. The tone of his voice made a chill course through Zac’s body. “I make her feel really good. I made you feel good too, I’m sure you remember.”     

Zac was taken aback by those words. Through all those years, they never spoke about that night or the kiss. It was some sort of unspoken agreement between them. Zac remembered waking up the next day to an empty bed, meeting a very silent Taylor for breakfast.

They never tried to talk about what had happened, but Zac knew Taylor felt bad for it, so he never tried to force the issue. At least he thought he knew it. He hadn’t expect Taylor to bring it up so bluntly.

Taylor kept staring at him, waiting for him to respond to the clear provocation, but Zac’s mind had gone blank after his remark. He had prepared himself to push, to trick Taylor to give him what he wanted. He didn’t expect it to be so easy.

Zac’s lack of reply apparently sent the wrong message, as Taylor averted his eyes, his cheeks turning a deeper shade of red as he cursed under his breath.

“Shit, Zac- I’m- I’m sorry, that I was out of line.” He quickly muttered the apology and Zac’s fuzzy brain rushed to catch up with what was going on.

He watched as Taylor made a move to leave the bed, his mind finally understanding what was happening and making his hand grab Taylor’s arm. Taylor stopped, looking at him. Zac took a deep breath, preparing himself to say what he should’ve answered in the first place, when Taylor cut him.

“Look, I shouldn’t have said that. I- I don’t know what I was thinking.” Zac could feel him shaking under his touch.

He didn’t bother to answer, though. Still holding Taylor’s arm, Zac moved across the bed, his brown eyes never leaving the blue ones staring back at him. He inched their faces together until their mouths were almost touching. He nudged Taylor’s nose with his own, brushing their lips together and hearing Taylor’s breath hitch.

“I want you to make me feel good again, Tay.” Zac whispered against Taylor’s mouth, the words coming out almost like a confession. “I never forgot that night. I kept thinking about that kiss and about how nothing after it felt that good.”

Taylor tried to swallow a moan, the sound coming out as something between a grunt and a whine. He closed his eyes as if he was trying to get a hold of himself and Zac could feel his labored breath hot against his own lips. He pressed on, rubbing the side of his face against Taylor’s in a cat-like move, breathing him in.

“Please, Tay.” He dragged the sound of his brother’s nickname, still speaking softly against him. “Show me how good this can be. I want you to.”

“Zac…” Taylor sounded desperate, the name coming out strangled out of his throat.

Zac let the fingers on the hand that wasn’t holding Taylor’s wrist to crawl up his neck, tangling themselves on his hair. He wanted to grab Taylor by the head and just crush their mouths together, but he had to make sure first. He had to know if Taylor wanted this too.

“C’mon, Tay.” Zac pleaded, his lips brushing Taylor’s flushed cheek. “Do it.”

Taylor growled and with a quick move that took Zac by surprise, he pushed the boy on the bed, making him land on his back and covered his body with his own. Their faces were inches away from each other again, but Taylor didn’t eliminate the last space between them.

His gaze bored into Zac’s startled eyes and he felt as if the air had been knocked out of his lungs. There was a softness dancing on the blue of Taylor’s eyes that didn’t match his last brusque act. He kept staring as if he thought Zac was something precious, something so treasured he was afraid to touch.

Slowly, Taylor lift his hand and caressed Zac’s face, his fingers softly touching the boy’s skin. Taylor traced his cheek, descending until he reached his mouth. He pressed a thumb against Zac’s lips and Zac kissed it.

“I can’t do this.” Taylor said it so low that Zac saw it more than he heard. Zac tried to block the disappointment that took over him with these words. He wanted Taylor so bad in that moment and hearing him say that was a painful blow. On the other hand, Taylor hadn’t said he didn’t want this, so Zac wasn’t ready to give up.

He took the hand Taylor still rested against his face and kissed it, pressing his lips firmly against his palm.

“We don’t have to go all the way.” Zac started, muttering the words on Taylor’s warm skin. “We can just do whatever feels good.”

It was a compromise. Zac wasn’t even sure if was ready to have sex with a girl, let alone with a guy who also happened to be his brother. He wanted this, though. He wanted to be close to Taylor, to touch him, to taste him. He wanted Taylor to want it too.

Without faltering, Zac kept kissing Taylor’s hand, hearing his breathing accelerating again as he moved his lips to Taylor’s wrist, placing soft caresses on the spot. 

“We can just do whatever feels good.” Taylor echoed, and Zac knew he was saying it more himself than to Zac. It was as if he was trying to make himself believe in those words.  Zac nodded anyway, hoping Taylor could see in his eyes how much he wanted this.

Taylor nodded back, shortening their distance inch by inch and Zac felt his heart start thumping wildly against his ribcage.

When their lips touched, it was like coming out for breath after being under water for too long. They breathed each other in, inhaling deep as they made contact and Zac heard Taylor sigh against his mouth almost in relief. Zac felt the same. It was almost as if they had were in stand-by since that night when they kissed, waiting for it to happen again.

Taylor started slow, pressing his lips softly against Zac’s, feeling the boy respond and kiss him back. Zac reveled on the sensation of Taylor’s mouth against his own, wishing he had the power to make time stop so they could never leave that bed or think about anything else except this.

The weight of Taylor’s body should be feeling a little uncomfortable for Zac by now, as the other boy was on top of him, their bodies flushed together from chest to thighs, but Zac didn’t care. He actually loved the sensation of Taylor covering him, pinning him to the bed as if he wouldn’t risk Zac leaving him.

Taylor had one elbow next to Zac’s head, supporting him so he could deepen the kiss, the hand next to him holding Zac’s jaw as Taylor pried his mouth open with his insistent tongue. Zac groaned as their tongues met, his own hands taking an instinctively hold of Taylor’s jeans-cladded hips. It was as if his body acted on his need to touch before his body could register it.

Taylor licked the inside of his mouth with a determination that made Zac wonder if he was trying to memorize it, to know every inch by heart so he would at least have the memory if this never happened again. Zac didn’t want to think about it, though. He didn’t want to imagine a future where he wouldn’t be able to be this close to Taylor or Taylor wouldn’t be able to touch him like this. Not at that moment, at least.

Zac didn’t want Taylor to think about it either, so he used what he had to distract him, kissing Taylor back with the same intensity and hearing him moan inside his mouth.

Their position was beyond awkward by now. They were lying across the bed, with Taylor half on top Zac and the covers that Zac had on his lap before were tangled at his feet. The fact that Taylor was still fully dressed and Zac were only on his underwear also contributed to make it a slightly uncomfortable make out session. As much as it pained Zac, he managed to pry his lips away from Taylor’s, hearing him whine in protest.

“Tay…” Zac started, but Taylor was too far gone to hear him. He kept kissing Zac’s face, pressing his mouth to every part of it he could reach. “Tay, can we-?”

Taylor didn’t let him talk, but he was able to convey his message through gestures. He pushed Taylor until he understood what Zac was trying to do and lift himself off him. Before Zac could move anywhere though, Taylor’s hands where back on him, grabbing his face and crushing their lips together.

They stayed like this for a moment, kneeling in the middle of the bed while their mouths slid against one another, making obscene sounds. Zac’s hands clawed randomly at the back of Taylor’s shirt trying to anchor himself as his brain flooded with the sensation of tasting Taylor’s mouth again. It was as if they couldn’t get enough of each other.

Even if they felt desperate, Taylor kissed Zac with a sweetness that was enough to make him weak on the knee. He was savoring the boy, sucking on his lower lip and making him let out a low moan.

“I love kissing you.” Zac mumbled against his brother’s mouth, hearing him chuckle. He meant it, though. He could spend the rest of his life kissing Taylor and it wouldn’t be enough.

“I love kissing you too.” Taylor whispered back, his eyes hazy with lust. He pressed his mouth hard against Zac’s, before moving to a sitting position against the headboard. He dragged Zac with him, and Zac straddled his lap.  

Zac stared at Taylor, feeling his cheek turning hot. Somehow, Zac thought this position made whatever they were doing more sexual. Taylor’s hand were resting lightly on his bare hips, and it was enough to make his skin feel like it was on fire. The room was dark since Taylor hadn’t turned on any lights when he entered, so the only light came from outside, the full moon making a spotlight that reached them through the window, directly on Zac’s bed.

In the low light Zac could partially see Taylor’s flushed features, a sheer of perspiration covering his skin and his chest rising and falling as he breathed noisily through his nose. All his life there was just one word Zac could think that was appropriate to describe his brother and this word was ‘beautiful’. Right at that moment, with Taylor staring at him through heavy-lidded eyes, with his hair charmingly disarrayed and his lips swollen and thoroughly kissed, Zac thought Taylor was the most beautiful creature on Earth.  

Zac suddenly felt his heart swell as an array of different emotions washed over him. It was a mix of love and adoration, as well the clarity that it wasn’t just lust or a need to take off some steam. It was much more and Zac honestly felt a little overwhelmed.

Taylor must have notice the conflict going through his head reflected on his face, because he went from aroused to concerned, lifting one hand to rub Zac’s arm affectionately.

“Are you ok?” He asked gently, his voice full of worry.

Zac smiled slightly and caressed Taylor’s face, stroking his cheek with his thumb. Taylor turned his head until he could kiss the hand touching him.

“Yeah.” Zac nodded.

“We can stop if you want to.” Taylor said and Zac believed him. He knew Taylor would let everything go the instant he said he was feeling uncomfortable and that was why he felt so safe with him.

“Whatever feels good, remember?” Zac leaned forward and placed a closed-mouth kiss on Taylor’s lips. “This feels amazing.”

“You’re amazing.” Taylor muttered against him, before they went back to kissing.

The contact was more heated now, Taylor abandoning little by little the softness from before and attacking Zac’s mouth with his, sucking on his tongue as his hands roamed hungrily through the boy’s back. Zac did his best to respond, using the little of experience he gained through the years.

He bit Taylor’s lower lip, trapping it between his own to make his brother moan and sink his fingernails on the skin of his shoulders. Zac gasped with the contact and Taylor took the opportunity to lick his way inside his mouth again, desperately drinking him in.

The semi-erection Zac sported ever since Taylor started talking about sex was now a full hard-on straining against the fabric of his underpants, making his arousal very clear. He was sure Taylor could feel it against his stomach as it wasn’t exactly little.

When he was with Kate, Zac found it easy to ignore his boners when they were making out. Being with her usually made him aroused, but he never felt the desperate need to relieve himself in any way was possible. There with Taylor, though, it was as if he was going to explode. He was doing the best he could to stop himself from humping against Taylor’s abdomen like a horny dog.

Taylor slid a hand down Zac’s torso while mouthing on his neck, sucking hard enough to sting, but light enough not to leave a mark. He touched Zac’s soft middle, bringing his hand up again to brush against one of his nipples. Zac moaned and his hips buckled at the contact and he felt Taylor smirk against his neck. The son of a bitch knew exactly what he was doing. Taylor capture the nub between his thumb and forefinger, rubbing it until it was hard, making Zac breath heavily through his mouth.

This was absolutely torture. Zac felt completely helpless. His right hand clutched desperately at Taylor’s shirt as he turned his ministrations to his other nipple. If Taylor’s plan was killing Zac by giving him a heart attack, he was succeeding. Zac’s heart was beating so fast he could feel his pulse in his ears, the blood pumping quickly through his body.

Taylor kept peppering his neck and jaw with kisses, as his hand resumed its exploration. It went lower and lower, reaching the trail of hair that started on Zac’s bellybutton and ended on the waistband of his underwear. Taylor touched him there, letting his fingers spread as the touch went on. His thumb brushed slightly on the head of Zac’s still covered cock and he moaned loudly, feeling pre-cum leaking all over the fabric covering it.

“Tay…” He whimpered his brother’s name trying to find words to ask what he wanted.

Taylor kissed a spot under his ear, capturing his earlobe between his lips and sucking it. He still had one hand on Zac’s lower abdomen, but not moving it lower. Zac involuntarily pushed his hips forward, trying to get any contact that may give him some relief and he heard Taylor chuckle. The bastard was really having fun torturing Zac.

“You have to tell me what you want, Zac.” Taylor whispered on his ear, his breath hot on Zac’s skin. “You know I want to do it, right? I want it so bad, but you have to tell me.”

Zac realized this was more than torture. Taylor wasn’t playing some twist game where he would deny Zac enough to make him beg. He was making sure Zac wanted it too, that he wasn’t being pushed to do something he didn’t feel comfortable doing.

Zac felt a warmth fill his chest as it dawned on him that Taylor was trying to take care of him even in that moment. He nudged Taylor’s face with his own until he could reach his mouth, placing a soft kiss on his lips. Taylor kissed back just as sweetly, smiling against Zac’s lips. There was something unspoken going through that kiss, something they felt that was too soon to voice. They continued to exchange kisses, until Zac couldn’t ignore his painful erection between them.

Unable to find words, he grabbed Taylor’s hand and placed it over his hard cock, giving him silent permission to touch him. The contact made them both moan on each other’s mouths, Zac sinking his teeth on Taylor’s lower lip with more force than he intended and apologized by kissing it tenderly.

Taylor’s fingers started stroking his cock through the fabric, tracing the shape of it almost reverently, but there was a tremble on his hand. Something told Zac that Taylor was just as nervous about this as he was. He moved his hand hesitantly across his length in a pace that just wouldn’t work for Zac.

“I want this too, Tay.” He finally said it, resting their foreheads together. “I want you to touch me.”

Taylor nodded, capturing Zac’s mouth in another searing kiss as he pushed his underwear down, as much it was possible on their position, freeing Zac’s cock. It was hard as a rock, jutting out obscenely and the head shining with pre-cum.

Taylor stared at it, unable to mask his awe at the sight. He spit on his own right hand, and Zac couldn’t help but think the act that didn’t actually match his delicate features. He was about to say it, but any thought was gone from his mind the second Taylor wrapped said hand on his cock, spreading the spit on it to easy the movements. He pumped his hand once, then twice and Zac threw his head back, moaning shamelessly.

It wasn’t Zac’s first handjob. He was probably 15 when he got his first one. The girl had her hand inside his pants before he could actually register if it was what he wanted. She was very efficient, jerking him with a skill that told him it was very likely not her first. He came embarrassingly quickly, more for the novelty of having a hand that wasn’t his on his dick than for what she did.

Kate had jerked him off a couple of times too, but it didn’t happen often and it never felt like this. Zac’s mind was blank. He could only focus on the sensation of Taylor’s hand around him, sliding up and down in a fluid movement. Maybe it was the taboo of having his brother jerking him off, maybe it was the fact that it was Taylor, of all people, doing it, but it felt like a completely new experience for Zac.

Taylor didn’t focus only on his cock. He kept pressing open-mouthed kisses on Zac’s neck and collarbone, sucking and let his teeth scrape on his skin, but not hard enough to bruise. His left hand was tangled on Zac’s hair, tugging on it slightly. Zac kept moaning, his hips jerking forward against Taylor’s hand, feeling ridiculously close to come.

Zac claimed Taylor’s lips again as he tried to ground himself in the middle of the arouse-induced haze that his head became. The feel of Taylor’s tongue on his, combined with his hand stroking his cock with the right amount of pressure and speed, proved to be a little too much for Zac, however. He whimpered against Taylor’s mouth, humping against his hand, feeling his impeding orgasm getting closer and closer.

Taylor seemed to realize this, as he intensified his movements, his hand going up and down fluidly on Zac’s cock and his thumb occasionally stroking the head. Zac felt overheated as sweat ran down his chest, his skin flushed in a deep red. He breathed heavily through his mouth, moaning and whimpering as Taylor pumped his cock, his brow furrowed in concentration and his pink mouth slightly opened as he gulped for air. Zac couldn’t get enough of it. He pushed their mouths together, Taylor responding instantly, but never stopping his ministrations.

They stayed like this, mostly breathing against each other’s lips, wrapped up in the moment. Zac started to feel his balls contracting and heat pooling on the pit of his stomach as pre-cum dripped on Taylor’s never-stopping fingers.

“Tay…” He moaned low. “I’m close.”

Taylor trailed kisses on his jaw, up to his ear, licking his earlobe.

“Do you want to come?” He whispered to Zac and he nodded, swallowing hard. “Come for me, Zac.”

Taylor’s voice was raspy, going through Zac like current of electricity and his hips started to buckle as started to come. White noise filled his brain as ropes of cum erupted from his cock, landing on his chest and coating Taylor’s hand. Taylor kept stroking him through it as he moaned and gripped Taylor’s bicep tightly.

It was like everything around Zac disappeared and all he could feel was his orgasm going through him and Taylor’s touch on his cock. He felt his dick twitching as he came down slowly, starting to feel oversensitive. Taylor pumped one more time, before releasing his cock and bringing Zac closer.

They kissed again and somewhere in his orgasm-clouded brain Zac realized he was probably ruining Taylor’s shirt with his semen, but Taylor didn’t seem to care. He cradled Zac’s face with his clean hand and kissed him deeply, his mouth hot and pliant. They made out for a while until the post-orgasm tiredness started to take over his body. He interrupted their kiss with a yawn and Taylor laughed.

“I’m sorry.” Zac muttered, blushing, but then he yawned again, ruining his apology. Taylor smiled and shook his head, pressing a kiss on the side of his face.

“It’s ok. You should probably go to sleep. It’s late.” Zac felt slightly bad. Taylor had done all the work, while he did little to reciprocate. Taylor didn’t seem to mind, though. He kept staring at Zac with his soft blue eyes full of affection, his thumb stroking Zac’s face gently.

“You don’t want me to…?” Zac said, vaguely pointing towards Taylor’s crotch. A blush crept up Taylor’s cheeks that had nothing to do with his recent state of arousal.

“Actually, there’s no need.” Taylor answered, still blushing.

“Did you…?” Zac asked watching him nod, his face a deeper shade of red. It was Zac’s turn to laugh. He pressed his lips to Taylor’s one more time, unable to stop himself. He couldn’t believe he made Taylor come on his pants like a 13-year-old. Taylor pulled away after a few seconds, removing Zac from his lap. “I should probably, you know, change.”

Zac pulled up his underwear, reaching for the tissues he kept on his nightstand to clean up some of the mess on his chest. He watched Taylor leave the room, feeling something uncomfortable settle in his chest. It was as if his brain finally had caught up with their reality.

They being together the way they did that night felt like a dream. The way Taylor kissed and touched him, full of affection, it was easy to forget it could never be always like this. Now, lying in an unmade bed all alone, Zac couldn’t help but think about all the reasons why they shouldn’t have done this in the first place.

Taylor was a husband. A father. His baby wasn’t even a day old and instead of being with his family, Taylor was with Zac in bed, doing all those things that brothers definitely shouldn’t be doing. Zac didn’t think he was strong enough to deny it, though. What he felt for Taylor was different from whatever he ever felt for anyone. The fact they were brothers should turn him away from these feelings, but it seemed to strengthen this bond, making it more exceptional than it would be with any other person.

Zac fought sleep as he waited for Taylor to come back. As the minutes passed, he accepted that maybe Taylor was having those same thoughts, except that differently from Zac, he had accepted it was wrong and that they shouldn’t be doing this. Zac tried to convince himself it was for the best. It was better to end this while they weren’t in too deep. Soon they would be sharing the house with Taylor’s wife and a baby. Sure, tomorrow would be an awkward morning, but they would get over it. Ignoring the sting in his eyes, and how heavy his chest felt, Zac turned on his side and let sleep take over him.

For the second time that night, he woke up feeling the presence of someone else in his bed. Only this time an arm sneaked around his body as Taylor pressed himself against his back. He planted a kiss on the back of Zac’s neck, holding him close. Zac smiled, relief inevitably washing over him.

“Hi.” He muttered, grabbing the hand Taylor rested on his middle and bringing it to his lips, pressing a kiss on his knuckles.

“Go back to sleep.” Taylor answered, exhaustion clear on his voice.

Silence settled between them, but Zac was finding it hard to just fall asleep. To have Taylor this close, knowing that this kind of intimacy had an expiration date was weighting on him.

“Tay?” He knew Taylor was awake too. He could almost hear him thinking.

“Yes?” Taylor pressed his lips against Zac’s shoulder blade, the contact making the boy want to cry.

“What- what is this?” He had so much he wanted to say, but he knew if he started to spill it out, it wouldn’t stop. Taylor sighed, his hot breath touching Zac’s skin.

“I- I don’t know.” Taylor’s answer was honest, his voice coming out small. He was just as scared as Zac was of this. Zac wasn’t used to Taylor not having answers. All his life he counted on him to find a solution, to make the best he could out of a situation. At this moment, he seemed lost, completely out of his depth. Still, he kissed Zac’s shoulder one more time, snuggling closer. “All I know is that I feel that somehow I always felt this way. Even before our first kiss.”

Zac smiled. He understood what Taylor was saying completely. He also felt like this had been going on in his head for a long time. When he was younger, he would find any excuse to make himself the center of Taylor’s attention. He didn’t realize back then what this behavior meant, but now he could see it was more than him trying to be his brother’s favorite. It was good to know that he didn’t imagine Taylor reciprocating this attention.

“It was easier when we were kids.” Zac muttered bitterly, even if he knew he had no right to feel this way. Taylor stroked a steady hand on his arm, trying to comfort him the best way he could. “What do we do now?”

Zac didn’t want the answer to that question. He didn’t want Taylor to say that they would have to stop because he was a family man and Zac had a lovely girlfriend and they were brothers for crying out loud! The answer he wanted would never come, because they could never exist the way the craved, not in this life at least.

“We will figure it out.” And then there was the Taylor he knew. Always trying to conciliate things and doing his best to juggle the problems. Zac knew that whatever they figured out it wouldn’t be perfect and he would probably be disappointed, but he tried to believe his brother for now.

The night was long gone and the morning light slowly crept through the window, illuminating the room. Zac turned so he would be facing Taylor and fitted his head on the crook of his neck, reveling on the smell of his skin.

They heard the front door open and Isaac stumbling through the place until he reached his own room and closed the door. They didn’t dare to move, though. There would be time to face reality. They chose to stay in their little bubble while they could, sleep soon taking over then as they lied there with their arms wrapped around each other, wishing with all of their being that it could always be like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. Things are getting steamy... 
> 
> Next part is my favorite and it's very long.
> 
> Let me know what you think, as always.


	4. Red Sky At Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the night before Zac's wedding. 
> 
> Zac is nervous and Taylor offers him company to take his mind off things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite chapter of this thing. It's probably my favorite thing I've ever written in my life.
> 
> It's a little long, but I hope you guys enjoy.
> 
> I love comments, I love reading what you think.

Taylor wasn’t sure of what woke him up. Maybe it was the feeling of Natalie’s absence as she left the bed to lie with their kids or maybe it was how hot the room felt even with the air-conditioner working. Whatever it was, Taylor found himself lying alone in the middle of the bed, with sweat rolling down his neck and pooling on his collarbone. Throwing the covers off him, he stayed there for a moment, willing his body to go back to sleep. He knew he had to rest because tomorrow would be a long day.

Zac’s wedding would be happening in the next afternoon. Their entire family came from Tulsa to Atlanta for the ceremony and they were staying on a fancy hotel close to the wedding venue. Needless to say, they had occupied two entire floors. They had returned from the wedding rehearsal dinner less than 3 hours ago, most of them slightly tipsy and making more noise than they probably should through the hotel hallways. The fun part of having a huge family; everywhere they went it was a party.

Still, it was late and everyone stumbled into their rooms, Taylor in the company of a very pregnant, very tired wife and two dead-to-the-world children. Natalie complained about how her feet hurt the entire way and Taylor would’ve carried her up to their room if only he didn’t have his two comatose son and daughter in his arms.

They were in a suite with two rooms, one for the kids and one of themselves. Taylor tucked the two kids in, making sure they were secure and wouldn’t just roll off and break something in the middle of the night, and went to massage his wife’s very swollen feet. Natalie fell asleep quickly, moaning about how a good husband he was while Taylor laughed, knowing it was only true until her next mood swing induced by pregnancy hormones kicked in.

Taking advantage that everyone was taken care of and asleep, Taylor changed into pajamas and crawled into bed next to his wife, ready to rest as much as possible to get ready to next day. After what felt like a minute, though, he felt the mattress move and then heard Natalie getting up. He tried to wake up enough to ask her if she wanted anything, but between all the champagne he had and tiredness it was hard to form words.

She left the room and Taylor waited for her to call for his help. After a few minutes when she didn’t return he knew she was staying with their children. One of them must’ve called out for their parents through the baby monitor he had set up earlier on their room, but Taylor was too out of it to hear. Natalie had some sort of super hearing when it came to their children.

When they booked the rooms, Natalie wanted to take a single room with two beds, so the children would sleep next to them. Taylor insisted they should have their privacy and that the children would be fine sleeping together. He should’ve known she would just leave him and go bunk with them.

When he was sure they wouldn’t need him, Taylor fell asleep again. Now he was woke and sweating more than he should on an acclimatized room. He tossed and turned, not ready to accept that he wasn’t going to fall asleep any time soon. Taylor considered going to the next room and bringing Natalie back to their bed, but he knew she would be pissed and the consequences would be worse than staying awake.

Sighing, Taylor swung his legs off the bed and sat up. If he wasn’t going to sleep he might as well leave the bed. Taylor looked around the room, realizing he was dying for a cigarette. He tried not to smoke around Natalie and the kids, but he always craved one when he had too much to drink. Still feeling slightly buzzed, he went through his messenger bag (it was not a man purse, as Isaac liked to call it) finding a package half-full and a lighter.

Making a mental note to brush his teeth before going to bed again, Taylor padded towards the balcony doors, pushing them open. If Natalie got a sniff of nicotine on him, their future baby would never meet his father. Warm night air hit his face as he stepped outside. It was early June, but the night was exceptionally hot.

Taylor sat in one of the comfortable chairs on the balcony and lit one cigarette. He took a drag, warmth filling his lungs. He noticed the stupidity of the act a little too late. Now he was hot inside and out, thanks to his dumb idea. The feeling of the nicotine still was good, though, he thought as he blew a cloud of smoke in front of him. He missed it.

He was about to take another drag, when a voice came from his left, startling him and making him drop the smoke.

“I thought you’d stopped with these things.” Taylor was proud of himself for not screaming. He turned, feeling his heart pounding wildly inside his chest. Zac was on the neighbor balcony, leaning on the rails. As per tradition, bride and groom slept apart until the big day. Kate was with her parents while Zac had a room on the same floor as Taylor. Isaac was staying on the suite in front of theirs since they decided to stay all together in case Zac need some moral support.

Taylor didn’t expect him to be awake. On the rehearsal dinner earlier that night, Zac was the life of the party. He was everywhere, drinking, cracking jokes, talking, dancing with Kate; it was Zac high on sugar, only ten times worse. Taylor thought he would probably be exhausted. When they bid each other goodnight a few hours ago, Zac looked ready to drop. Hence his surprise to find his brother watching him with judgmental look on his face.

“Give the guy a warning, would you?” Taylor retorted, placing a hand on his still pounding heart.

“These things are bad for your health, man.” Zac ignored him, staring ahead to the city bellow them.

“So are heart attacks and you still tried to give me one.” Taylor picked the cigarette from the floor and stubbed it out on the rail, flicking it out of the balcony. “Since when did you become Natalie, anyway?”

Zac rolled his eyes, a few different answers to this question going through his head Taylor was sure.

“Well, she’s going to kill you.” He wasn’t wrong. It didn’t stop Taylor from making a face, rolling his own eyes.

“What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.” Zac snorted and Taylor wished he had something heavy to throw at him. His brother could be a pain in the ass sometimes.

“What are you doing up anyway?” Taylor asked, walking to the far left of his balcony, trying to see Zac better. “Shouldn’t the groom-to-be be resting for the big day?”

“Can’t sleep.” He answered shrugging. Taylor noticed that he was still wearing the same outfit from the party, black slacks and a white button-down shirt, with the collar and cuffs undone.

“Yeah, you tell me. It’s too hot to sleep.” Even outside, it didn’t feel better. The wind was blowing warm around them, not helping with the cooling off. Zac made a noncommittal noise of agreement, still staring at some point far.

“Could you sleep?” Zac’s question made Taylor stare at him in confusion and when he didn’t answer the other man continued. “The day before your wedding, I mean. Did you sleep that night?”

Taylor forced his memory, trying to remember the day Zac was referring to. He had been married for 4 years, so it was a long time ago. As far as he could remember, Taylor absolutely couldn’t sleep the day before his wedding. He remembered being too excited also too scared to relax. He spent the night imagining how would Natalie look in her wedding dress, what would his life be after they made it official, wondering if they would be ruined their lives by getting married so young. Every single one of his fears died the moment he saw her walking down the aisle the next day, just the sight of her face was enough for him to remember he had made the right choice.

He understood why Zac couldn’t sleep, though. Even if his marriage happened in a completely different circumstance than Taylor’s, it was still a lot to process. He was probably freaking out a little.

“No, I actually couldn’t.” Taylor finally answered and he heard Zac sigh in relief. “I was so freak out I just left the house and went to get ice cream.”

“Ice cream?” Zac couldn’t disguise the amusement on his voice.

“Yeah. I think was a desperate attempt to cling to something of my childhood before I had to become a family man.” Taylor thought a lot about that impromptu act through these years. He bought a pint of vanilla ice cream and ate alone on his car on a 7-Eleven parking lot.

“This is very random, Tay.” Zac commented with a smirk on his lips.

“I was freaking out, dude.” Taylor exclaimed. “Don’t judge.”

“I’m not, believe me.” There was a hint of dejection on Zac’s tone.

Some cold feet was expected before any big commitment, but it was still weird for Taylor to see Zac so down. For months, Zac was the most excited person for this wedding. Sometimes Taylor thought he wanted it more than Kate did. Earlier that night he was ecstatic, going on and on about how great it would be to finally get married to the girl he loved.

Maybe the reality of everything had finally hit him when he got to his room, Taylor guessed. Being alone had the power to make you face the things you tried the hardest not to think about most times.

“You’re freaking out too, aren’t you?” He asked softly and Zac let out a humorless laugh, nodding.

“Are you going to say ‘I told you so’?” He sounded very resigned and Taylor wanted to kick himself for being such a shitty big brother. When Zac announced he was going to propose, Taylor couldn’t hide how against it he was. He told Zac he thought he was too young, that maybe he should wait a little more. Zac obviously called him a hypocrite among other colorful words, but Taylor was talking from experience.

Natalie was the love of his life, but it wasn’t as if he had much choice. Taylor hadn’t had the chance to really try to discover if maybe there was somebody else out there for him. He had a baby on the way and his life was written in front of him. As much as he loved his family now, sometimes he wished he had the chance to choose like Zac had.

Kate was the girl for him, though and Taylor wasn’t in the position to judge. Due to their career, they lived life in a different pace than most people their age, so it was natural they would marry so young too.

“I’m not going to say ‘I told you so’.” Taylor answered and Zac lifted his eyes to him. He looked lost and Taylor felt his heart ache. “I was going to offer some company.”

Zac stared at him, looking a little wary and apprehensive at the same time.

“We could have some ice cream.” The apprehension faded a little from Zac’s eyes as he laughed at Taylor’s comment and he knew he was already doing a good job of distracting Zac from bad thoughts.

“I’m going to call room service.” Zac informed him, going back inside.

Taylor went back into his own room, first putting the packs of cigarettes safely back into his bag and then he put on one of the hotel robes that were hanging on the wardrobe and some slippers. It was a hot night, but he didn’t feel comfortable going around the corridors wearing only his pajamas.

Before he left the suite, Taylor cracked the door of the kids’ room open to check on them. Natalie was lying on the far left of the bed, with Penny in the middle, a hand resting on her mom’s huge belly while Ezra was on his back, limbs everywhere, on the other side of the mattress. They occupied every inch of the enormous king size bed, sleeping peacefully. Taylor couldn’t help but smile at the sight of his beautiful family. With one last look, he closed the door silently, leaving them to rest. There was someone just as important who need him in that moment.

Taylor slipped out of his suite, putting his magnetic key on the pocket of his robe and walking to the room next door. He knocked twice and waited, rocking on the ball of his feet. Zac answered almost immediately, opening the door, but making a sign with his hand for Taylor to wait. He pointed to the receiver he was holding next to his ear, to indicate that he was talking on the phone and let Taylor enter the room.

The place was dark, the only light coming from outside and the table lamp next to the bed. Zac was dragging the room’s phone around as much as its cord would allow, speaking softly with what Taylor assumed was room service.

“Yeah… yes. Right. Thank you.” He finished the call, putting the phone back on the nightstand and turning to Taylor.

Now that Taylor could see him more closely, he could see that something was definitely not right with Zac. He was staring at Taylor with a small smile playing on his lips, but it didn’t reach his eyes. It lacked the usual near-childish gleam. It was like he was putting up a front. Taylor felt a little hurt that Zac thought he had to be anything but honest with him, of all people.

He kicked himself, feeling he had been a negligent brother lately. On the last few days, with all the wedding preparation, they didn’t have much time alone. Life got in their way and the first time they had opportunity to talk to each other was on the rehearsal dinner. It was only for a few minutes because there was too much family around, some people they hadn’t seen in a long time, so they had spent most of the night doing separated things.

Taylor was sure if he had the time to talk for more than two minutes with Zac he would’ve been able to tell something was wrong earlier. He was Zac’s older brother and the only one who was married. It was his job to help him to easy his way into this new life.

Taylor wanted to apologize, but something in Zac’s eyes told him he wasn’t ready to start this conversation yet. Determinate to be a good brother, he let it go for now.

“Did you order the ice cream?” He asked, nodding to the phone.

“Yeah.” Zac answered distractedly. “Vanilla. I know it’s your favorite.”

Taylor grinned, thankful for the little gesture. He untied his robe and removed it, throwing it on a chair. Zac also had the balcony doors open, the air on the room too hot.

“It’s so fucking hot tonight, isn’t it?” He commented, moving to sit on the bed. He scooted back until his back was resting against the headboard.

Taylor kicked off his slippers and followed him to the bed, elbowing Zac so he would move further to the middle of the bed and give him some space.

“Yeah. It’s probably some global warming shit.” He moved until he was sitting next to the other man, close enough, but not touching.

“Good thing we ordered ice cream.” Zac replied, but his mind seemed far away.

Taylor turned to look at his face, noticing he was staring at something. He followed his gaze, seeing that Zac had his eyes on the wedding clothes hanging outside of the wardrobe. It was a tailored black tuxedo, with nothing special, but Taylor knew it held something symbolic about it. It was a reminder of what was going to happen on the next day.

“Did you ask for caramel topping?” Taylor asked, doing his best to take Zac’s mind of his worries for now. Zac turned slowly to look at him, a questioning look on his face. He clearly didn’t hear a word Taylor said. “The ice cream. I love caramel.”

“Oh. Yeah. I asked for some sprinkles too.” Zac answered, his expression softening at the thought of sugar.

“Oooh, you’re a bad boy.” Taylor quipped, making Zac punch him lightly on the arm.

“You’re so lame, dude.” He laughed, rolling his eyes. Taylor didn’t mind being lame if it meant making Zac laugh like this.

“Aw, you used to think I was cool.” The comment only made Zac laugh harder. “What? You did!”

“When?” He asked between gasps. Taylor tried not to feel offended by his amusement. It was better than that sore face he was sporting not long ago.

“ _’Tay, you’re so good on skates, can you teach me?’ ‘You play piano so well, Tay. I wish I was as good as you.’ ‘Do you like my drum fill, Tay?’_ ” Taylor used a very high voice, trying to mimic what Zac sounded like when they were younger.

Zac had stopped laughing, but he didn’t look any less amused. He had a smirk on his lips, staring smugly at Taylor.

“I didn’t do these things because I thought you were cool, Tay.” Zac said matter-of-factly.

“What was the reason, then?” Taylor was genuinely at loss on why his little brother would act the he did when they were kids. Zac was almost his shadow, praising him and always asking for help in things he could definitely accomplish on his own.

“I was trying to get you attention, dumbass.” Zac explained, rolling his eyes. Taylor stared dumbfounded, gaping at him.

“Why?” He realized the answer the second he finished the question. Zac threw him a significant look and the two of them stared at each other, they both thinking the same thing.

“Even back then?” Taylor asked softly, breaking the silence, the unspoken answer hanging between them.

“I mean, it wasn’t like I knew what it was about.” Zac replied, heat coloring his pale face. “But, yeah. Even back then.”

Taylor didn’t know what to say. They shouldn’t be talking about this. Not when Zac was getting married on the next day. Or ever for that matter. Zac was still staring at him expectantly, chewing on his lower lip. He did this when he was nervous. He had just confessed something big, something he probably kept for himself for too long, and he clearly wanted Taylor to say something.

“For all it’s worth, me too.” Taylor muttered looking down at his lap. “I- I told this before, I think. Back when we-”

He stopped mid-sentence, a knock on the door cutting him off. Zac sighed, visibly frustrated by the interruption.

“It’s probably room service.” He said, getting up from the bed.

Taylor had to admit he was glad for the interruption. He was scared of where that conversation could’ve led them. He watched as Zac thanked the person at the door, rolling the cart inside the room.

“Ta-da.” Zac parked the cart next to the bed so Taylor could see it. Two bowls of vanilla ice cream, with caramel topping and colorful sprinkles rested on a tray. Taylor clapped his hands animatedly, kneeling on the bed to approach the cart.

“Looks good.” He said as Zac removed the tray from the cart and placed it on the bed. He went back to his previous spot, sitting cross-legged next to Taylor. Taylor mirrored his position and took one of the bowls as Zac did the same.

Zac took a spoon-full of ice cream and put it in his mouth. Taylor watched as he savored it, moaning in a way he considered obscene.

“It tastes good too.” He said, his mouth still full of ice cream, and Taylor couldn’t help but snort.

“God, you’re a savage.” He took a modest portion with his own spoon and started eating. It was indeed very good.

They ate in silence for a while, Zac still making some inappropriate sounds now and then. Taylor glanced at his brother sitting next to him, watching him eating happily, his face streaked with ice cream he didn’t manage to get in his mouth. He was much more relaxed than he was when Taylor entered the room. Zac hummed around his spoon, licking it with gusto.

“You know what could make this ice cream better?” He said all of sudden, slightly startling Taylor.

“What?” He averted his eyes, trying to pretend he wasn’t staring.

“Alcohol.” Zac answered, jumping out of the bed again. Taylor stared at him in astonishment as he opened the room’s mini-bar and grabbed two small bottles of whiskey. Zac tossed one of them to Taylor, who fumbled to stop it from falling straight on his ice cream.

“Zac, these things cost a fortune.” Taylor tossed the bottled around in his hand while Zac climbed back on the bed.

“Stop being so cheap, it’s my wedding day.” Zac uncapped the bottle, throwing his head back and taking a long swig.

“Hey, slow down, cowboy!” Taylor removed the bottle from his hand, making him sputter and hearing protests. “You don’t want to have a hangover on your wedding.”

“C’mon, Tay. Just this one. We can share.” Zac extended his hand to Taylor, in a clear request for the bottle back, his full lips forming a pout. “Pretty please? With sprinkles on top?”

Taylor considered the idea for a minute. On one hand, it was probably pretty irresponsible to let Zac drink on the night before he would get married. At the same time, he probably needed something to take the edge off, and booze seemed like the right answer for this. Promising himself he wouldn’t let Zac get out of hand with the alcohol, Taylor took a drink from the open bottle and passed it back to Zac, who had a huge smile on his face.

“I was wrong, you’re super cool, Tay.” He said, gulping down the brand.

By the time they finished the ice cream, Zac had convinced Taylor that drinking the second bottle wouldn’t kill them. By the third, Taylor had to draw a line. The last thing he wanted was for the wedding to be canceled because the groom couldn’t get up in the morning. They ended up lying on their backs, side to side, with their stomachs full of ice cream and their minds fuzzy with alcohol.

Taylor knew he was fairly resistant when it came to drinking, but Zac was a lightweight. He didn’t drink as often as Taylor did, so it didn’t take much for him to get drunk. At that moment, taking by the blush of his cheeks, he could say that Zac was more than a little happy. He still seemed to be able to respond for his actions, though, so Taylor decided to relax. He needed it.

Zac turned on his side, supporting his head on his elbow, to look at Taylor’s profile, and Taylor moved his head so he could face him. His eyes weren’t as dull as they were when Taylor first got to the room. They displayed something of the usual spark, probably a lot due to the alcohol, but Taylor thought it was better than the empty expression he had before.

“Remember the first time I got drunk?” Zac asked with his brown eyes still fixed on Taylor’s blue ones.

“Oh, yeah.” Taylor replied, laughing at the memory.

Zac was 16 and had little experience with drinking. Before this day he only had drank with Taylor and Isaac, and nothing more than two beer at time. It was after a show and the band they were touring with had brought a beer keg to the bus, saying they should celebrate their last show together.

Zac had been shy at the beginning, sitting on a corner and nursing a red Solo cup for hours, feeling Isaac’s watchful eye on him. As the night went on, though, they all got too drunk themselves to notice what he was doing.

The guys from the band started handing him more and more beer until Zac was downing cup after cup under chants of ‘chug, chug, chug’, everyone very amused by his drunk persona. He was a naturally fun guy, but under the influence of alcohol he was the life of the party.

Zac danced, told dirt jokes, hugged and kissed everyone and even sang out of tune, jumping around the bus. He was a physical person when he got drunk. Taylor was the quiet guy, that got giggly to a point that was embarrassing. He was laughing at his little brother crazy antics, drinking from his own cup, when Zac stopped, a strange look on his face.

Everyone knew what that look meant. They all scrambled out of the way, as Taylor dragged him outside just in time for him to bend over and puke on the parking lot, right in front of their bus.

“I puked on my shoes.” Zac laughed, making a disgusted face.

“You puked everywhere, dude.” Taylor replied, joining him on the laughter. “It was like The Exorcist. I had to hold your hair back.”

“I didn’t remember this.” Zac expression softened and Taylor tried to ignore how his heart skipped a beat at this. “I do remember being glad you were there. It was awful. I thought I was going to die.”

 Taylor took care of him the whole night after that. They slept on the lounge, lying on opposite couches and a trashcan strategically placed next to Zac. Taylor woke up a couple of times to the sound of him vomiting again, always moving quickly to his side, to hold the trashcan and place a comforting hand on his back.

“You even bought me some hangover food the next day.” Zac continued, the memory making him smile.

“Oh, yes. Scrambled eggs and orange juice.” He first had turned his nose on Taylor’s offer, still feeling too nauseous to even thinking about food, but Taylor ended up dragging him and Isaac to a dinner not far from where their bus was parked, where the three of them had some breakfast.

After some insistence on Taylor’s part, Zac finally accepted the eggs and juice and ate them slowly, as if he was afraid he was going to barf at any second, but soon Taylor saw his face losing its weird shade of gray.

“Well, thanks.” Zac muttered, wrapping the hand that wasn’t supporting his head around Taylor’s wrist, his warm fingers circling his pulse. “Thank you for being a good brother.”

“No problem.” Taylor answered, trying to ignore how his skin burned under the other man’s touch. “Whatever you need.”

Silence fell between them, but Zac didn’t remove his hand. He kept stroking Taylor’s wrist with his thumb, in an almost hypnotic rhythm. Taylor knew he probably should pull away, but in the dark, slightly numbed by the alcohol, it was easy to forget about the right thing to do. They stayed there then, lying side by side, Taylor eventually moving his hand so their fingers could intertwine and Zac let his head rest next to his shoulder.

Taylor had closed his eyes, convinced they were probably going to sleep like this, when he heard Zac sigh again. Taylor turned to him, letting their faces inches apart.

“What is it?” He asked softly, resisting the temptation to stroke Zac’s cheek. Their faces were so close he could feel Zac breath against his own lips. Taylor watched the crease of worry that appeared between his eyebrows, thinking about how he looked so young and vulnerable at that moment.

“I’m scared, Tay.” Zac confessed and he didn’t sound like the 20-years-old man lying next to Taylor. He sounded like his little brother, who climbed on his bunk once a lifetime ago, seeking comfort when he was feeling sad and homesick.  

Throwing caution to the wind, Taylor moved closer, pressing a kiss against Zac’s hair and breathing him in. Zac didn’t resist the contact, melting into Taylor’s touch.

“It’s ok to be scared.” He muttered with his mouth still pressed against the top of Zac’s head. “I was scared shitless about my marriage. I mean, I thought about running, I told you this, remember? A wife and a baby was a lot to take in. I was terrified. I went through with it, though, and I don’t regret a day.”

Taylor thought about the scene he left on his room, his amazing wife who was carrying their new baby, sleeping next two their two children. Someday Zac would have his own family and all this insecurity would be a faded memory left in the past.

“At least Nat was already pregnant.” Zac mumbled and Taylor pulled away to look at his face, trying to understand what he was saying. “You had already- you know.”

It took him a second before he finally got what Zac was trying to say. Zac and Kate never had sex with each other or with anyone ever for that matter. Taylor did his best not to laugh, but the corners of his mouth turned up and Zac threw him an angry look.

“You will be fine.” He tried to amend. “I mean, it’s not as complicated a people make it sound…”

“But what if it’s bad?” Zac sounded as if he was trying hard not to show how these questions were swimming around his brain for a long time and failing miserably.

“Well, you can always try again.” Taylor explained lightly. “That’s the best part of being married, actually. You can have as much sex as you two want.”

Zac frowned, seeming to consider the idea.

“It’s our first time. It should be perfect.” He argued and Taylor shook his head.

“Actually, it should be terrible. Most first times are. Especially when it’s also the other person’s first time.” Zac didn’t look entirely convinced.

“I bet your first time with Nat was great.” He insisted stubbornly and Taylor let out a belly laughter.

“It was pretty shitty, believe me.” Zac raised a skeptical eyebrow to him. “It’s true! We fumbled a lot, I basically had no idea of what I was doing, but we loved each other so it was ok.”

If he wanted, Taylor could bring Natalie here to give her testimony. It ended too quickly and she couldn’t hide her disappointment. They made up so much for it later that it was no wonder that soon enough they were having a baby.

“So you’re saying that it’s gonna be ok because I love Kate?” Zac asked, still sounding unsure.

“Yes. This is the main thing. You shouldn’t worry because when you trust the person you’re with it’s good. Even if it’s technically bad.”

Zac nodded, but his mind still seemed to be elsewhere. Taylor wished he could remove all this worry from his body, wished that he could find a way to show Zac all the good things that would come next, after he got past this. The best they could do now was trying to get some sleep, though, so they could wake up rested enough for the next day.

He was about to suggest this when he felt a firm hand on his jaw and warm lips covering his. Taylor responded almost instinctively, the familiarity of the touch blocking any rational thought from his brain. He kissed back as Zac’s mouth moved insistently against his and his fingers tangled on his hair.

Somewhere inside his head, there was a voice telling Taylor he should probably stop this before it got too far, that at least he should try to understand where this was coming from, but the feeling of Zac half on top of him, kissing him hungrily wasn’t helping him think clearly.

Zac tugged on his hair, making Taylor groan against the kiss and he took this opportunity to slip his tongue inside Taylor’s mouth. Taylor tasted ice cream and brand as their tongues met and he groaned again, overwhelmed by the sensation. Zac kissed him almost aggressively, licking his teeth, the roof of his mouth, savoring him.

Taylor’s mind was blank, the only thing he could process was the sensation of Zac’s mouth on his, the wetness of his tongue, the way one of his hands was gripping his hair tightly while the other tried to unbutton the top of his pajamas…

“Hey, Zac… no, no, wait.” He pulled away and Zac followed, in an attempt to keep going, but he pressed a hand against the other man’s chest to stop him. His heart was beating wildly against Taylor’s hand and he did his best to ignore it. “What are you doing?”

Zac blushed and ducked his head. Taylor recognized this act of shame, remembering that when he was younger Zac used to do this to hide behind his long hair that curtained around his face. Now he wore it short, the blond long gone, leaving a light brown in its place and nowhere to hide.

Taylor followed his eyes, forcing Zac to face him. His lips were swollen, the natural rosy color turned into a deep red after being kissed. Taylor wanted nothing more than to go back to what they were doing, to keep kissing that beautiful mouth, but he first had to understand what was going on.

It had been years since the last time they were together like this. Taylor still remembered that night in Zac’s room, how they had kissed, how Zac had allowed Taylor to touch him and they slept together after, wrapped around each other and around the feeling that they should always be like this.

Then the next morning came and, before they knew it, Natalie was back home, bringing Ezra and Taylor’s whole future with her.

Taylor wanted to say that he was the one that ended things like the responsible husband, father and older brother that he was supposed to be, but it was actually Zac the one to say they should stop.

Even with Natalie and the baby, Taylor kept trying to find ways to get Zac alone so they could be together. Once he had a taste of what it could be between them and the confirmation that Zac wanted this as much as he did, he wasn’t ready to let go. Not all the guilt in the world would’ve stopped him from getting to taste Zac’s lips as much as the situation would allow.

He didn’t count on Zac being the one to stop him. They weren’t even doing anything of the kind when he brought it up. The two of them were sitting on the living room together and Zac had Ezra on his arms, waving a rattle absently at him.

“We can’t do this anymore.” He said out of the blue, as if something on the baby’s sweet face had brought the thought to his head, knowing that Taylor would understand what he meant by ‘this’. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.”

Taylor remember watching him depositing Ezra on his arms and leaving the place without giving him the opportunity to argue. All the times after this when Taylor tried to approach him about the subject, Zac shut him down, saying that they should do the right thing and let it go while they could. Taylor wasn’t sure if getting over what they had was still a possibility for him, though.

Even if it was almost nothing, just stolen kisses here and there, Zac made him feel things he never felt with anyone else. Yes, he thought of their parents and how if anyone found out their lives would be ruined, but he couldn’t explain what they had rationally.

For a while, Taylor thought about seeking help, someone who could explain to him why he had this fucked up desire for his own brother, because he couldn’t explain it himself. Then he realized he would never be able to talk about this with anyone. All Taylor knew is that it always had been there between them for their entire lives, manifesting itself in different ways, but always meaningful.

During that time, Zac turned him down enough times for him to realize that maybe he meant it and wasn’t doing this just to be difficult. Taylor then resigned himself to being Zac’s brother and nothing else, keeping his distance and respecting Zac’s wish.

This didn’t mean that Taylor didn’t long for his touch. As much as he tried to concentrate on work, on his kids, his relationship with Nat, even charity, nothing stopped him from yearning for Zac. They were always together, their careers demanded it, and sometimes Taylor thought it was worse. To be that close and not being able to do anything.

It was no wonder Taylor couldn’t stop Zac immediately when he attacked him tonight. He had been waiting for this for too long, even if he had lost some hope that it would happen again. His surprise was also understandable, since Zac didn’t want anything to do with him for years. His behavior was very uncharacteristic that night and Taylor had to make sense of it before they could continue.

“Zac?” Taylor tried again, trying to make Zac look at him. “Zac, listen, I’m not going to stop you, I just want to know… why now?”

This was the question, wasn’t it? Taylor couldn’t fathom what could’ve changed that made Zac think that this was ok now. If anything, things were going to get even more complicated with him getting married.

Zac let out a humorless laughter and shook his head, bending so it was resting against Taylor’s forehead. Taylor couldn’t lie and say he didn’t enjoy the contact. He was a little touch-starved when it came to Zac’s affection and being this close to him was heaven.

Zac kissed his cheek, breathing him in and Taylor moaned low, his body reacting without his permission. He was about to ignore his need for an explanation and let Zac do whatever he wanted to him, when he spoke.

“I just thought that maybe you could be my first.” He said in a low tone that sent shivers down Taylor’s spine. “You were my first kiss. Did you know that I came in my pants that night? Your tongue touched my mouth and I just jizzed all over my underwear. That’s how hot you make me feel Tay…”

Taylor felt like he was going to explode at any moment. His cock was rock hard, tenting his pajama pants while Zac breathed those words against his cheek. Of course he wanted to be Zac’s first. To be the one who showed him what true pleasure felt had always been his duty.

“What about Kate? Don’t you want to do this with her?” This was a great responsibility, Taylor had to be sure that Zac wouldn’t waste this moment of his life with him.

“I want to be good at this. For her. I know you can show me what to do.” Taylor wasn’t expecting this answer and the words hit him like a punch in the stomach. He tried to push down his disappointment, closing his eyes and swallowing hard.  

This clearly was the real reason Zac was asking for this. He didn’t want to be too green on his first night with his wife and he knew Taylor wouldn’t be able to say no. Still, if Zac wanted to know what good sex felt like, he would show him.

Without asking any more questions, Taylor claimed his lips again, pushing his tongue inside Zac’s mouth in no time. Zac responded immediately, kissing back just as forcefully, passing a leg over Taylor’s hips so he could finally straddle him.

Taylor could feel Zac’s erection firmly against his stomach as they kept kissing, their bodies flushed together. They may not see whatever they were doing the same way, but at least Taylor knew Zac was as turned on as he was by this.

Zac said he wanted Taylor to show what he could do to be good at this and Taylor was determinate to do it. He grabbed Zac by the hips, and with a sudden move, he flipped them, getting the other man on his back. Zac let out a gasp in surprise, his arms coming to circle Taylor’s neck.

“You see, sex is just going with whatever gets you off.” Taylor started, whispering the words against Zac’s wet lips. “You will want to make love to her, though, and making love requires more dedication.”

Zac nodded, without really listening what Taylor was saying. He seemed more interested in stop him from talking so they could resume making out, brushing his own mouth against Taylor’s, his parted lips reaching for him. Taylor was a man on a mission, though.

Carefully, he kissed Zac again. Only this time he poured all his love on the touch, moving his lips slowly and cradling Zac’s face between his hands. He stroke a thumb against his rosy cheek, while the other hand caressed the other man’s jaw. Zac groaned, overwhelmed by the change of pace. Taylor went on with his ministrations, capturing Zac’s bottom lip between his own in a sensual motion and sucking on it. He then pressed a delicate peck on his top lip, nudging Zac’s nose with his own.

“When you make love to someone, you have to make the person feel loved.” Taylor continued, placing small kisses all over Zac’s face, before making his way down to his neck. Zac let out something that sounded a lot like a whine, covering the hand Taylor still kept on his face with his own.

“Tay, what are you doing?” He asked as Taylor nibbled and licked the expanse of skin on his neck.

“I’m teaching you how to make love.” Taylor said it simply, as if he was talking about the weather, and he heard Zac let out a shuddering sigh.

“W- why?” Zac managed to get out, licking his lips nervously.

“You said you wanted to be good for Kate, so I’m going to teach you.” Taylor explained, not letting the bitterness he felt as he said those words show. He placed a delicate kiss against jaw’s Zac, letting his lips rest there. “Do you want me to teach you?”

“Yeah.” Zac breathed the word out and turned his head, capturing Taylor’s lips again.

They kissed for a moment, lips moving delicately against each other as Zac let one of his hands tangle on Taylor’s hair, just holding him in place. Taylor could feel Zac’s hard cock as he shamelessly rutted against his leg, but he had no intention to hurry things. It could be his last chance of doing this, so he would savor it as much as he could.

Taylor brought one hand to Zac’s chest, caressing the place slowly, his fingers lingering on his pecks, before sliding over his ribs and making Zac chuckle against his mouth.

“Tickles.” He murmured with a sweetness that made him sound younger than he was. Taylor’s heart swelled with love and he stared at his brother with an adoring look on his face. “What? Tay, what?”

Taylor watched as Zac blushed, his eyes darting around to avoid Taylor’s, the gaze making him uncomfortable. He wanted so bad to say those three damned words that always ruined everything. Yes, they said it to each other before, but he meant something different now.

Swallowing down his stupid urge, he decided it was best if he showed Zac like he had promised. Sliding his hand all the way up to hold the back of Zac’s neck, Taylor placed his lips against his ear.

“I’m going to make love to you.” He whispered and Zac shivered, a moan escaping his lips.

Taylor pulled away, moving his hands back to his chest. His eyes sought Zac’s as he started to unbutton his dress shirt. He undid button by button, his gaze never leaving Zac’s as he slowly exposed a new expanse of skin. Zac stared at him with wide eyes, breathing noisily through his mouth. He looked dazed by the whole thing.

Taylor finished with the buttons, pushing the shirt off Zac’s shoulders. After some struggle they were able to remove and toss it on the floor. He could see Zac looked slightly self-conscious now that he had less clothes on. He stared at Taylor defiantly, as if he was daring him to say something.

Taylor thought it was silly for Zac to think that he would find him anything but beautiful, but he still felt he had to reassure him. Softly, Taylor bent again, placing a kiss in the middle of his chest, right over his heart.  

“You’re gorgeous.” He muttered the words against Zac’s skin, then moving to look into his eyes. “Gorgeous.”

Zac desperately grabbed him by his clothes, crashing their mouths together in a passionate kiss. Their tongues met as he clawed at the Taylor’s pajama top, trying ungracefully to remove it. His fingers fumbled on the buttons as he attempted to undo them blindly, unwilling to separate from Taylor to execute the task.

Taylor started to help him, unbuttoning from the bottom, while he worked on the top, their mouths never leaving each other and they finally did it. Taylor removed the item of clothing harshly from his body, tossing it aside without looking. He was more focused on how good it felt to finally have Zac’s hand on his bare skin, touching his chest and clawing at his shoulders as if he didn’t know where to start. 

Taylor decided to slow them down, still wanting to make good on his promise of making love to him. He pulled away from their kiss, grabbing one of Zac’s hand to place a delicate kiss on his palm. He could feel the hand Zac still had on his shoulder grab him harder at the contact, something that sounded a lot like a sob leaving his thoroughly kissed lips.

Taylor then pressed his mouth against his wrist, making his way up his arm, all the way to his shoulder, leaving little wet kisses as he went. He kept going until he found Zac’s collarbone, nibbling the skin. Zac kept moaning softly while he touched Taylor tentatively, stroking his chest, his fingers roaming through the hair there. The contact made Taylor’s skin feel like it was on fire, warmth spreading through him as Zac’s fingertips danced over his belly.

He waited, wondering if Zac would dare to go lower, but he only kept caressing his middle, not daring to anything bolder. Taylor didn’t feel disappointed, though. They were just warming up, he knew soon Zac would feel more confident to touch him back. Meanwhile, he continued his ministrations, his mouth descending Zac’s body, tasting every part he could reach.

Taylor could feel Zac tremble in anticipation when he got to his navel, his breath hot against the trail of hair there. Taylor lift his gaze, looking at Zac through heavy-lidded eyes and seeing him staring back hungrily. Without breaking eye-contact, he put his tongue out and licked a stripe of saliva from the waist of Zac’s pants until he reached under his bellybutton, making Zac let out a extremely loud moan, that probably was heard on the adjacent rooms.

“Sssshh.” Taylor hissed and Zac threw him a dirty look.

“Don’t shush me. Not when you’re doing- this.” He gestured angrily and Taylor couldn’t help but laugh.

Ignoring his brother’s clear annoyance, he licked again, making Zac squirm and moan, lower this time. Taylor’s hand brushed the front of his pants, his fingers barely touching the very evident bulge there, but instead of working Zac’s belt open, he made his way up again.

Zac opened his mouth to protest, but before he could say a word, Taylor captured his left nipple between his lips. He let his teeth scrape it, licking and sucking as Zac professed a string of curses that would make their mother pass out. Smiling, Taylor moved to the other one, repeating the act and feeling Zac’s hands grab his hair.

Taylor felt like he could spend the rest of his life tasting Zac’s skin, feeling the warmth of it under his fingers. He was doing all those things to pleasure Zac, but the truth was, in a very selfish way, he was doing this because touching Zac felt like heaven for him. The knowledge that he was the one making Zac come undone like this was incredibly arousing.

He had to keep his plan going, though. Taylor kissed his way back down, scratching his nails on Zac’s side as he reached the waist of his pants. Zac watched him intently as Taylor’s hand went to rest on his belt. Something made him hesitate. Taylor raised himself on his knees, sitting on his heels and running a hand through his hair.

“What is it?” Zac asked with confusion, raising himself on his elbows so he could see Taylor better. “Talk to me, Tay.”

“Are you- are you sure?” Taylor had to know. He couldn’t just violate his brother. It was his first time and Zac had to be sure he wanted Taylor to do this with him. Maybe he was just agreeing to this out of nerves, because he felt too anxious about his wedding and was trying to get his mind off it. Taylor didn’t want him to this for the wrong reasons.

Zac moved to a sitting position, a serious look on his face.

“What do you mean?” Taylor couldn’t help but admire how beautiful he looked all disheveled like he was. Zac’s hair was sticking in different directions and his skin was flushed, taking a deep red color. All Taylor wanted was to go back to tasting him, savoring his body, but he felt like he should do the right thing.

“Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, it’s your first time with someone, I don’t want to do something to ruin it for you.”

Zac laughed, shaking his head.

“I thought you told me it was supposed to be bad.” He retorted and Taylor blushed, caught on his own words.

Zac also moved to his knees, in order to get closer to Taylor. He held the other man’s hands between his and stared into his blue eyes.

“I- I don’t want you to regret this later.” Taylor confessed timidly, all the confidence he was showing moments before seemed to be gone from his body.

Zac leaned and placed a soft kiss against Taylor’s lips, letting the touch linger. They stayed there for a moment, just breathing each other, feeling their heartbeats sync. Taylor closed his eyes, overwhelmed by the sensation of Zac’s body close to his own.

“I meant what I said before. I want you to be the first to have me. I want you to kiss me, touch me, and do all the crazy things I know you’re imaging. I trust you, Tay. I know you won’t do anything I don’t feel comfortable doing and that you’re going to give me pleasure. You already are.” He took a hold of Taylor’s wrist and placed his hand over the bulge on his pants. Taylor took a shuddering breath, caught between all the emotions happening at that moment. “Make love to me, Tay.”

They kissed again and Taylor enveloped Zac in his arms, laying him back down on the sheets. Taylor placed very careful hands on his belt, taking his time as he undid it. After he was done, he moved to unbutton the pants, popping it open with delicate fingers. He could actually see Zac’s thighs trembling when went for the zipper. Taylor pulled it down, his fingers brushing Zac’s cock and he moaned, hips bucking.

Before Taylor could even have a chance, Zac started to remove his own pants, clearly desperate to have Taylor’s hands on him. Taylor just laughed and helped push it out the rest of the way, leaving him only on his boxers.

The volume of his erection was more evident now, with only the silky cloth covering it. Taylor’s heart started racing in anticipation as his moved his hand over it, stroking the length through the fabric. Zac groaned his name and it was better than any music he had ever created.

Zac’s cock was warm and heavy even through his boxers and Taylor couldn’t wait to feel the weight of it on his hand. He kept stroking, working the silk over the hard flesh, playing with the sensation of it. There was a wet spot where the cloth met the head of Zac’s cock, as he leaked pre-cum copiously. Taylor was hoping he would last, because there was still a lot of things he wanted to do to him.

Deciding it was time to stop being a tease, Taylor pushed Zac’s boxers down and removed it. His cock sprang free, pointing up, the head almost purple with all the blood running through it. Taylor had to admit that he was embarrassing fascinated by his brother’s penis ever since he got the opportunity of seeing it erected for the first time.

Their cocks had roughly the same length, but Zac was much bigger when it came to girth, which made it more impressive. Taylor wondered how much of it he could take inside his mouth without choking. With his mouth watering at the thought, Taylor swept a thumb over the slit of Zac’s cock, gathering the pre-cum pooling there. He spread the fluid down Zac’s length, using it as lube.

Taylor pumped Zac’s cock, moving his right hand up and down in fluid movements, while the other touched his balls. Zac was a moaning mess under him, his mouth hanging open as he breathed soundly through it. Taylor made calculate movements, to keep him from finishing too soon. Every time he felt Zac was getting closer to the edge, he would slow down his fist, making him whine in frustration.

Slowly, Taylor lowered his head towards the tip of Zac’s dick, letting him feel his breath close to it. Zac’s body shook in anticipation and Taylor could hear his breath hitch when he got closer. He gave a tentatively lick, just the tip of his tongue touching the warm flash and Zac screamed, unable to contain himself.

Taylor was actually waiting for Isaac to burst in through the door at any moment to fight whoever was killing Zac after hearing the sounds he was making.

He knew it was useless to ask him to be quieter, so Taylor threw caution to the wind and dove in. He wrapped his lips around the head of Zac’s cock, sucking it hungrily. Zac’s hips bucked again and Taylor held him in place, throwing him a warning look. Zac patted his hair in apology and Taylor went back to he was doing.

He took more of Zac inside his mouth, relaxing his jaw and trying his best to control his gag reflex. It had been a while since the last time he sucked someone off, and none of the guys were this big.

Taylor was determined to do his best, though. His cheeks hollowed as he sucked, his head bobbing up and down. He ran the flat of his tongue on the underside of Zac’s erection, tracing the thick vein on it. He alternated between sucking and licking, lapping at the hard length, in long strokes that went from the base to head.

He then covered the tip with his mouth again and attempted to take as much as he could of Zac inside his mouth. Taylor gagged around Zac’s thick cock and tried to concentrate in breathing through his nose to reduce his discomfort. As soon as he regained control he swallowed again, his jaw aching and his throat contracting against the tip of Zac’s dick.

Zac groaned and clawed at the sheets, fisting them in an effort not to thrust his hips and just fuck Taylor’s mouth. Taylor slipped his mouth all the way back up, leaving just the tip between his lips, his tongue working the slit.

 He still had one hand on Zac’s balls, his fingers caressing the underside of it and making Zac let out a cry of pleasure. He grinned, thinking the good thing about being a musician was the ability of paying attention to more than one task at the same time.

Zac kept drooling pre-cum on his mouth and Taylor could feel he was getting closer and closer. He was having a hard time to keep his hips grounded, writhing around the sheets, lost in his own pleasure. Taylor was very satisfied to see he was the one causing this, his own cock leaking in his pants.

“Tay…” Zac moaned, both his hands tangling on Taylor’s hair. “Tay, I’m-”

Taylor removed his mouth with a loud pop, Zac’s cock bouncing out of his lips. He looked up to see Zac staring at him with big pleading eyes, but this wasn’t the way he wanted to make him come. Taylor let go of his hips, crawling over his body and kissed him again. Zac responded enthusiastically, loving the contact as much as Taylor did. He opened his mouth and tasted himself on Taylor’s tongue, sucking on it obscenely as if he couldn’t get enough of his own flavor.

Hesitantly, Zac sneaked a hand between them and started to work on the strings of Taylor’s pajama pants. When he got no negative signs from Taylor, he undid it as the other man mouthed on his jawline, his teeth scrapping thirstily the skin. Zac then pulled the pants down in an impatient movement, as if he couldn’t wait to get Taylor naked.

Taylor kicked the pants off and lowered his body again, making their cocks brush together. The contact was almost electric, making they both moan and thrust their hips in order to get more friction. The spit on Zac’s cock make them slide together more easily and Taylor reveled on the sensation. He could easily come like this, rubbing his hard-on against Zac’s, feeling his heat against his own prick, but Zac deserved more than coming being humped like a dog. Taylor wanted to give him more.

Zac sounded more than happy with their current position, though. His moans were constant and he had his eyes closed and his head thrown back, surrendering himself to the pleasure. Taylor felt a surge of emotion taking over his body at the sight, his throat feeling tight at the overwhelming feeling of love flowed through every part of him.

He gave in to the desire of kissing Zac again, pressing his mouth hard against his and watching Zac open his brown eyes clouded with lust, and stare at him. Zac ran a hand through his face, pushing back the hair glued there with the sweat and Taylor smiled at him.

“How do you want to do this?” He asked rolling his hips in a very suggestive motion. Zac closed his eyes and moaned again, biting his lip as if only the thought was enough for him to come undone.

“I- I don’t know.” He replied weakly, searching Taylor’s eyes for guidance.

Taylor honestly didn’t care about being bottom or top in this situation, he knew he would get off in any way. He had to think about Zac’s comfort, though. As much as he was sure fucking Zac’s tight, virgin ass would feel wonderful, it would probably better for him to top this time. Besides, they were both still keeping the façade that this was about getting some experience to his first time with Kate, so it made sense.

“I think you should fuck me.” Taylor finally suggested, watching Zac’s eyes widen and his mouth hang open in a clear display of surprise.

“Are you- are you sure?” Zac stuttered, still dazed by Taylor’s words.

“Yes, I mean, I know it’s not exactly the same thing but this is what you’re gonna be doing with Kate soon, so…” Taylor watched as his brother stared at him in confusion, as if the words didn’t make sense to him. Then his face cleared and he nodded.

“Ah, Kate. Yeah. I mean…” He fumbled with his words, his already pink face turning into a deeper red. “I don’t know what to do.”

“It’s ok, I’ll will tell you.” Taylor spoke softly, but he could see the uncertainty still all over Zac’s face. He leaned and captured his mouth in a delicate kiss, before resting their foreheads together. “I want you to do it. I want us to do it. Do you trust me?”

Zac nodded, his expression relaxing a little and Taylor kissed him softly. He started stroking Zac’s chest in a light caress, his hand going up and down through his soft skin. Zac responded eagerly, his hand going to cup Taylor’s face and bring him closer.

“I want this, Tay.” He muttered against Taylor’s lips, breaking the kiss. “I want you. Just… show me.”

Taylor moaned low, Zac’s words going straight to his cock. The knowledge that Zac wanted to be with him as much as he did was like fire going through his body. Taylor pressed his lips hard against Zac’s and pulled away a little.

“We need… stuff before we can start.” Taylor explained, his mouth still touching his brother’s, never entirely breaking their contact.

“What, like condoms?” Zac couldn’t take his eyes off Taylor, staring at him hungrily through the exchange.

“Yeah, and lube.” Taylor laughed a little when Zac couldn’t disguise his surprise at the request, his brown eyes widening.

“I- I actually have those…” He got out from where he was lying under Taylor and left the bed, going to his luggage and started to rummage through it.

Taylor sat back and watched him until he returned holding a small plastic bag. Zac opened the bag and let its content fall on the sheets in front of him. Condoms and a bottle of lube landed on the mattress and Taylor looked up from the stuff in front of him to his brother, waiting for an explanation.

“The guys gave me those on the bachelor party.” Zac said, shrugging. “I thought it would go to waste. Definitely not now.”

Taylor couldn’t help but laugh hard at this. He felt so happy he could laugh at anything, though. Zac joined him, one of his infectious smiles gracing his beautiful face and Taylor’s heart felt so full he expected it to burst through his chest.

He extended a hand, inviting Zac back to bed. Zac bit his lip timidly and walked slowly towards him, crawling back on the mattress, his body moving with a grace Taylor didn’t think he was capable of.

Zac straddled Taylor, his knees on each side of his hips and circled his neck, placing a soft kiss on his jaw.

“Are you sure you don’t want to fuck me?” He asked, moving his own hips suggestively and making Taylor groan. “I mean, you know I wouldn’t mind…”

Taylor closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Zac had no idea how badly he wanted to fuck him. He wanted to take him right now on his back and fuck him through the mattress, fuck him until he was reduced to a moaning mess, until they were both raw.  

Something territorial and selfish inside Taylor made him want to be the first person Zac would fuck, though. He wanted to be the first person Zac would have like this. Him, not Kate. It wouldn’t feel as especial the other way around.

“No.” He replied simply, reaching for the lube forgotten next to them. He placed it on Zac’s hand. “I want you to be inside me.”

It was Zac’s turn to intake extra oxygen. He exhaled slowly through his mouth, his hand with a firm grip around the bottle. Staring at Taylor with resolve, he got off him and sat back on his heels, between Taylor’s legs.

He watched as Taylor got himself in a more adequate position for what he was about to do. He lied back down, placing a pillow under his hips to give Zac more access.

“You’re going to have to work me open.” He informed and Zac nodded, his face full of concentration, as if Taylor was teaching him something new on the piano. Taylor thought it was adorable. “It would work better if I was my stomach, but I want to see you.”

Zac smiled softly at this, but still looked very focused on the task ahead.

“How do I- open you?” He tried the words around his mouth, not used to say such explicit things to his brother. “I mean, I know how but-”

“Use your fingers. Just do it carefully.” Taylor smiled reassuringly at him when Zac raised a suspicious eyebrow. “Use the lube.”

Zac followed the instructions, opening the bottle on his hand and coating his fingers with the content. He approached Taylor carefully, placing his clean hand on his thigh, while moving the fingers covered with the slippery substance towards Taylor’s entrance.

“Start with one finger.” Taylor warned when he felt the cold of the lube touch his skin.

Zac nodded, his eyes glued to he was doing. Very carefully, he pressed one finger against Taylor, pushing until he was knuckle deep. They moaned in unison at the contact and Taylor watched Zac’s half-hard cock grow interested again.

“Is it- is it ok?” He stammered, staring in awe at his hand as if he couldn’t believe he was doing this.

“Yeah, it’s amazing actually.” Taylor’s reply came out raspy as he struggled to form words. If he felt this way with only a finger, he wasn’t sure how long he would last. “You can go deeper. And, you know, move it.”

Zac mouth hang open as he started to move his finger tentatively. He pushed it until it was all the way in and then pulled back, almost removing it entirely. He repeated the action a couple of times, observing Taylor’s reactions to see what worked better. Taylor always knew he was a fast learner.

Soon Zac was moving his finger with more confidence, making Taylor groan and push back towards the intrusion, loving everything about it.

“You’re so hot inside.” Zac muttered, placing a languid kiss inside Taylor’s thigh. “I can’t stop thinking about all this heat around my cock.”

Taylor wondered if he realized what he was saying. It was amazing how Zac had no idea of how he was driving Taylor crazy with his words.

“Put another one.” Taylor wanted to believe he didn’t sound like he was begging, but he knew it was not true.

Zac removed his finger and soon there was another one pressing next to the first. The fingers slipped easy with the lube that was already inside him and Taylor’s cock twitched at the stretch, loving the burning sensation of two large fingers breaching him.

Zac quickly found a rhythm - an easy task for a drummer - pushing his fingers in and out, eventually scissoring them and making Taylor start stroking his own cock. He needed some relief. Zac watched him touching himself and let out an ‘oh’, as if he realized for the first time that Taylor was getting something out of this too.

In an unexpected move, Zac batted Taylor’s hand away and swiftly replaced it with his own, stroking his cock firmly, the fingers inside him never stopping.

It was the first time Taylor had Zac’s hand on his cock and it was way beyond his expectations. He had the firm grip of a drummer, his hand sliding through his length, using a technique he probably used when he touched himself.

 Taylor imagined Zac alone in his own bed, stroking his large cock using those same movements and couldn’t stop a moan escaping from his throat. He leaked pre-cum on Zac’s fingers, and Zac gazed at the fluid, licking his lips.

Somewhere in his mind, Taylor anticipated what happened next, but he still let out a surprised moan when Zac leaned and took the tip of his cock inside his mouth.

Zac sucked lightly and licked the slit, capturing the pre-cum that gathered there. His mouth were wet and hot, and better than anything Taylor could’ve ever dreamed of. He didn’t detain himself on this, though. He let Taylor’s penis slide out of his lips, licking them appreciatively.

“Salty.” He said, with a mischievous grin on his face. Taylor groaned and bucked his hips against the fingers still inside of him.

Zac curled them up, accidently hitting something inside Taylor that made him cry out loudly in pleasure. He raised his gaze to Taylor’s face, looking confused about what just happened.

“You just touched my prostate.” Taylor explained, covering his eyes with his arm, still overwhelmed by the recent sensation.

“I assume it’s something good.” Zac chuckled as he saw his brother nod vehemently with his arm still thrown over his face. “I think I should probably do it again…”

With the flat of his palm up, Zac pushed his fingers inside once again, curling them up to stroke Taylor’s sensitive spot. Taylor almost shouted when Zac leaned and took his cock on his mouth on more time. He sucked the head, while his hand rubbed the rest of the length.

“Babe, stop… I’m not going to last like this.” Taylor tangled his hand on Zac’s hair, pushing his head away from his cock, the term of endearment escaping before he could notice what he said.

If Zac noticed his slip, he didn’t mention. He placed a few kisses on Taylor’s lower abdomen and then pushed a third finger, stretching him a little more.

Taylor noticed he was quickly getting the hang of this, trying more deliberated moves. Zac kissed and nuzzled Taylor’s thighs, stroked his chest with his free hand while never stopping fucking him with his fingers. Taylor felt sweat descending from his hair and running through his neck, his whole body hot from Zac’s touch.

“I think I’m ready.” He felt Zac’s three fingers sliding in with easy and more of this would make him come before they could get where he wanted.

Zac removed his lube-coated fingers from Taylor’s hole and kneeled back, reaching for a condom package next to him. He tried to rip it open, but his slippery hands weren’t much help.

“Here, let me do this.” Taylor sat up, and took another package, one that wasn’t covered in lube. He could feel Zac’s eyes on him as he finally opened it and took the condom.

“Some would think you didn’t know how to use those.” Zac said cheekily and Taylor rolled his eyes.

“Well, let me show you how I know to put it on.” Taylor mirrored Zac’s position, kneeling in front of him and took a hold of the base of his cock. With his right hand he placed the condom on the head of Zac’s penis, holding the tip in place, while the other hand moved to unroll it all the way down. Taylor heard Zac groan at the touch, his fingers descending at a painful speed through his length.  

He then grabbed the lube, pouring a good amount on his hand before spreading it on Zac’s erection, stroking him on the process. Zac grunted and crashed his mouth against Taylor’s, forcing his tongue inside.

He kissed Taylor almost desperately, licking inside his mouth as if he was trying to taste all of Taylor in just one kiss. Taylor kissed back, taking control of the kiss to slow him down. He wanted to show Zac that there was no need to hurry, that this wasn’t going to disappear. If he wanted Taylor would spend the rest of the days here on this bed.

Taylor didn’t say any of this though. He pulled away, searching Zac’s eyes while his hand still moved on his cock.

“You ready?” He asked because he had to be sure. Zac smiled softly, nodding.

“Call me babe again.” He pleaded breathlessly. Apparently, he not only noticed what Taylor had called him, but also wanted to hear him say it again.

Taylor nuzzled his cheek, reveling on the heat he was radiating, the smell of his skin, on the feeling of being this close to him.

“Fuck me, babe.” He whispered against Zac’s ear, feeling him shudder. Zac kissed him one more time before he pushed Taylor on his back, positioning himself between his legs.

With a trembling hand, he held his cock and pressed the tip against Taylor’s recently stretched hole. They both groaned at the contact, and Taylor looked up to watch Zac’s face. His expression was a mix of concentration and awe, as if he couldn’t believe this was actually happening. Zac then thrust his hips forward and started to push in.

Three fingers weren’t enough to prepare him for his brother’s fully erected penis. Taylor felt every inch of Zac’s cock stretching him open, the burning sensation growing as he slid in slowly. He took a deep breath and tried to relax his body as to easy the uncomfortable intrusion.

He could see the restrain on Zac’s face as he tried not to go all the way in at once. His hips trembled as it moved towards Taylor and Zac was breathing heavily through his mouth. It was his first time inside someone, the first time he felt such grip around him and Taylor could understand his struggle.

“You’re so tight, Tay.” He breathed, watching his cock disappearing inside Taylor, inch by inch.

Zac kept moving until his pubic bone was touching Taylor’s ass, impaling him on his length. Taylor felt full. Zac’s cock wasn’t only long, but also thick and Taylor could feel every inch of it inside him. He put a hand on the hand Zac had on his thigh, in a clear sign for him to hold on.

Zac leaned forward, holding Taylor’s hips and bringing their bodies close. He kissed Taylor’s face and he was glad for the distraction. As his body got used to the burning sensation and the discomfort, Taylor let Zac pepper his face with little kisses, while nuzzling his cheek and whispering how hot he felt around his cock.

Slowly, almost instinctively, Zac started to move his hips just enough for Taylor to feel the stroke of his cock inside him, and the burning sensation began to give place to a sparkle of pleasure. Zac gently pulled all the way out, leaving only the tip inside, before slamming all the way in again and Taylor almost screamed at the sensation.

He clawed at Zac’s back, sinking his fingernails on it, needing to grab something, anything to ground himself and leaving half-moon shaped dentations on his smooth skin. It was hard for Taylor not to lose his mind with the overwhelmingly amount of sensations coursing through him.

Zac’s was flushed against him, their chests touching as he thrust his hips in a steady rhythm, his cock stroking inside Taylor as he kept kissing and caressing every part of his brother he could reach with his mouth and hands. It was as if Taylor was suffering from an overdose of Zac. He could feel him everywhere, over him, inside him, his touch branding his skin, claiming him.

Taylor’s heart was hammering against his chest and he was breathing like he had run a marathon. His hair was completely drenched with sweat, clinging to his forehead and the back of his neck. The hot Atlanta night combined with their heat their bodies produced was enough to make them both hot all over.

Zac was fucking him with surprisingly care. He moved with carefulness uncharacteristic of him. As far as Taylor remembered, Zac had never been careful with anything in his life. The bill of the things he broke and destroyed through his life would probably drain his bank account. And yet, there he was, being as gentle as possible as he moved in and out of Taylor, his hands caressing his sides and his lips leaving delicate kisses all over his skin.

He touched Taylor almost as if he expected him to shatter between his hands. It was as if even this dirty act couldn’t take away something of his innocence. Taylor always admired how even if Zac had to face some grown up things when he was really young, he was able to maintain something pure about him. Yes, sometimes he could be extremely childish, but there was something sweet about how he took in the world.

He kept touching Taylor gently, like he was something precious, that should be treated with care. Taylor felt his eyes sting when he realized that Zac wasn’t just fucking him, he was making love to him. They were making love. Taylor lifted his head and capture Zac’s lips with his own, kissing him with the same affection he was showing through his touches, hoping he would understand that Taylor felt the same.

They broke off the kiss and kept moving together, their hips in sync as a symphony of pleasure sounds left their lips. Zac attached his mouth to Taylor’s collarbone, sucking hard enough he was sure it would leave a mark. If Taylor was being honest, he didn’t care. He knew he should be careful, because some of these marks would be hard to explain but he wanted it to bruise, he wanted proof tomorrow that this was real, that he didn’t dream this moment.

Zac sped his movements, driving with more force into him, the sound of their skin slapping together filling the room. Taylor was sure he would feel it the next day, when he would be standing there, watching Zac marry the love of his life. The thought of being around his whole family while sore from his own brother’s cock made him smile.

“What?” Zac asked when he noticed the satisfied grin on his face.

“Nothing. You.” Taylor panted, pulling him for a brief kiss.

Taylor started moving his hips to meet Zac’s hard thrusts, fucking himself on his cock. They easily found a rhythm, Zac brushing his prostate with every stroke and making pleasure run through Taylor’s body like an electric current. His rock-hard cock was leaking between them, painting their stomachs with pre-cum.

Zac’s movements became more erratic and Taylor could sense he was close. He started to jerk his own dick, trying to match Zac’s pace as he pounded inside him. He kept fucking himself against Zac’s hard-on, pleasure building hotter on the pit of his stomach. Zac put both hands on the side of Taylor’s head to stead himself as he drove harder and harder inside him, chasing his own orgasm.

“Fuck, Tay… I’m so close…” Zac moaned and Taylor grabbed a fistful of his hair, smashing their faces together. Their kiss was sloppy, mouth sliding wetly against each other as Zac thrust faster and Taylor sped up the pace of his own hand on his cock.

Taylor didn’t remove the hand he had on Zac when they broke the kiss to keep their faces close. He stared into Zac’s deep brown eyes, watching the mix of emotions dancing there. He could see the lust, the desire sparkling on his gaze, but he could also see something else. Something he didn’t dare to hope, but as they moved together, their faces inches apart, it was clear as day.

“I love you.” The confession was out of Taylor’s lips before he could stop himself and he watched Zac’s eyes widen for a second before his face was contorting with pleasure and he hid it on the crook of Taylor’s neck.

With one last thrust Zac came, grounding himself against Taylor as he shot his load on the condom. He left a long, loud moan that sounded a lot like a wounded dog against Taylor’s skin, his hips twitching as his orgasm passed through him.

Taylor held him, feeling Zac’s cock pulsing inside his body, his hand never stopping and soon he followed, spilling all over their stomachs.

It was probably the most intense orgasm Taylor had in his entire life. The air was knocked out of his lungs and his vision went black for a second, everything becoming white noise around him. His body tingled all over and he could feel the hot come landing on his skin, his cock twitching on his hand.

Zac collapsed heavily on him, his penis still half-hard inside Taylor, neither of them daring to move. Taylor stroke an awkward hand through Zac’s wet hair, feeling his hot breath against his neck. It should feel uncomfortable, but Taylor didn’t mind. If bearing Zac’s weight was the condition to keep him close, he was more than ok with it.

Eventually Zac rolled off, though. He removed the condom and tossed it on the floor by the bed, lying back on the mattress and spreading himself like a starfish. Taylor remained on his position, an arm thrown over his eyes as he tried to catch his breath.

He had a million different things going through his head as he lied there next to Zac in silence. He just had sex with his own brother. His own blood. Someone that for some twisted reason he had desired for years and it had been the best sex of his life.

He could still feel the burn of Zac’s touch on his skin and his taste on his own mouth and Taylor wasn’t sure if he would be able to survive another day without feeling it again. He already felt cold with their minimal distance and he realized he had screwed up badly.

Taylor had resisted all these years because he didn’t know what it was like to truly have Zac in his arms, to have Zac inside of him, filling him, making them feel as one. Now it would be impossible to go on knowing how good it could be when they were together and not do anything about it.

Still, he wasn’t even sure if Zac felt the same way about this.  He knew what he saw on Zac’s eyes, what he felt on his touch, but as far as he was concerned, Zac had done it because he was feeling insecure. There was still a possibility that it was all there is. This thought made Taylor slightly nauseous, the bliss going through his body slowly fading.

Slowly, Taylor dragged some of the covers to clean the mess on his belly, still feeling a little out of it from his intense orgasm. He turned on his side, seeing that Zac was lying on his back, but his head was turned, watching him. There was something soft shining on his eyes as it met Taylor’s, but soon it faded into something that resembled hurt. Taylor didn’t like to think he was the cause for this look.

“Why?” Zac asked faintly, his voice breaking. Taylor stared at him in confusion, waiting for an explanation. “Why did you have to say that?”

Oh, yes. His stupid confession. How could he have forgotten that? Apparently, he was right. Zac didn’t feel any of it and now was blaming him for mixing feelings with pleasure.

“Zac, I…” Taylor didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to lie and say he didn’t mean it when he did. It was something they would both have to live with.

“It was easy for me to walk away when I thought this whole thing was just fun for you.” Zac continued, ignoring Taylor’s sad attempt of an excuse. “I mean, it hurt me to stop being with you this way, but it was for the best. And I thought you were just bored, looking for something to distract yourself from your married life, but now…”

He swallowed hard, closing his eyes tightly and Taylor felt his heart breaking into pieces. Zac thought it was just a game for him, that he was using him as a distraction. Taylor couldn’t even conceive where he got this idea, but it hurt. To think that Taylor would devote anything less than his heart and soul to him was a preposterous conception.

Back when they stopped their brief-lived encounters, Taylor thought it was because Zac have had enough of him, that it had lost its thrill for him. He would never think that Zac walked away because he thought he didn’t mean it.

Taylor moved closer, placing a soft kiss on his shoulder. Zac opened his eyes, giving him a look full of pain and sorrow and he wished he could remove all those bad feelings from him with his bare hands.

“How can I marry her tomorrow?” Zac sounded defeated. “How do I go on? How do I let you leave this room?”

Taylor would never leave this room if it were possible. They would stay there, frozen in time, never facing reality again. They would have to, though. They had to do the right thing for all the people who depended on them to do it.

“You love Kate, Zac. I know you wouldn’t even consider proposing if you didn’t.” Taylor spoke, trying to convince himself too.

“Yeah, but I love you more.” It was beyond incredible to hear those words coming from him. Taylor leaned and kissed Zac on the lips, lingering as much as he could.

“I love you too, but you know it’s an impossible situation we’re in.” As much as he wanted to act just on his feelings here, Taylor knew they had to be rational. They were brothers. He had a family, a pregnant wife and two kids who were sleeping peacefully on the next room.

Zac let out a heavy sigh and pushed their mouths together again. It was if he was trying to remind Taylor of what he felt, of what this meant for them. Taylor kissed back, caressing his face and bringing him closer.

“I’ll never stop loving you.” Zac muttered as they pulled away just enough to talk. “I’m going to stand on the altar tomorrow and say my vows and have a family someday, but this will not change.”

Taylor rested their foreheads together, Zac’s confession hitting him like a speeding bullet. He knew his feelings for Zac would never leave his heart, they never did through all the years they spent romantically apart. If they were caught though, not only their careers would be over, but also their lives. Natalie would never let him see his children again. Their whole family would hate them.

However, the possibility of not being able to be like this with Zac ever again was overwhelmingly bad. It was almost like a necessity, like oxygen, food. Taylor couldn’t explain where this came from, but it was stronger than anything he ever felt for anyone. Maybe their fraternal bond made everything more intense. All he knew is that he couldn’t let go even if he wanted it.

He didn’t say any of this. Something unspoken had passed between them in those seconds, and they both knew this wouldn’t end on this dark hotel room. They had opened a door that was impossible to close and there was no coming back from this point.

Taylor moved on his back and brought Zac to rest on his chest. He knew he probably should go back to his room, but he didn’t have the heart to leave Zac there. He pulled on the covers to get them over their waist and put a pillow under his head. He heard Zac sigh contently, feeling him nuzzling the hair on his chest.

“I’m not letting you go.” Taylor muttered and dropped a kiss on the top of Zac’s head. He closed his eyes and plaguing himself one more time for not being able to resist his feelings. This would break their hearts eventually, but he couldn’t walk away. He felt Zac relaxing in his arms, slowly drifting off to sleep, probably exhausted from their earlier activity.

Taylor stayed there, eyes wide open, feeling Zac breathing against him. He watched the sunrise, its light soon entering the room through the balcony doors. Eventually he untangled himself from his brother, got dressed and left the room, returning to his own suite before someone there noticed his absence.

His bed was empty as he had left it, Natalie still sleeping with their children. Taylor lowered his body on the cold sheets, feeling all the aches only good sex could cause. He smiled to himself, reliving the moments from earlier, think about how Zac fitted perfectly against him, two pieces of the same puzzle.

Only he felt he had left some part of himself back there, with his sleeping brother, and a very different ache taking over his chest. Taylor didn’t know how it was going to be from now on, but he was sure it wouldn’t be easy. For some weird reason, it was something he wanted to face, though. He couldn’t and wouldn’t stay away from Zac. Not now when he knew how good it could be. He never was the one to let good things pass.

Closing his eyes, he let his exhaustion take over him, the image of Zac’s body over him lulling him into sleep.


	5. It Ends Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things aren't going well overall and Taylor and Zac have a talk.

Taylor woke up with a startle, his body jolting and his heart beating wildly on his chest as he scrambled to a sitting position. He looked around with wide eyes, trying to find the source of the sound that woke him, his gaze stopping on his vibrating phone on the nightstand. The display flashed the name and the photo of his wife.

Taylor kept staring at Natalie’s face grinning at him, watching the device slide through the nightstand as the vibrations made it move across the surface. The clock on the top of the screen showed him it was thirty past three so it was 5am in Tulsa. She was probably waking up to start her routine with the children. Even heavily pregnant of their fifth child Natalie didn’t forgo her habit of waking up early.

It had been three days since her last call. Natalie was never the overbearing wife; she knew that if Taylor hadn’t call it was because he was busy with work. She was probably too busy herself with the children to have time to remember she had a husband anyway. It was mostly the reason she would call so early, the children would be asleep. She never cared about the time, because odds were Taylor would be up anyway. He had weird hours as a musician.

He could picture what she looked like right now, messy hair, sleepy eyes, lying beneath their white sheets, her swollen belly forming a lump on the covers as she holds her phone against her ear. Waiting for Taylor to answer, to tell him about the kids, about how their little girl was kicking like crazy, about how she loves him and misses him.

Taylor let the call go to voicemail.

Taylor felt awful and hearing her voice would only make him feel worse. He wishes he could share this with her. Natalie always had a way to make him feel better when he felt like shit. When he was up to his ears with paperwork and debt because he had the brilliant idea to leave their old label and form their own, she was there, stroking his hair and saying that everything would work out. She was right. She was always right.

He could tell her part of it, he pondered. He could call her back and tell her how he thought his band was going to hell and how the songs they wrote didn’t feel right, that he felt like this album didn’t have soul, that they were lacking something they just couldn’t find. Taylor could tell his wife all his insecurities about his work and she would listen. Natalie would hear every word with all her attention and give him the perfect advice that would easy his doubts. She was smart like that.

The problem was that band trouble was just part of the reason he felt so uneasy. The other part was the part Taylor could never tell her. Not in a million years. She wouldn’t be so understanding if he called to say he was scared shitless that his secret romantic relationship he had with his own brother was close to an end. He couldn’t tell her and he couldn’t tell anyone ever. The only one he could talk to was the source of his problems and the last person he wanted to see in that moment.

Taylor closed his eyes and sighed. He could still feel the anger making his body vibrate just like his phone was doing minutes ago. He wouldn’t lie and say that when he saw the call, he hadn’t hoped it was someone else, but at the same time he didn’t even know what he wanted to say. What he wanted to hear. I’m sorry? I screwed up? He wasn’t sure if either of them would mean it.

Taylor thought he was right and he knew Zac thought the same about himself. And Isaac… poor Isaac. He was caught in the middle of a hurricane of things he didn’t know or understand. Taylor only prayed that he remained blissfully ignorant about his two brothers’ _situation_. That night had been a close call and Taylor never been more angry and scared in his life.

It was the first time in the last three days that he actually manage to sleep almost through the whole night. The three of them were renting a house in California while they were there working on tracks for the new album, and he was on his designated room on the ground floor of the place. He hadn’t got out of it much on the last days.

To be exact he hadn’t left his room much on the last three nights. He remembered the moment he got there, three nights ago, still fuming. Taylor wasn’t the one to yell and throw things when he got mad, but he felt very much like smashing something when he entered his room. He dropped himself on the bed still fully clothed and lied there over the covers, breathing hard as he tried to calm down and ended up spending the whole night awake.

Tonight hadn’t been much different. He tossed and turned on the bed for hours. He must’ve fell asleep at some point, but he didn’t realize when it happened, only noticing when the phone woke him. Taylor had hoped these past days would remove some of his rage, but his mind was still running with furious thoughts. It was some of the reason he couldn’t talk to Natalie. She didn’t deserve to became his punching bag, just because Zac managed to get on his every nerve. Zac should be the one on the receiving end of his rage.

The only problem was he had no idea where his little brother was. They’ve been avoiding each other as much as they could on the last days. He just knew that Zac had come back to the house because the cereal box got lighter and he was the only one that ate that crap and left the box around. As far as Taylor was concerned, Zac was probably going around LA, feeling sorry for himself.

Taylor huffed, rolling his eyes. Zac had no right to feel sorry for himself. He had been the one to start this whole mess. In 27 years, he hadn’t learned how to keep his stupid mouth shut. And how not to act impulsively. And how not to piss off everyone around him purposefully. The list was long. Taylor actually considered for a minute putting everything on paper just to throw at his face.

 First he would have to find Zac, though. Taylor considered calling him for a second, just to make sure he was still alive. He reached for the phone when the screen lit up again. There was the preview of three new texts from Natalie. Taylor read them on the locked screen.

 > _Good morning, darling. Just called you,_

_but I guess you’re sleeping. <_

  _> Everything is going smoothly here, _

_but we miss you. <_

  _> Just wanted to check on you. How is_

_the album going? Give Isaac and Zac_

_my love. Love you._ <

Taylor sighed and dropped the phone. He definitely took what he had for granted. There he was, worrying about his secret, incestuous, gay relationship with his younger brother while his wife was on the other side of the country, pregnant, taking care of the their four children and she still found time to check on him, make sure he was ok and be the sweetest person on Earth. As if he didn’t feel like shit enough.

Taylor laughed without humor, thinking about how many times he thought about these things and did nothing to change the situation. Six years feeling guilty, and yet never stopping what he was doing with Zac. He never felt guilty when he was with Zac. He never felt anything but Zac when they were together. He scrubbed a hand through his hair, realizing that in that moment the only thing stronger than his anger was the fear on the pit of his stomach.

He was scared shitless that his secret romantic relationship with his own brother was close to an end.

After that first night before Zac’s wedding they didn’t stop seeing each other. There was no way they could stop, not when they knew how they felt for one another and how good it felt when they were together. It was as if a magnetic force kept pulling them together, it didn’t matter the consequences. They kept going then, hiding from their wives and family, finding ways to be with each other without anyone knowing.

In those six years, nothing stopped him from coming back to Zac. Not Natalie’s sweet smile and soft touch, not the beautiful faces of his children, not the kindness of his sister-in-law, not the innocent looks of his nephew and niece, not even the trust their older brother put on them. The moment Zac’s hands were on him it was as if none of these things existed.

It was definitely his mistake that night. Taylor had the tendency to fall for this magic spell, this fantastic fog that would blind him every time Zac would look at him with those sweet brown eyes. He forgot about everything, he always forgot. There was no consequences, not outside, not tomorrow. Just them.

It was just a fantasy, though.

Once the fog was lifted, everything would still be there. Family, friends, siblings. All of them none the wiser as Taylor hoped they stayed, but they all part of this somehow. Part of this dirty little secret that was everything to him. He could feel it crumbling, though.

Every lie, every excuse, every ‘we can’t do this’, ‘Isaac might hear us’, every effort they did to stay together, was ironically throwing them apart. Because it was hard work. Taylor found himself lying through his teeth multiple times, to Natalie, to Isaac, hell, even to their mom so they wouldn’t find out what they were doing. It took a lot out of them to keep up with their ruse.

To top it all off, their relationship wasn’t the only thing falling apart. They kept walking on very thin ice when it came to their band. It took them a while to decide if they should do another album or not. To even decide if they should continue existing as a band. After 20 years, it finally felt like some of the spark was gone.

They decided to carry on anyway. For the fans, for themselves and secretly Taylor decided to keep going to have Zac close. He didn’t like to think how it would be like without the excuse of the band to hang around him all the time. He liked to think that Zac felt the same.

They decided to pour everything they had on this album, all the dedication they had to make their best music so far. Taylor was starting to think they didn’t have that much left, though. They had a rough start and there was a general feeling of dissatisfaction through the whole process. It was like they couldn’t truly agree on almost anything and they kept finding ways to compromise.

In Taylor’s experience, compromising was only a way to leave everyone unhappy about the decision instead of just one of the sides.

And boy, they were unhappy.

Taylor closed his eyes, pieces and bits of their fight floating around his mind and not helping with his general discomfort. He felt slightly nauseous every time he remembered the look on Isaac’s face or the things he and Zac said to each other.

Wasn’t his selfish need to keep his younger brother close, Taylor would’ve called the quits that night. Because truth was, it felt like everything was in his hands. It was as if it made no difference if Zac said it was over or Isaac said they wouldn’t do this anymore. Hanson as a band would only end if Taylor said so. It was a huge responsibility to carry on his own and he wasn’t sure for how long he would handle it.

Taylor knew he was juggling too many things. Between the band, his marriage and his affair there was a lot up in the air. They would have to fall at some point. He could only hope not on his head.

He had a small preview of this, three nights ago, though. It was one of those things that made you wish you had a crystal ball so you could’ve been warned of what would happen, and you could stop that one act that ruined the whole thing. You didn’t have to know everything, just enough to avoid the disaster.

Because this how these things usually happen. It’s one tiny moment, that would’ve meant nothing any other time, but after 20 years of accumulating little things, could turn it into a big one.  

He wanted to close his eyes and blame Zac for the entire thing, but the truth was he was the one that did the little thing he wish he could’ve foreseen when he got out of the bed that morning and maybe keep his damn mouth shut for once.

Everyone and their mothers knew how dedicate Taylor was when it came to work. He wanted everything right, to the every detail. It, of course, made him a pain in the ass to work with. He didn’t regret it, though. For two decades he gave everything he had in order to keep this band together, he felt it was his right to demand something similar to this dedication from his brothers.

Taylor could still see the scene, as if he was watching it from outside his body, as the words left his mouth. Isaac were recording vocals while he and Zac sat behind the soundboard. It was late night and their producer had left for the day, while they stayed behind working on some last details. Taylor snorted a laugh, shaking his head. They weren’t even working on something important.

Zac had been in a sour mood all day. He picked on every single thing they’ve done that day. From Taylor’s piano playing from Isaac’s outfit. He had a comment for everything. On that moment, he was sitting next to Taylor, drumming absently on his leg. He apparently had given up on acid comments and had taken the silent treatment route instead.

See, that’s when that crystal ball would’ve been a great help. Had he foreseen it, he would’ve kept his thoughts to himself.

He should’ve kept his stupid mouth shut.

Maybe he should blame his distraction on the fact that, moments before, Zac had nudged his feet with his own, stroking a subtle hand on his knee. Taylor didn’t move his eyes from Isaac, but he felt it. He could feel Zac’s eyes on him, his hunger rolling off him like waves towards Taylor. He always got horny when he was frustrated and it had been a month since they had some time alone.

It was probably the reason Taylor indulged him by brushing his fingers over the hand on his knee, losing himself on the touch burning right through his jeans. He was about to wrap his hand around Zac’s when Isaac’s voice brought him back to reality.

“Tay?” He called from the booth for what felt like the tenth time and Taylor lifted his head, pushing Zac’s hand away. He cleared his throat and turned to look at his older brother. “How was that?”

Honesty is the best policy. Whoever said that didn’t have brothers.

“I’m sorry, Ike. My mind kinda drifted off a little bit. Can we do it again?” Isaac groaned and rolled his eyes.

“You know, you’re supposed to pay attention here.” Isaac didn’t help either.

Taylor felt Zac shift on his left, but he didn’t pay attention. He should’ve paid attention. If there was ever a sign, it was the one. He ignored and kept going, though.

“I’m sorry, but from what I’ve heard it didn’t sound great anyways, so it would be better if you started over.” Some might say it was a harmless comment. The only problem was when it came with a baggage that weighted decades and blood ties. 

“No way I’m starting over, it was good.” Isaac insisted, all the fight already in him, and Zac shifted again. He sat on the edge of his seat, elbows propped on the soundboard while he stared at their brother. Taylor still didn’t know how he let it slip by him, but as he opened his mouth to answer, Zac cut him off.

“It was shitty, Ike.” He didn’t even sound that mean, but they were all tired and Isaac was already riled up by Taylor’s previous comment so, needless to say, things went downhill from there.

“Shut up, Zac.” Isaac said it almost as a command, leaving the booth to stand in front of them.

“Me shutting up doesn’t change the fact that it was crap, Ike, and you know it.” Zac responded petulantly, in a way only he knew how to do. It was childish and defiant, and never failed on getting on Isaac’s nerves. Isaac’s mouth moved, as if he was going to try to rebut, but Zac interrupted him. “You know, we have to stop patting ourselves on the back for every mediocre thing we do.”

“Zac, can we not-?” Taylor tried to intervene, but even he knew it was too late. Zac had been waiting for this moment the whole day. He only ignited the fire.

“No, Tay, we cannot not.” He got up and from his chair, as if his angry energy was too much to handle seated. “Isaac have been doing this through our whole career and we’ve accepted it so he wouldn’t get hurt, but right now, this album is already damaged as it is, so no. We cannot not do this.”

If Taylor had to describe what happened that night, he’d say it was some sort of anomaly. It was probably the reason it chocked him so much. Yes, they fought. As Zac liked to say, three times a day, like meals. Yes, they yelled at each other a lot too, but it usually didn’t happen the way it did.

First, Zac almost never got in between his spats with Isaac. He mostly would watch it with a bored look on his face, because when his two older brothers fought, they talked a lot and it was usually pretty tedious to watch.

Second, they’ve always tried to be sensitive with each other. They were brothers above everything else, and family should be their priority, so they did what they could to be respectful when disagreeing. Except none of this happened that night.

No wonder it got out of Taylor’s control so quickly.

“Zac, it’s not Isaac’s fault some things are not working out.” Taylor tried to argue tiredly, because it wasn’t their first argument about this. They fought about this album in Tulsa, and they fought about it in New York. No wonder they were fighting in LA too.

“No, Tay, it’s not, but at least he could try harder sometimes.” Taylor could hear the frustration dripping on Zac’s voice and the way it seemed like he had been keeping it all bottled up for months. It kept coming out without control, as if it was too much to keep quiet any longer. “Sometimes it if feels like it’s just you and me doing the heavy lifting while he just nods and repeats what we just said.”

“Fuck you, Zac!” Taylor couldn’t blame Isaac for being angry. Zac words were anything but light and they seemed to put a weight on the whole room. He was just glad they hadn’t brought in the filming crew that day. “I work my ass of for this band. I’ve putting our music in front of everything for the last 20 years, so don’t tell me I’m not doing my part.”

“Guys, let’s not do this.” Taylor sighed, trying to calm them down, but he knew it was a lost battle.

“No, no, no, Tay. It’s time we say some stuff, because otherwise we’re gonna release a pretty shitty album.” Zac waved his hands around as he talked, his shaggy hair bouncing around his face.

Isaac crossed his arms in front of his chest and tipped his chin defiantly towards Zac, clearly daring him to say anything else.

“Please, Zachary, enlighten us of what is so shitty about our work.” He said, his tone full of sarcasm.

“See, that’s your problem, Ike! You’re always trying to let things go when we’re only trying to make you understand something!” Zac ran both hands through his hair, his voice straining with irritation.

“The problem is that you and Taylor like to treat me like I’m less than you two! Like you’re the two brilliant minds and I’m just the dead weight you keep carrying around!” They were all but shouting now.

Taylor stood up too, putting himself strategically between them. Lord knew last time they screamed at each other, it got down to physical aggression.

“Ok, you two, calm the fuck down.” He extended both his arms in a clear sign that said ‘stop’, the palm of his hands turned to each brother. “Zac, I hear you, we hear you. You’re not totally happy about the album. We aren’t either, but we are working to make it better, ok? Isaac, we don’t think you’re a dead weight, you’re just as important to this band as any of us two, alright?”

Zac, his goddamn little brother, snickered at his last comment. Taylor knew for sure looks couldn’t kill, because Zac didn’t drop dead right at that moment with his glare.

“What is it, Zac? Are you saying that I’m dispensable? That I should quit?” There was a lot of anger in Isaac’s words, but there was also a lot of hurt.

Zac flinched at his tone, his eyes darting to the floor. It was like he finally realized he had gone too far. Isaac’s shoulders sagged and his eyes looked sad. All the fight had gone from his body and he was left with an empty look on his face. Zac’s mouth moved, as if he wanted to say something, but gave up on the last second.

“Not very brave right now, are you?” Isaac taunted, giving a humorless smirk. “You’re full of shit, Zac. You come at everyone when you should stop and think that maybe the problem is with you. Maybe you are off your game.”

“Well, I can’t do your job forever, can I?” The words rolled out of Zac’s mouth and dropped on the room like a bomb, leaving smoke and debris everywhere. The damage was done.

“Fuck this, I’m leaving.” Isaac grabbed their car keys and spun on his heels. He marched fast towards the studio door, with Taylor following him and calling his name. Isaac stopped, almost making the two collide. He turned to face his brother, his face hard. “Leave it, Taylor. I can’t stay here anymore. Just… I’ll see you later.”

And with this he left.

Taylor wished he could say that was the end of it and that he had called it a night and left too, but that was something far from the truth. After that came the real reason Taylor ended up coming back to the house ready to strangulate Zac.  

Taylor fell back on the bed, feeling the tension of the scene returning to his body as he remembered it. He tried to stretch, only to have his movement restrained by his clothes. He realized he was still on his day clothes, jeans and a button down shirt.

He didn’t know how he managed to fall asleep dressed like this, he was usually very particular about his sleep clothes. It only happened when he was too drunk to care. He wasn’t drunk, but the last days had been so awful he couldn’t bother, though. Still, the clothes were starting to feel like too much so Taylor’s hands fell on the buttons of his shirt and he started to undo them, until he removed it completely, leaving his undershirt on.

This movement brought back his second mistake of that night to his mind. Taylor could still feel Zac’s fingers tracing the front of his shirt, searching and wanting, and he kicked himself for his weakness. Yes, this was also Zac’s fault, but he let him, he allowed and let himself be lead on by his little brother’s charms. Apparently, stupidity ran in the family.

Taylor remembered watching silently the door close as Isaac left, and standing there for a whole minute in silence, trying to process what had just happened. He then turned, slowly, to face Zac, who was staring at his shoes intently.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” The words came out slowly, but forceful and Taylor could feel the heat of his anger making his cheeks red. He ran a hand through his hair, walking towards his little brother. “Zac! Seriously, what the fuck?”

Zac shifted on his feet, his mouth moving but not sound coming out. He sighed and scrubbed his face with hand hard, finally lifting his head to face Taylor.

“I- you- fuck!” He tripped over his words under Taylor’s deadly glare. “You know you thought it too!”

“No, Zac! I didn’t!” Taylor tried his best to keep his voice down, but it was getting harder. “Isaac is your brother! Your bandmate! We don’t say stuff like that to each other.”

“Stop using your dad tone with me!” Zac barked back. “I’m not one of your kids!”

“Damn right you aren’t! They would never speak to their siblings like you did. I raised them a lot better than that.” Honestly, Taylor thought he raised Zac better than that too.

Weather Zac liked it or not, Taylor had been a huge part of his little brother’s education, being one of the people responsible to take care of him when they were on tour. Nobody ever asked Taylor to do it, their parents were always present, but he always felt some sort of responsibility to give him a good example.

Watching him saying all those mean things made Taylor think he had failed somehow. Failed Zac, failed his position as the leader of their band. It was as if all those things he thought he was holding up were slowly tumbling down.

Zac opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, as if he started to say something, but gave up before it came out. He stared at Taylor, his eyes wide and shining with a mixture of anger and shame. His mouth moved again and this time he let out a humorless laugh, shaking his head.

“What, Zac?” Taylor was tired, it felt as if that night was going on forever. “For God’s sake, talk to me.”

If there was one thing he liked about their relationship was that they’ve always been able to share everything. They knew they could talk to each other without been judged. At least that was what Taylor believed. In that moment though, he could feel that maybe Zac had been keeping things from him, more than he was comfortable to imagine.

Zac shuffled on his feet, running a hand through his hair. It was long again, not quite reaching his shoulders yet, but full and wild as always. It fell back on his face as soon as his hand dropped and he blinked at Taylor through the strands. He looked almost anguished and Taylor would do absolutely anything to remove that look from him.

Taylor moved until they were only a few inches from each other, the tip of their shoes touching. There was no one around, they were allowed to be this close when it was just the two of them. They allowed themselves.

It wasn’t just Zac’s fault.

“I’m- Don’t you feel like there’s something off?” Zac’s question came out almost as a whisper and if Taylor wasn’t close as he was he wouldn’t have listened. He had his head down, eyes on the ground and his hands clasped behind his back. “Something doesn’t sound… right. I don’t like this feeling. I like being sure of what we’re doing. I don’t feel sure.”

Taylor couldn’t find words to object this. Something was definitely not working on the making of that album and he couldn’t quite say what it was. The feeling of uneasiness was there, though. Always lurking behind their backs, making them doubt their choices at every corner. He didn’t this feeling either.

Zac shook his hair out of his eyes and raised his head to face Taylor. His brown eyes were shining with something Taylor could only describe as fear. Hesitantly, he extended a hand and held Zac’s shoulder, squeezing it a little.

“You’re scared.” It wasn’t a question.

“I’m out of my mind terrified, Tay.” Zac said his name softly and his voice trembled at the confession. Taylor pressed his fingers with more force, trying to send a silent message that he was listening. “I feel like we’re repeating a lot of mistakes and Isaac… God, I know he’s my brother, but he’s so- he likes to play it safe. We can’t afford to play it safe, we got to be bold, but then there’s old man Isaac, pressing on the same key, ask us to accept the same old mistakes. It’s exhausting and I don’t think it’s working.”

Taylor felt his heart clench at Zac’s tone. He was still very angry about what he had done that night, but sounded defeated and Taylor hated it more than anything. He couldn’t let Zac’s terrible behavior pass, though.

“I get it, ok? I see it too, we’re in this boat together and believe me, I see the water, but you had no right to say those things to Isaac.” He definitely sounded liked a dad, even worse, their dad now and Zac grimaced at his voice. “Don’t make this face, you know what you did was wrong. Scared or not scared.”

“I know, I know! You don’t have to speak to me like I’m a little child.” Zac stepped away from him, going to slump on the couch nearby. He threw his head back, staring unblinkingly at the ceiling.

Taylor stood there for a second, watching him silently. This album making was clearly eating them alive. Zac looked tired, with dark circles around his eyes and stubble growing on his chin. They needed a break or they would break. Slowly Taylor approached the couch, stopping in front of Zac, his knees between the v of his legs.

“You should stop acting like a little child if you don’t want to be treated like one, you know.” Taylor spoke softly though, with no bite on his tone. Most of his anger was gone anyway. All there was left was disappointment. “You should apologize.”

“Yeah, know.” Zac answered still staring at the ceiling. “But not tonight. I doubt Ike wants to see my face for the next hour.”

_Or decades_ , Taylor corrected mentally, but said nothing. Zac lifted his head from where it was resting on the couch to look at his brother standing in front of him. Taylor gave him a small smile, but there was an intensity on Zac’s eyes.

That was the moment Taylor should’ve just turned and called it a night. It was late, they wouldn’t do anymore work anyone. Had he known what would happen next, he would’ve told Zac it was time to go and left. They all would talk in the morning and everything would be ok.

This was definitely not what happened.

What happened was that Zac kept staring at him with those amazingly beautiful eyes until he blurted out, “I miss you.”

In Taylor’s defense, he didn’t fall for it immediately. He did his best to put a confused look on his face and laughed.

“What do you mean? We were together 24/7 for the last 6 months.” People should congratulate him on his effort. It was a valid one, he was sure of it.

Zac wasn’t buying his little act, though. His gaze didn’t shift, he sat there, blinking at Taylor like he hadn’t said a word.

“I miss you.” He repeated and sat up on the couch. “I miss us.”

Taylor knew exactly what he was talking about. He wish he didn’t.

“Zac…” Taylor sighed tiredly. It wasn’t only their creative process that seemed to be falling in repetition.

Over the course of 6 years they had this same conversation a few times. It was inevitable that they would drift away from each other from time, but it never stopped them from feeling it. Every period when they couldn’t be with each other were deeply felt by them and always resulted on a conversation like this one.

“Tay.” Only his name’s abbreviation coming out of Zac’s lips softly, almost adoringly was enough for Taylor forget about everything around him. It only got harder to resist over the years.

“Zac, not now.” He tried, he truly did. He took a couple of steps back even, trying to put some distance between them, but Zac got up and in two decided steps he was all over his personal space.

“Are you still mad at me?” He asked, his hands coming to rest on Taylor’s narrow hips. Taylor tried not to react at the contact, but it had been so long since they were able to be this close. He closed his eyes and shook his head.

“I’m sad.” It was an honest answer. He was sad that it had to come to this, the three of them yelling without finding common ground.

“I don’t like making you sad.” Zac dropped his forehead on Taylor’s shoulder, breathing him in. “Fuck, Tay… not being able to be like this with you is driving me crazy too. With all the album stuff…”

Taylor understood exactly what he was saying. Sometimes he felt so overwhelmed by their work that all that he wanted was to crawl on Zac’s lap to get some comfort. Having him so close and not close enough was torture.

They were touching now, though and Taylor was only human. A very flawed one. Zac moved his head, fitting it on the crook of his neck, his breath damp against his skin. Taylor ran a hand through his hair, hearing him sigh.

“We shouldn’t do this here, babe.” He muttered, but didn’t move an inch away. He missed them too.

“There’s no one here but us, Tay. Relax.” Zac kissed the point where his mouth connected to Taylor’s neck and Taylor was gone.

Before he knew it, Zac was pressing him against the soundboard, his thigh pressing insistently between his legs as he slipped his tongue inside Taylor’s mouth. Taylor knew he should’ve resisted more, but when Zac was right there, all over him, all rational thinking left his body.

The only thing his mind was registering in that moment was Zac’s hand unbuttoning his jeans and his fingers slipping inside to grab him. Taylor moaned against his lips, his hips jerking forwards under the touch.

If Taylor had one thing to say in Zac’s defense was that he was the one who heard it. Taylor was too far gone on the hand inside his pants to hear anything. Zac stopped the attack on his mouth, still holding him close.

“Can you…?” Then Taylor heard it too. Footsteps approaching the room. They only had time to jump out of each other, when the door opened brusquely.

Isaac stood on the doorway, apparently surprised to see them there. Taylor only had time to turn and brace himself on the soundboard, so he wouldn’t see the clear volume on his pants and Zac had thrown himself on the couch, still looking very disheveled.

Isaac gazed between his two guilty-looking brothers, trying to read what was happening before he entered the room. Zac was staring at his hands and Taylor knew he was probably just as flushed as he was. Taylor could still feel the beard-burns on his face and his cock throbbing inside his underwear.

“Isaac, I thought you had left?” Taylor tried to sound casual, but he knew by Zac’s grimace that he wasn’t very convincing.

“I forgot my phone.” Isaac answered slowly, still eyeing them suspiciously.

Taylor looked around, locating the phone on the soundboard right next to him. He took and handed it to Isaac, a fake smile plastered on his face.

“Here you go.” His faux-cheerfulness made Zac roll his eyes and Taylor threw him a warning look.

Isaac’s head moved from Taylor to Zac and then back to Taylor again and he could almost see the cogs working underneath his brother’s well-coiffed hair.

“What was going on here?” He asked carefully and he sounded like he didn’t actually want the answer. Zac opened his mouth, but Isaac shook his head. “You know what? I don’t care. I don’t care if you two were fighting or talking about me behind my back. I’m done.”

“Ike, please. Don’t do this.” Taylor helplessly tried to save this somehow. He would fight to death for this band. “Let’s talk. Solve this like adults.”

“Not tonight, Tay. Not tonight.” Unfortunately stubbornness was a family trait and Isaac seemed determinate not to have that conversation. “Let’s see how I feel about this in the morning.”

He left angrily again, slamming the door on his way out. They both remained frozen to the spot, their whole body tense, until they couldn’t hear Isaac’s steps anymore. Zac’s shoulders sagged and Taylor slumped against the soundboard, his legs finally giving out from fear. That was the closest they got to being caught in years.

 Zac ran both hands through his hair, letting out a sigh in relief. He lifted his head and his eyes met Taylor’s, a smirk slowly replacing the earlier apprehension on his face. He got up and started walking towards Taylor with clear seductive intentions.

Taylor stared at him in confusion, refusing to believe what he was seeing. He couldn’t possible want to pick up where they left off after almost getting caught by their old brother, could he? Zac continued to move, though and resumed his previous position, with his hands on Taylor’s hips.

“So, where were we?” He asked while leaning forward. Taylor’s brain finally processed what was happening there and pushed him by placing both hands on his chest.

“Are you insane?” Zac had to be out of his mind, it was the only explanation for his general behavior that night.

“What? Isaac is gone!” Taylor couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He shook his head and pulled away from Zac. That whole night had to be a really bad joke, it couldn’t be real. He started moving through the room gathering his things while Zac stared at him in confusion. “What are you doing?”

“What do you think? I’m leaving! Jesus…” Taylor put his bag on his shoulder, feeling furious. He couldn’t understand how he could’ve been so stupid.

“Why? Taylor, stop!” Zac grabbed his arm before he could get to the door.

“Why? Wh- Zac, we almost got caught and you want to just keep going?” Zac made a gesture that said ‘why not?’ and Taylor never wanted to punch him more.

“We almost got caught, but we didn’t. Besides, Isaac was too angry with me to notice anything.” He tried to bring Taylor close again, but he yanked his arm away from Zac’s grip.

“You must be suffering from some sort of temporary insanity, you can’t be serious.” He just couldn’t. Taylor opened the door and turned to see a very baffled Zac staring at him one more time. “Please, just come back when you’re normal again.”

After that, Taylor found himself trying to hail a cab at 1am in the middle of LA. When he got to the house, their rental wasn’t parked on the front door so he assumed Isaac hadn’t gone back there. He didn’t bother to check, though. He walked straight to his room and dropped himself on the bed, trying hard not to punch something.

Taylor woke up the next morning to an empty house. If Isaac or Zac had returned they’ve already left by the time he got up. The next two days hadn’t been different. He could see signs that his brothers had been in the house at some point like dirty plates and guitars left on couches, but he didn’t actually see either of them.

It had to be their worst fight in years. Taylor couldn’t remember the last time he spent the this amount of time without at least exchanging messages with Isaac or Zac. Even when they decided they wouldn’t speak during their break because six months, every hour of the day together were more than enough, the resolution wouldn’t last more than a day.

Taylor ended up with three days in California with a lot of free time since his brothers ditched him. He spent those visiting old friends, crashing on their couch and avoiding the house as much as he could.

It was lucky they were only scheduled to go back to the studio in two days, or else they’d be losing money too. They should be writing, though. They were already behind on this about and their little spat was a major setback.

Earlier that afternoon Taylor had knocked on both his brother’s rooms, with no answer. Something on the pit of his stomach kept telling him that maybe that was it. It was their end and there was no coming back. It would be such a ridiculous way to end. A small, petty fight in the studio.

Taylor pressed his hands over his eyes, feeling a lump form on his throat. The last time he felt like this was over 10 years before when music executives kept saying what they were doing was shit. Back then it felt like everything they’ve built so far was about to be rip off their hands. Now it was as if all the things they fought so hard for could crumble at any moment, like a house of cards, such delicate construction that would fall apart with a single breath.

Taylor wouldn’t go down without a fight, though. He never let things go easily, let alone something important to him as his band. He already had a whole plan in his mind and he would make his two stupid brothers talk things over even if he had to lock them up together until they kissed and made up.

He turned on the bed, deciding he would do it first thing in the morning. He only had to wait a couple of hours and then he would ambush them on the living room and make them talk. Nobody would leave that house before them could solve this. He smiled to himself, satisfied with his idea and believing it would work.

He decided that while he waited he might as well recover some of his sleepless nights. Feeling more relaxed after coming up with a solution to one of his many problems, Taylor closed his eyes, ready to take a nap and rest enough to handle what would probably an exhausting conversation.

He barely had started drifting off when the sound of the door opening rose him again. Taylor raised his head, turning to see a sheepish-looking Zac standing on the doorway, his head barely visible through the crack he opened. He obviously didn’t expect Taylor to be awake, by the look of surprise on his face.

They stared at each other for a moment, Zac waiting for permission to enter and Taylor deciding if he would let him. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to start his plan this early. Zac looked like a kicked puppy standing at his door at four in the morning, though, and he couldn’t remember a time when he were able to say no to him, so he made a sign that said he could coming in.

Zac gave him a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes and moved towards the bed. He timidly sat next to Taylor’s feet, both hands on his lap. Taylor moved to a sitting position, propping his back against the headboard of the bed, so he could see him better in the low light from the lamp on the nightstand.

For a while, they just looked at each other without saying anything. Taylor hadn’t seen Zac since he stormed out of the studio and part of him was just happy to see that face again. The circle under his eyes told him Zac hadn’t get much sleep on those last three days either. There was also a stubble growing into a full beard on his chin and upper lip and his clothes looked rumpled. Taylor wasn’t the only one struggling with their fight apparently.

For a moment, Taylor felt almost relieved that Zac looked that miserable. At least it told him he felt bad about the things he said. It told him that there was hope for them to work things out. Regret meant wanting to fix things, right? Taylor wanted to believe it.

Along with relief, he also felt an almost unstoppable desire to take Zac into arms and just hold him until that look was off his face forever. He knew he was partially to blame for some of that pain that he held in his sad eyes and Taylor hated it. He hated that they got to this point.

“I thought you’d be asleep.” Zac was the first to break the silence. Taylor was right then. He shook his head and Zac nodded. He knew he didn’t have to explain to Zac what was keeping him up at night.

“Do you want to…?” Taylor wasn’t even sure what he was asking. Do you want to talk? To lay down with me? Do you want to kiss me and just forget this whole mess? Do you want me to leave you alone? The last couldn’t be true. Zac was right there. He came back.

Zac shrugged, sighing and lowering his eyes back to his lap. He probably didn’t know what he wanted either. He went to Taylor’s room hoping he would be asleep. To do what? Probably to say to himself, ‘hey, at least I tried.’ Maybe he planned to just crawl next to him like he had done so many times before instead.

It was always nice to wake up with Zac all over him, since his concept of personal space was inexistent. They would trade lazy kisses in the morning, probably still tired from the night before and spend hours tangled up in the sheets. Sometimes they would make love, but most frequently, they would just stay there, holding each other, content to be together.

That seemed something from so long ago now with them sitting in silence in a dark room, a tension lingering in the air. Taylor could sense that whatever came from that conversation, would be something big for them. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what would be, though.

Schrödinger’s cat. The cat was dead and alive. This room was Schrödinger’s box. Until they had this conversation, they were together and not together. Dead and alive.

Zac moved one of his hands and grabbed one of Taylor’s ankles, the closest part of him. He stared at his thumb moving over the exposed skin, trying to find the words to start this. Taylor waited. He knew when to shut up and wait.

“I spoke to Isaac.” The words were almost inaudible. Zac’s head still hang low, his eyes fixed on his hand. His hair was tied in a bun, so he didn’t have this artifice to hide. His face was still hidden by the shadows, though. Taylor couldn’t see his expression, so he just listened. “I took him out, we came back just now. I apologized.”

“Good.” Taylor muttered, but Zac continued as if he didn’t hear it.

“We had a long conversation. I talked. Isaac talked. Isaac _talked._ ” They both snorted at this. They knew how much Isaac could talk. “But it was good. We cleared up a lot of things that were weird between us. I think it was what we needed to do. Say some stuff without the anger, just honesty.”

Taylor couldn’t help but feel proud of Zac. Most times his little brother would act in ways most people would call childish and behave like a true manchild, but he was clearly very mature about how you solved his problem with Isaac. Taylor liked to think he had some influence on that.

“Do we still have a band then?” He asked with a hint of humor and Zac smirked.

“Yes. We do have a band. And half-ass album to finish.” He was still bitter about the album then.

“Zac, please-” Zac shook his head no, weaving a dismissive hand.

“I don’t want to talk about this. Not now.”

Another meaningful silence settled around them after this. The silence said that they couldn’t talk about the album in that moment because there was a gigantic white elephant with the face of their forbidden relationship sitting between them.

Zac’s hand moved further on Taylor’s leg, tracing his calf until it rested on his knee. Taylor tried to memorize the touch, what it felt like to have Zac’s fingers on him, the warmth of his hand. There was some sort of finality hanging in the air around them and Taylor couldn’t help but think it could be the last time he felt that.

“Isaac cried a little bit.” Zac spoke and his voice was almost out of place in the quiet of the room.

“Uh?” Taylor was watching Zac’s hand moving distractingly on his bony knee, remembering how it traced random patterns on his chest, as they lied in bed together, basking in afterglow once.

“Isaac. When we talked. He cried a little bit.” Zac stared at Taylor with a gleam of mischief on his eyes, waiting for him to register what he said. When Taylor’s brain got out of the gutter and finally processed what he was saying they both laughed.

They stayed there sniggering like a couple of schoolboys for a full minute, as the thought of an emotional Isaac seemed hilarious to them.

“Oh God, why is he so embarrassing?” Taylor said a little breathless and Zac nodded in agreement.

“Our big brother is a human disaster.” He quipped, making they both laugh more.

The mood had been definitely lighten, but they knew they couldn’t avoid that conversation forever. Zac kept touching him through that little exchange as if he was trying to ground himself or maybe memorize as Taylor was doing before.

They were still so distant though. There was an invisible barrier between them, stopping them for getting closer, physically, emotionally. Part of Taylor wished they would just came out and said it, so they could just get out of the limbo they were in. The other part didn’t want this moment to end, wanted them to stay there frozen in time, without facing the possible hurt that this conversation could bring.

He felt like a coward.

He felt scared.

Zac, though… Zac has always been the braver of the two of them. Yes, Taylor was usually the one to take the big risks, but he did those things out of desperation. He married when he was 19 because he saw no other way, he forced them to leave their label because it either that or being miserable forever.

Zac on the other hand, he did brave things because he was bolder than Taylor was. He married at 20 not because he had a pregnant girlfriend and a noose around his neck, but because he found the right one. He was the one who asked Taylor to kiss him, to touch him, to fuck him first. He was amazing and courageous and Taylor had nothing but admiration for him.

He was the one to say no more when he thought he should.

Taylor remembered being mad at Zac, though. He remembered being angry that Zac had been irresponsible and risked them being caught. He could feel some of this anger still burning at the pit of his stomach and held on to it. He couldn’t be brave, but he could be angry. Zac shouldn’t have done that. He was right to be angry.

It was borderline ridiculous how the simple sight of Zac’s face made him forget everything. Taylor was always overwhelmed by the love he felt for him, that any anger, any resentment became paler in comparison.

Now that he remembered it however, it was unstoppable. He could feel his whole body start trembling again as he let out a deep sigh and moved his leg away from Zac’s touch. They couldn’t do this right if they were touching.

Zac raised his head in surprise, watching Taylor’s face. He probably saw the anger back there, because his shoulders tensed and he sat straight. His hand rested on the bed where Taylor leg was before.

Taylor hugged his legs closer to his chest, his arms circling them and his hands clasped firmly together. He knew he was closing himself off from Zac, but he couldn’t help it. His anger made his body vibrate again and he rested his chin on his knees, feeling his jaw clench.

Zac opened his mouth a couple of times and then closed again, as if he didn’t know where to start. He watching Taylor’s face with big eyes, but nothing seemed to come to him. He scrubbed a hand through his face in clear frustration and let out a heavy sigh.

“C’mon, Tay. Speak. Let it all out.” Zac didn’t remove the hand covering his face and his words sounded muffled. Even out of sync as they were, he knew Taylor’s M.O. when it came to fighting.

“You were so-” Taylor started, chocking on his own anger. “Why are you always so reckless?”

Zac stared at him in confusion, as if it wasn’t what he was expecting Taylor to say.

“Taylor, what are you-?” But he didn’t get to finish his question.

“I mean, couldn’t you just, for once, think about the consequence of your acts?” Taylor cut him off as if he didn’t hear him. “It’s been like this our whole lives. We blinked and you were getting in a fight with someone twice your size, because you just couldn’t think before you did stupid shit!”

Zac really seemed to be taken aback by those words. Apparently, it wasn’t the fight he thought that was going to happen. Taylor let go of his legs to run his fingers insistently through his hair, making it stick around wildly. He closed fists on it, tugging a little as if the pain could will away some of his frustration.

“I really don’t understand what this has to do with anything.” Zac sounded genuinely lost.

“I’m talking about you, kissing me in the studio, where anyone could catch us! What the fuck was that?” Taylor watched Zac’s confusion turning into anger as he realized what he just said.

“What?” The word came out high-pitched, full of disbelief. “Are you blaming me for this? Really?”

“Really, Zac. Really. Because you were the one that came to me with your whole ‘I miss you’ and sweet talk while our brother was on the other side of the door!” The end of the sentence was more of a hiss than full words. Taylor didn’t yell, he talked forcefully.

“You’re so full of shit, Tay.” Zac got up and stood with his hands on his hair, messing up the tight bun that held it together. “You’re so full of shit. Don’t you try to pin this on me. You wanted it too! I see what you’re trying to do and I’m not falling for it. We both agreed on this, Taylor. I didn’t force you into anything.”

They both knew Zac wasn’t talking about what happened on the studio anymore. Taylor didn’t realize until that moment that he was trying to do exactly what Zac had implied. He was trying to blame their whole relationship on his little brother so he could get out guilty free and Zac was calling him out on his bullshit.

They stared at each other for a long time, the forceful words leaving them breathless, chests heaving as they absorbed Zac’s words. Taylor was the first to break eye contact, his head falling back to rest against the headboard of the bed. He gripped the legs of his jeans until his knuckles were white, feeling his throat tight and his eyes stinging with feelings he wasn’t ready to admit yet.

“Zac, I-” He tried to start, but Zac interrupted him laughing so coldly he felt it on his bones. He kept going until it sounded hysterical, doubled on himself with his hands on his knees. Taylor didn’t dare to speak.

Slowly Zac stopped, still trying to catch his breath. He shook his head and pressed his lips together, his face torn with sadness. Taylor had to fight the impulse of reaching out to him, to bring him into his arms and kiss him until they forgot all of this.

“It’s just-” Zac stopped and shook his head again, a humorless smile spreading across his face. “It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so damn fucked up. I mean, here I am standing, waiting for my own brother to break up with me. I mean, it’s comedy gold right here. I’m being dumped by older brother.”

Then he laughed until it turned into a sob. Taylor felt like every organ inside him was shattering, not only his heart. In fact, it was almost as if his entire being was breaking into tiny little pieces, where every one of them hurt. It was indescribable pain coursing through his whole body.

Ever since they were kids he was the one that made sure Zac was always happy and taken care of. He was always ready to hurt whoever tried to do anything against his little brother. He couldn’t miss the irony of the whole thing.

Zac wasn’t full on crying. Taylor couldn’t actually remember the last time he saw his brother cry, but he wasn’t that much of a crier. His eyes were moist and his hands were shaking by his sides, but he kept staring at Taylor defiantly, the sad smile still on his lips.

“I’m so sorry, Zac.” It was all Taylor managed to get out, his own eyes filling to the brim, the tears spilling graceless across his face. He was still hugging his legs, as if he was afraid of what he could do if he let himself go.

Zac nodded once, then twice, shifting his feet. Taylor hid his face behind his knees, waiting for him to leave. He couldn’t possibly stay after this.

“You know I can’t hate you, right?” Taylor lift his head just enough so he could see Zac from behind his knees. He was still there. Stance wide, hands behind his back. “I just- I love you too much. It’s insane, believe me I know it is. You’re my brother, we were raised together and I shouldn’t feel like this. But I do. So you could tell me no a thousand times and I would come back a thousand and one. Simple as that.”

He sounded pragmatic. Taylor had to concede that it was so very Zac not to admit defeat. If it were something really believed in, he would fight for it until he was black and blue and then he would keep going.

“I love you too.” Taylor knew he sounded lame after Zac’s words, but he didn’t care. He had to say it.

“I know.” His smile was still so sad. “This is why I’m going to lay on your bed and we’re gonna make love and then we can have this break up you still haven’t the courage to propose.”

Taylor could help but laugh at this. Damn his stubborn brother. He extended a hand, finally relaxing enough and inviting Zac to his embrace. Zac’s fingers wrapped around his and he tugged him forward until he fell on his lap.

Zac ran his hands through Taylor’s hair, cupping the back of his head and letting their foreheads fall together. They let out a shaky breath as they breathed each other in and Taylor could still feel the moisture on his own face.

“I don’t-” Zac licked his lips and let his eyes fall close. “I don’t usually think about consequences, but I think you need it. You need my reckless side. You need me. Us. I’m not giving up on this.”

The words were whispered against Taylor’s parted mouth and he swallowed them. He believed every part of Zac’s promise. He needed to. Zac closed the space between them, sealing his promise with a kiss.

They made love then. The morning light filtered through the closed window, illuminating their bodies on the tangled sheets as they moved together slowly, Zac trashing around the mattress underneath Taylor, with his head thrown back in pure pleasure.

They kissed, touched, licked and sucked, whispering words against each other’s skins, little promises, words of affection, declarations of love. Sweat and tears mixed as the climax took them and they shook together, holding each other close.

They lied together afterwards, Zac’s head resting against Taylor’s chest and their skins sticking with sweat. Taylor felt Zac caress the hair on his chest absently, his eyes unfocused as if he was lost in thoughts.

It was full morning by now, the sun was up and making the room glow. Taylor’s phone rang again, vibrating insistently on the nightstand and removing Zac from his trance. He lift his head and Taylor could see by his expression that he saw who it was on the caller ID. They both ignored it until the call went to voicemail and the room was silent again.

“Sometimes…” Zac let his head drop against Taylor’s chest again while his hand rest against his ribs. “Sometimes, we we’re together like this, I feel like this is happening on a separated universe.”

Taylor gave a tiny smile, the words sounding a little silly to him. 

“No, I mean it.” Zac insisted, squeezing his side. “It’s like this doesn’t count. It’s like we have this whole life with our wives and kids and the band, and then we have this, together. This is why sometimes I’m so… reckless like you said. The other universe stops existing when we’re together.”

“Like a magic spell.” Taylor muttered, recalling his messy, angry thoughts. Zac lifted his head to see his face better at the words and nodded.

“Yeah, kinda like that. Now, though, I feel like these universes are getting closer and closer and I understand why you want to finish it.”

Zac didn’t sound hurt. He was practical, logical, as if he got to the only possible conclusion. Taylor grabbed the back of his head and dragged him for a deep kiss. They licked into each other’s mouths, groaning at the contact. When they broke apart, Zac placed a few pecks on Taylor’s lips before resting against him.

“Things are too messy right now.” Taylor finally said. “Not only with us, but with the band too. I think we should take a breather, you know? Take a step back. Maybe spend some time apart, so we can figure out where we want to go from here. If we still want to do this.”

Taylor knew Zac understood he meant both the band and their relationship. They couldn’t drop their wives and kids and go live together somewhere, so what future this thing between then had? Taylor thought it was a fair question and that they should try to give each other space to think about it.

“I don’t know how long I can stay away from you.” Zac confessed, his cheeks getting a lovely shade of red. Taylor caressed his face, letting his fingers trace his strong jaw until they reached his full, red lips. Zac kissed his fingers, devotion seeping through the gesture.

“It’s going to be hard for me too, but we’ll have to figure it out, I guess.” He didn’t mean to sound insensible, but it was just the way things were. They couldn’t go on the way they did.

Zac nodded again, his face betraying no emotion as he turned to sink his face on the crook of Taylor’s neck. Taylor felt it before he heard, the tears damping his skin and he tighten his embrace, holding his little brother more firmly against him.

The sobs were painful to hear and Taylor could feel the skin breaking on his shoulder where Zac had dug his nails in, but he held still, his face impassible as he felt as if the most important part of himself was leaving him.

This went on for a few minutes, the silence of the room only perturbed by the broken sounds coming out of Zac. He went still after a while, just breathing against Taylor, his grip finally slackening as the tension left his body.

They stayed like this until they could hear sounds coming from the other side of the door. Isaac was up and making breakfast apparently. Wordlessly, Zac pealed himself from Taylor, gathered his clothes from the floor and moved to the adjoined bathroom.

Taylor heard the shower being turned on, the sound of falling water filling his ears. He didn’t want to think about how Zac was washing himself clean from him. Eliminating any trace of what they had done.

Zac came out after a while, his hair damp and his shirt sticking to his skin in places he didn’t dry off. Taylor hadn’t moved from his spot on the bed, the sheets barely covering him. They stared at each other for a moment, before Zac’s face broke in one of his beautiful smiles.

“I’m going to see what Ike is doing.” He said casually, moving to the door. “I don’t trust him with my food.”

Taylor nodded, but the gesture felt empty and meaningless. Zac must’ve felt the awkwardness too, because he shuffled on his feet, looking around the room.

“I’m going to… take a shower.” Taylor said, his voice sounding weird, distant, as if it didn’t belong to him. “Then I can make something edible for us.”

Zac grinned again, this time with more sincerity.

“Can you make pancakes?” He asked with a childish glow on his eyes. Taylor couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah, sure.” He had to know Taylor would always give him anything he wanted. Zac did a silly dance and opened the door.

“I’ll try to save you some eggs.” And then he was gone.

Taylor fell back on the bed, feeling like a block of concrete was sitting on his chest. He tried to convince himself he was doing the right thing, but everything about it felt wrong and his body was protesting.

Still, this felt like one of those hard choices he had to make through his whole life and he was going to go through with it. He always did.

Taylor got up, leaving the messy sheets behind. He had pancakes to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please, don't kill the author. 
> 
> I swear I won't leave you sad.
> 
> I'm sad tho, next is the last and I'm not ready to let go of this story.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy and tell me what you think. 


	6. Into The Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four years after their break-up, Zac and Taylor have an important conversation.

After 14 hours on the studio, Zac was finally heading home. He probably did longer hours before, but he wasn’t 12 anymore. A few years ago, the whole process of recording an album felt like fun and games for him, but at the age of 31, he was starting to feel it more deeply on his body.

He ran a hand through the back of his neck feeling it stiff. There was an insistent ache irradiating from the base of his spine all the way up his back. It probably the result of all the time spent hunched over a drum kit and a soundboard. His throat felt raw with all the singing and talking that he did that day.

 It was all worth it, though. Zac quickly made a mental check on the list of all the things they accomplished today and felt incredible satisfied. He was truly in love with this project, so he didn’t mind working until his body was numb with tiredness and his brain felt like pudding after throwing ideas around all day. A Christmas album, after all those years, felt like the right thing to do.

He was half-paying attention to Isaac and their producer for the album, Mark, chatting about something they wanted to record the next morning. They would probably have 4 hours of sleep and then back to work. Zac was happy to realize that it was something he was looking forward to instead of dreading the idea.

It didn’t hurt that they finally felt they were on the right track as a band again. It took a while and some painful choices, but things seemed to be falling back into place. For a moment, he truly thought they wouldn’t make it, that he would have to say goodbye to the one of the things that defined who he was, but they somehow made it work. They found their groove again so Zac was happy. Happy for himself, happy for their work together. Happy.

They made their way together outside, stopping by the sidewalk to continue the conversation. Zac was barely listening, too tired to give the talk full attention. He shoved his hands on his pockets and looked around the empty street. It was late and all the business around them had closed hours ago. It was a ghost town around them.

The two men next to him finished talking and the group parted ways. Zac gave both men a curt nod as in a way of goodbye and made his way to his car. His car keys jingled as he waved Isaac and Mark goodbye, watching them getting on Isaac’s car. He was driving Mark back to the place he was staying, since Zac lived too far to detour his way to give him a ride.

Zac stopped near his own car and listened to Isaac’s car leaving the parking lot until the sound of the tires against the asphalt couldn’t be heard anymore. He drummed his fingers on the roof of his pick-up truck, and looked back to the 3CG building.

The dark tinted windows made it impossible to know if somebody was still inside, but Zac knew that almost everyone had gone home by now. Almost everyone. The parking space in front of the building was nearly empty now that Isaac had left. The only two cars still there were his pick-up and Taylor’s silver Land Rover parked not too far. Zac drummed his fingers again, shuffling on his feet.

When they called it a night and decided to head home, Taylor said he was staying. Isaac argued that there wasn’t much more they could accomplish for the night and that they might as well go home to kiss their wives and kids, and get some sleep, but Taylor brushed him off saying it wouldn’t take long.

“You can go.” He said, not lifting his eyes from the paper where he was scribbling, brows furrowed in concentration. “We can talk about this tomorrow.”

Isaac didn’t insist. He shrugged and gathered his stuff to leave. Zac stood there, watching as Taylor scratched his head forcefully, his tongue peaking between his pink lips. His hair was a mess after the abuse it suffered from his hands, but he never cared about it. He got up and pushed past Zac to get to the piano, completely ignoring the party getting ready to leave.

Zac thought about offering to stay. Taylor worked better when he had someone to bounce off ideas to, and they’ve made quite a pair through the years. They worked perfectly together. He opened his mouth to ask if Taylor wanted some company when Isaac tapped on his shoulder and asked him if he was going.

Taylor wasn’t paying attention to them. He was pressing on the piano keys, apparently trying to make sense of a melody that only existed inside his head. Zac watched his fingers almost in a trance until Isaac announced they were leaving. Zac only hesitated a little before he grabbed his own bag and left with the other two.

Standing on the parking lot, Zac thought about going back inside. He shuffled on his feet, his eyes still glued on the building. He lost count of how many times he made up lame excuses so he could spend time alone with Taylor over the years. The list was probably longer than their music catalog and it was saying a lot.

He had the perfect opportunity now. He could just go back inside and Taylor wouldn’t even mind much. He would probably be glad to have someone to listen to him ramble. Zac sighed and unlocked his car. They had a deal, the two of them. Meeting alone without a pretty good excuse wasn’t part of this deal. Zac said he was leaving so he was leaving. He got inside the pickup’s cab and slammed the steering wheel in frustration.

It was bullshit that he couldn’t spend time with his own brother. Zac ran his hands through his hair, undoing the bun on the back of his head, hair coming lose all over his face. It was for the best, they had been good until now. They kept their word and Zac wouldn’t be the one to break it. Taylor wanted him to be good so he would be.

With a last look to Taylor’s car, Zac turned the key on the ignition and took off.

 

It was around 2 AM and the streets were empty, so the only thing keeping Zac company was the music playing in the car. He bobbed his head along, tapping rhythmically on the steering wheel. It was something playing on the radio. Country, probably. His mind wasn’t properly registering the song.

It was a good thing that his car was the only one on the road because his thoughts were elsewhere. He couldn’t stop returning to the moment he stood on the studio, tempted to stay. His mind kept replaying the image of Taylor bent over the piano, messy hair falling over his face as he worked with his usual dedication, fingers sliding over the keys.

The song changed, Zac noticed after a while. It was something slower, some guy singing about his broken heart. Zac snorted and decided it was better to pick something on his phone to listen. He thumbed on it, one hand still holding the wheel, and chose an album that would fit his mood.

Soft piano notes filled the pickup’s cab and Zac felt his heart flutter. Over the years, he came to associate the instrument with his brother so deeply that sometimes it was hard to think of one without the other. If somebody asked him to close his eyes and picture Taylor, the result would be him in front of a piano, back curved, fingers spread because his posturing had always been awful, knees bent even when he is sitting, body swaying with the rhythm, restless feet and rosy cheeks. Always rosy cheeks.

Of course this connection was easy to make, because Taylor was their main pianist and it was the instrument where he excelled at since he was very young, but there was also something about the piano itself that Zac couldn’t help but see in his brother. Zac could see the similarities between the delicate, almost aristocratic features of Taylor’s countenance and the forms of a beautiful piano that was at the same time capable of string powerful sounds that could fill spaces and touch souls.

Soft and mighty. That was how Zac saw them both.

The song continued, the piano strings strumming the ones on Zac’s heart, the longing he felt back on the parking lot stronger than ever. He tighten the grip on the steering wheel, unsettled by the sensation. He wasn’t sure if he would ever get used to it. It took over him on most random moments over the years. He would look at Taylor and then it would feel like they hadn’t talked in years even if they had just exchanged words. It was the strangest feeling to miss someone sitting right by your side, but it was exactly what it was.

If Zac had to guess, he would say that it happened because Taylor had something of him. Something that was previously his. Something that completed him, that made him whole. Something that he could never have back because he gave it away gladly.

Missing Taylor was like missing a limb and Zac was definitely tired of going around limping.

Zac sighed and skipped the song. He was trying to shut down any Taylor-related thought, and the stupid piano wasn’t helping. Something more upbeat started playing and we went back drumming on the wheel, while watching the road.

He tried to mentally go through the things they did that day, making a list of the things they should probably try to fix or redo soon. It was good to focus on the job. It was one thing he was truly good at and it usually stopped his mind from wandering too much. It served the purpose of blocking unwanted thoughts and he was productive. Two birds with one stone.

It worked for a while. Zac was halfway home and thinking about a melody he should probably record somewhere before he forgot, when the sight of the empty, dark road, strayed his mind towards the days they spent travelling around the country on a tour bus.

At first it was just a good, familiar memory. The life on the tour bus, the nights spent awaken, watching the cars pass the bus, too keyed up by everything to sleep. It soon became the image of Taylor’s blue eyes watching the road through the window, the two of them alone together in the back of the bus, Taylor resting against his naked chest, the rest of the bus asleep and none the wiser.

It happened so long ago it felt like a dream instead like a memory. The feel of Taylor’s blond hair, wild, spilling against his collarbone, the sweetest smile gracing his thin, red lips as he spoke softly, talking about how he loved the road at night. How it was all quiet all around and the road seemed endless in the darkness.

Zac would listen to his rant with deep appreciation, commenting on appropriated times and pressing kisses against his hair and temple occasionally, just because he could. His fingers danced over Taylor’s ribs, usually making him shrink away and laugh, swatting his hand away.

The vision stole Zac’s breath away. He lift his foot off the gas, not trusting himself not to just drive off the road as the memory spread inside him like poison. He punched the steering wheel, making the car’s horn go off for a moment. The sound echoed through the empty night and didn’t help with his anger.

Zac couldn’t even point out what was making him so angry. Maybe he was angry with himself, with his inability to let this go. He wanted to say it was the first time over the course of the last four years that his thoughts got into this endless and awful looping that always came back to Taylor, but it wasn’t true.

It didn’t happen at first, though. Right after they left Los Angeles and broke apart as soon as they got to the Tulsa Airport, there was nothing. A whole month of silence. Zac couldn’t remember the last time he spent that amount of time without speaking to his older brothers. He took the time to spend with his family. He built things. He shot things. Anything to keep his mind off the fact that his band was falling apart.

That he was falling apart.

They started talking again, eventually. Isaac broke first. He called Taylor, texted Zac. They made it work. Went far away to write the album. A change of scenery in order to start fresh. A clean slate.  It worked; they wrote, recorded and released a new album. They went on tour and outside everything seemed back on track.

That was what probably bothered him the most. Taylor was the same person with him in general. They talked, he pretended not to find Zac’s jokes funny but laughed anyway, and they bantered and fought as they always did at any other time of their lives. Except something was missing. Maybe it was the way Taylor avoided eye contacted that lasted more than 2 seconds or how he generally didn’t stay in the room with Zac unless there was another person there too, but something woke this ceaseless longing inside Zac’s chest.

It started when Zac first noticed these little changes on his brother’s behavior. It was missing something that wasn’t gone, because Taylor was always there, but always out of reach. Sometimes Taylor slipped his self-control, though. Sometimes it was a look, other times it was a smile, but something in then told Zac that he felt it too. That he wasn’t just imagining what this separation was doing to them.

Zac thought it would get better with time. He tried to believe that actually spend time acting as normal as they could would make them get over whatever it was that made them want to come back to each other. Except it didn’t help at all. This longing would always take over Zac from time to time and it would feel almost unbearable to be that close to Taylor and not be with him.

After a while, he fell into some sort of acceptance. They couldn’t be together and this thing wouldn’t go away, so he would have to deal with missing Taylor without being able to do anything about it. It felt fine most times and he would almost forget about it. Days like this, though, where he wanted, he wanted it so badly it almost ached, where he wanted it so much he got angry with himself for being unable to let it go, these days were the most difficult ones.

Zac was proud to say that he resisted these days so far. He didn’t find an excuse to follow Taylor inside the house last time they were at their sister’s birthday party and he smiled at Zac and squeezed his shoulder. He didn’t stay with Taylor on the bus main area after everybody went to their bunks. He didn’t gave up going home and went back to the studio just so they could spend time together.

He had done an amazing job to keep his hands, and his feelings, to himself so far.

As much as it pained Zac to admit it ever, about anything, Taylor was right in the end. They needed a breather, as he well put it in a very early morning in LA. It was becoming too much for both of them. To manage a family, a band and still find ways to hide what they had from everyone was way too ambitious even for them.

It still didn’t stop Zac from missing it, though.

It had been worth the trouble from the beginning. Being with Taylor in that way, more than brothers, more than friends, as close as they could get, had been one of the best experiences in his life. Zac never knew how to explain it rationally. It made no sense even when he tried to find reason in all of it. All he knew was that he never felt that way with anyone else. All he knew was that Taylor was home.

Zac ran a hand through his face and shook his head, trying to get rid of the recent thoughts. It did no good to dwell on them for very long. They did what they had to do and it was for the best. He would always have those precious memories to go back to when the distance was too much to bear.

As if on cue, to bring Zac back to reality, the music stopped and his phone started ringing. On the car’s panel, his wife’s name showed up. Zac checked the time again and got instantly worried. Everyone on his house should be asleep by now, if she was calling that late something was not right. He pressed the button on the panel to answer the call.

“Zac?” Kate’s voice came out of the car speakers, sweet as always. Not an emergency then.

“Hi, honey.” Zac greeted her, a smile forming on his lips, a little relieved. “I’m heading home, is everything alright?”

“Well, we have a minor crisis here.” She sounded a little tired and listening closely Zac could hear a faint crying on the background of the call.

“Crisis?” He couldn’t help but being amused by her choice of words.

“Yeah. Mr. Fluffy isn’t home.” The absurdity of the sentence fitted right in with the type of the conversation you had when you became a parent. And it made total sense to them. Mr. Fluffy was his youngest son’s favorite plushie.

“What do you mean? Did it run away?” He knew Kate wasn’t in the mood for jokes, but he couldn’t help himself.

“Hilarious Zac.” She shut him down quickly. “He bugged me about this toy all day, I turned the house upside down and I didn’t find it. Now he has a stomachache and it’s probably because this thing is gone and if cries a little louder he’s going to wake up Lulu and I’ll finally lose it, Zac.”

She said all of this in one breath and Zac realized he should’ve kept the joke to himself. She went from sweet to murderous in seconds.

“I’m going to get there soon I can take care of him.” He thought these were the right words, but Kate sighed impatiently on the line.

“Are you sure it’s not in your car? I’m sure he had it this morning.” They had brought the kids to the studio earlier that morning to record some tracks for the album. It was great that they were part of this project too. Made it feel even more right.

“Let me check. Just a minute.” Zac looked around, turning to check the backseat, but there was nothing there. Kate took even the car seats when she went to pick up them later. He parked the car on the side of the road and got out to check under the seats.

There was a lot of dirt, food crumbles of things the children ate in the car and even a single shoe that belonged to Junia, but no sign of Mr. Fluffy. He got to the driver seat again and closed the door.

“It’s not here, babe.” He answered, hearing her let out a censured version of a curse.

“What about the studio?” Zac had absolutely no idea. The whole 3CG building was clustered with things their children left behind. “Can you go back there and check?”

He considered the idea for a minute. He was halfway home, and it would be more helpful if he got there and took care of Abe. At the same time, he needed sleep and spending the whole night taking care of a crying toddler wasn’t his ideal plan. If he found the toy and headed home quickly, he could get at least 3 hours before he had to go back.

“I’m going out of my mind here, Zac. Just go and find this toy, please.” Her plead was enough for him to make an illegal U-turn and start heading back on the opposite direction.

She hang up the call with a brief ‘see you soon’ and Zac drove back to the label.

The street looked the same way Zac left 30 minutes before. Dark, cold and empty, except for Taylor’s SUV, still parked on the same spot.

Zac wasn’t entirely surprised that Taylor was still there. He always had worked to the point of exhaustion. He remembered he would always get in fights with their dad when they were very young because he didn’t want to stop rehearsing. He would insist they need to work more, that it didn’t sound right yet, even if Zac felt like his hands would fall off if he played any longer.

That was Taylor. Overly dedicated to his craft.

Zac parked on the same spot he left and stared at the only car next to his. Taylor was still inside and now he had a good, real excuse to go back in. He let out a humorless laugh and let his head rest against the steering wheel. He didn’t expect the night to turn out this way.

Technically, they didn’t have to meet. Zac could go inside, find the toy, take it with him and Taylor would most likely be still by the piano next to soundboard as they left him. He wouldn’t even notice Zac’s presence. He wouldn’t break any unspoken rule that they had between them. He could go in and out and Taylor would be none the wiser.

Convinced it was a good plan, Zac shut off the engine and got out of the car. He jogged up to the door of the building, wanting to avoid the cold as quickly as possible. He used his keys to enter and shut the door behind him. The automatic lights went on as soon as he reached the entrance and since it was a lot warmer inside he hang his jacket and scarf by the door.

Blocking any thought about the person probably on the other side of the glass, Zac made his way straight to adjacent room. They took the kids there so they could rehearse and eventually record the songs with them and he remembered seeing Abe holding Mr. Fluffy while he toddled around the room. There was way too many children there for them to keep an eye in all of them all the time, so he probably dropped it at some point and Zac didn’t see.

The corridors looked a little haunted when nobody was around. All rooms were either dark or had the doors closed and Zac was surprised to see that doors to the rehearsal space were open when he got there.

He got through the double doors that led to the room and noticed that some of the lights were already on. Zac’s body made the connection even before his mind could register. He started to walk more hesitantly, not daring to turn on the main lights. The scene before him was the last thing he expected to find.

Taylor was lying on his back in the middle of the room, in front of the drums. The only source of luminosity were the Christmas lights they hang to decorate the room. The many colors of it reflected on his face, giving him some sort of ethereal look.

‘Turn around.’ Zac thought. ‘Turn around, he didn’t notice you yet, you can still save this.’

Zac kept walking towards Taylor.

The rugs on the floor muffled his steps, but he was sure Taylor had already noticed his presence. They always could feel when the other was there. He didn’t turn to look though. He kept staring at the ceiling, arms resting behind his head, ankles crossed. His whole body posture gave the impression of relaxation and it didn’t change as Zac approached him.

Zac just stopped when the tip of his shoes were only inches away from Taylor. He looked down, seeing that Taylor was staring back at him. He smiled lazily and Zac felt his heart jump on his chest. He loved that smile.

“What are you doing here?” Zac asked, his voice high-pitched. Tale-tell sign of how nervous he was.

“What are you doing here?” Taylor echoed softly and it felt they were having an entire different conversation already.

“Ha.” He shouldn’t feel this awkward. This was Taylor, for God’s sake. There was nothing he didn’t know about Zac, nothing Zac could hide from him. He cleared his throat, trying to ignore the weight of Taylor’s gaze. “I’m trying to find Mr. Fluffy.”

Taylor raised an eyebrow and Zac couldn’t help but laugh at his confusion. He broke their eye contact and looked around the room.

“There.” He raised a hand to point to the toy across the room. Mr. Fluffy was a white bunny plushie and it was resting under a piano bench.

Careful not to touch Taylor, Zac crossed the room and took the toy. He waved it in front of his face, hearing Taylor chuckle and he had to ignore the way his pulse fluttered. He had to leave before he did something stupid.

“Who lost their best friend?” Taylor was still watching him with the same soft look from before and Zac didn’t know how much more he could take. It was as if Taylor was trying to make it difficult for him.

“Abe. He’s making Kate miserable back home so I had to rescue Mr. Fluffy.” He felt weird saying his wife’s name in that moment. Taylor liked Kate just fine and they had no problem in talking about their wives with each other when they were together back then, but it felt weird now. It was as if the mere mention of them could act as some sort of barrier between them.

Zac felt it was for the best anyway.

“Ah.” Taylor chuckled again and it was Zac’s turn to look confused.

“What?” He asked, laughing because Taylor was laughing. Everything was amusing with him.  

“Nothing, it’s just that it’s good to know that Abe not only looks like you, he also acts like you.” Taylor was using his teasing tone and Zac didn’t think he was strong enough for this.

He wanted to get on Taylor’s face and scream ‘stop, you’re killing me!’ Except he didn’t know what else he could do if he got too close to him.

“Ha ha. Very funny.” He could do this. It was not the first time they were alone together after they broke up. It didn’t have to be awkward, they could act as brothers. “I’m gonna take this as a compliment.”

“To whom?” Zac flipped Taylor off, but he was still smiling. His face was stuck on this expression since he got there. His cheeks were actually starting to hurt.

They kept staring at each other, Taylor still lying on his back, lazy smile still on his lips while Zac stood awkwardly by his feet, holding a toy rabbit. He shuffled in place, his eyes darting around, before settling on Taylor again.

“I should probably go. There’s someone waiting for this guy here.” He said, waving the toy in front of him again to show what he was talking about. He was proud of himself for being able to say this without shaking too much. His voice was still high-pitched though.

Zac waited for Taylor to say something, maybe not so secretly hoping he would stop him, but after the silence started to feel uncomfortable, he began to make his way to the door.

“Stay.” He was two steps away from leaving when he heard the faint plead. It had been so soft he almost thought he imagined it. Wishful thinking. He didn’t move, just stood there, frozen. Taylor said it again, louder this time, probably thinking Zac didn’t hear him. “Please.” He added.

Zac turned around slowly and his eyes met Taylor’s gaze. He still looked relaxed, but now there was an intensity in his eyes. Zac felt warm all over. Without saying a word, he moved back into the room, placed the bunny on the top of a keyboard, and lowered himself to the floor, lying by Taylor’s left side.

They were both now on their backs and Zac didn’t dare to look. He knew Taylor was looking at him, but he wasn’t ready to reciprocate it. He kept staring at the ceiling, the Christmas lights twinkling on his peripheral vision.

“You still haven’t told me what you are doing here lying on the floor, in the dark.” Zac dared to break the silence. His hands were shaking slightly by his sides. Taylor sighed and he felt his breath against the side of his face. They were too close.

“I was… thinking.” He sounded tired. It wasn’t the kind of tired that came from an intense day of work, but some sort of deeper exhaustion. Something that had less to do with his body and more with his mind. Zac wanted to reach out for him. He clenched his hands and kept his eyes trained to the ceiling.

“Did you and Nat fight?” Zac knew that sometimes Taylor would hide on the label when things weren’t well at home.

“No, we’re fine.” Taylor paused, as if he was thinking about a way to voice his thoughts. Zac waited, still looking up.

Taylor turned back to stared back up and Zac felt it was safe to his glance at him. His profile was gorgeous even in the dark. His strong jaw and the curve of his nose were the clearest shapes in the low light, but they were enough to capture Zac.

“I was just thinking about life in general.” Taylor said after a moment. There was a brief pause again, as Zac considered if he should push on the subject or not.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked softly after a moment and watched as Taylor’s lips formed the faintest smile.  

“I guess this whole Christmas album thing is making me a little nostalgic...” He trailed off, apparently rearranging his thoughts again. Zac didn’t mind the silences. He hadn’t felt this comfortable alone with Taylor in a while.

In the last four years, he had been always hyperaware of their every move when they found themselves with no one else around, but now he felt almost serene lying on the hard floor of their label, with Christmas decorations all around them and the dull sound of Taylor breathing next to him.

“Ezra is gonna be fifteen next year. Fifteen! I mean- can you believe it?” Taylor blurted out after a while and Zac laughed.

“You’re getting old, Tay.” He replied fondly, still watching Taylor’s face. The corner of his eyes crinkled as he smiled at Zac’s remark.

“And you’re still a little shit.” He answered, but there was no bite in it. “I guess I’m getting old. It doesn’t seem that long, though. It feels like it was yesterday when I held him for the first time. I was so happy…”

“I remember.” Zac said automatically before he realized what his answer could imply. He felt his face growing hot and didn’t dare to check Taylor’s reaction. Zac’s mind flooded with images of the first time they really crossed the line into something sexual, the night after Ezra was born. Thinking back, they should’ve probably worked on a better timing.

If Taylor thought of anything related to that night, he didn’t say. Zac purposefully avoided his face, afraid of what he might see there. They remained silent for a while and Zac thought Taylor would probably suggest for them to leave. Four years and he still wasn’t sure if they could talk about what they had. They never did and Zac never dared to try, but he could feel they got too close to crossing a line with his comment.  

Taylor didn’t make any mention to get up, though. He shift in place, changing the arm under his head, but otherwise didn’t move. Zac risked looked at him from the corner of his eye, trying to check if his face betrayed anything, and got nothing. It was too dark to make up micro expressions anyway. 

“A 15 year old kid, 25 years making music… it’s a lot.” Taylor continued, as if Zac hadn’t said anything.

“Well, you started doing both of those things very early in life.” Zac quipped, still trying to recover from his slip and Taylor smirked.

“Yeah, but it’s a lifetime anyway. Especially when you think about how old we were when we started with music. We’ve been doing this for almost our entire lives. It’s not a small thing.” He spoke passionately, as he always did when he talked about the things he cared about and Zac listened. He always listened to what Taylor had to say.

“Is that what you were thinking about when I got here?” The question came out almost as whisper and Zac didn’t intent the words to sound so intimate, but there was something that, even though he couldn’t name yet, he didn’t want to disturb between them.

“Among other things. I was thinking about how lucky I am that I get to do the thing I love most in the world, with the people I love, about how everything we went through got us here and even with all difficulties we faced, I’m fairly happy.” The words poured out of Taylor, but he somehow manage to mimic the same soft tone Zac had spoken with before, keeping them inside their bubble.

“I’m happy too.” Zac said and he felt it was somewhat true. He had a healthy, happy family, a fulfilling job in which he was successful and he got to share it with two of the most important people in his life. He ignored the nagging voice on the back of his head saying that there was just one thing missing and accept this happiness. It was enough.

Taylor turned his head briefly to grin at him and moved to bump their shoulders. Zac couldn’t help but grin back at him, thrilled by the moment they were sharing. He didn’t know when they would lower their guards like this again, so he decided he might as well enjoy it.

Taylor moved back, but the grin didn’t disappear from his face. Zac gave up on his attempts at not staring at him and turned fully on his side, his hand supporting his head up. The floor wasn’t exactly comfortable, but the rugs under them minimized the discomfort.

“I didn’t think we would make it here.” Taylor spoke as if he was continuing a thought out loud and his expression turned pensive again. “On those days we stopped talking. I never thought I would spend a day not talking to you two, so after that everything was possible.”

Zac didn’t like to remember those days. They were too painful to even think about them. From what he could see of Taylor’s face, he didn’t seem to recall them fondly, either. His brows were furrowed and his lips pursed as he went back to the unpleasant memory.

“Those were some of the worst days of my life.” Zac’s throat felt tight as he said. Four years and it was still hard to talk about it. Not that they ever talked of those days. They got back together and discussed all the crap they had to work out in order to make the band work and went back to business. They worked most of the crap out, so no need to discuss the subject any further.

Zac lowered his head and let it rest on the crook of his elbow. He knew talking about this with Taylor also meant talking about how it felt when they broke up. Zac had never felt so much misery in such short amount of time.

Kate got worried because he almost didn’t talk at home, except to answer the children, but he couldn’t talk. He had no words to describe how awful he felt and at the same time any other subject sounded dull next to his pain. So, yes, ‘some of the worst days of his life’ summed up it pretty accurately.

“Mine too.” Taylor murmured, still sounding distant. “I thought it was all over, like, there wasn’t even a chance that we would make this work again. I didn’t even know if I wanted to make this work again, to be honest.”

Zac was surprised with Taylor’s bluntness, but at the same time, he couldn’t say he didn’t think the same thing. Everything got so heavy with the weight of twenty years behind them, that it felt pointless to keep going. They’ve had done everything at least twice by that point. When he added the fact that he felt truly heartbroken after Taylor ended what they had, there wasn’t much motivation to keep going.

“I just couldn’t think of what was the point for us to keep insisting on this. We didn’t care enough anymore. Everything felt so mechanic, like we were making an album for the sake of it, but at the same time I didn’t know what was supposed to be without this band.” Taylor kept talking, his voice soft, but Zac could hear the raw pain that he kept inside for too long seeping through his words.

“I mean, that’s all we’ve done for our whole lives. It’s all I’m really good at. I felt so… empty back then. I remember when we got back from LA, I couldn’t explain to Nat what happened. I tried, but I couldn’t say anything that made sense, because it didn’t make any sense to me. I mean, rationally I could understand it, but it didn’t make sense.”

 Zac didn’t even think about the act itself as he reach out for Taylor’s wrist, closing his hand around it. He couldn’t find words to say he understood, that he felt it too. He remembered spending those days trying to imagine what would his life would be if they couldn’t work things out and came up with nothing. It was an unsettling conclusion to realize that that was it for them. Music was all they had. There was no plan b.

Taylor turned his head to look at him and there was some sort of gratitude in his eyes. He moved his wrist until he could wrap his fingers around Zac’s, squeezing his hand briefly. They never lost the ability to understand each other without words.

“I didn’t speak about it.” Zac said, his eyes still on Taylor’s as he spoke. “Some days I wouldn’t say a word about anything, but mostly I couldn’t talk about this. I thought it would be real, if I talked about it with someone else. I don’t think Kate knows to this day what really happened back them. I’m sure Nat explained the situation to her, but she never heard a word from me. I couldn’t talk to her. I just- I couldn’t.”

Zac didn’t add that the only person he wanted to talk with, wasn’t talking to him at all. The old wound of missing Taylor ached as it did back then and he held Taylor’s hand more firmly. He knew he should’ve let go by now, but it was the first touch they shared in years that wasn’t meant sole in a fraternal way. It felt like comfort between two people who knew each other intimately.

Zac didn’t want to think that Taylor was trying to make a move on him with it, it was just that it was inevitable to fall in older patterns once you crossed the lines they did. Besides, Zac didn’t actually believe Taylor had any intention to make a move on him after all that time. He had plenty of chance during these four years to try and he never did.     

Taylor stroke a thumb over the back of his hand, the movement made to sooth, and he knew Taylor understood what he wasn’t saying. He knew that they shared the feeling that there was certain things they couldn’t share with anyone else, that other people wouldn’t understand. Taylor turned on his side completely too, letting go of his hand to mimicking Zac’s pose on the floor, and their bodies were facing each other now.

They stayed there in silence, just staring at each other for a while. In the darkness of the room, Zac could see Taylor’s chest rise and fall, his breathing calm and his face serene. Even after discussing such a heavy subject, he seemed to be in peace. Then, to Zac’s astonishment, he lift his free hand and stroke his knuckles on Zac’s cheek affectionately.

The contact came as such as surprise it felt more like a punch to his solar plexus instead of a caress, knocking the air out of Zac’s lungs.

It had been so long since he felt that touch that it didn’t seem real. He watched it happen in slow motion inside his head. The air changed around them and Taylor’s face morphed into pure affection, the emotion taking his whole expression as he raised his hand and laid it with such care against his skin.

Zac was instantly overcome with the want to move his head and kiss his wrist, his palm, each of his fingers, feel the warmth of them on his lips, muscle memory taking over his senses, but he didn’t dare to blink. If this was a dream, he didn’t want to do something that would cause him to wake up.

Zac also wanted to ask ‘why now?’, ‘why today of all days?’ these questions burning inside his head. For four years Taylor acted as if he had moved on, that whatever had happened between them was in the past and that he was ok with it.

“Tay?” Zac breathed the word and there was a mix of surprise and awe on his voice. He was utterly confused by what was happening. They were having their first frank conversation in years, but he wasn’t expecting this. He didn’t dare to hope for this.

Taylor was extremely clear on their boundaries over the years. They didn’t mention what they had, they didn’t touch in any way that couldn’t pass as brotherly affection. It wasn’t an spoken agreement, but they just knew. Not once before he gave a hint that maybe he still wanted it too, but there he was, caressing Zac’s face as if he was the most precious thing in the word.

“I was thinking about us too, you know?” Taylor said and it sounded like a confession. Zac let out a breathless laughter, the whole impossibility of the situation hitting him. Every single wall he built over the years they spent apart crumbled down in the mere seconds it took for Taylor’s hand make contact with his face. Zac felt light, he felt free.

Taylor cupped his cheek, his thumb grazing his stubble-covered jaw as he moved his hand until he had a hold of the back of his neck, his fingers grasping lightly at it. He smiled softly and Zac answered with a twin smile, his whole body moving at its own accord in the moment. Not even his confusion could win over the happiness of having Taylor this close again.

“What were you thinking about?” Zac asked in a whisper, afraid that anything louder than that would break the spell between them. He didn’t want the answer. He wanted to close the space between them and claim Taylor’s lips with his own, but he had to keep Taylor talking before he changed his mind and left.

“I was thinking about how breaking up with you was one of the hardest decisions I ever made in my life.” Zac was once again unprepared and the pain of the statement hit him hard.

He closed his eyes and muttered Taylor’s name, his voice full of anguish that bled through before he could control it. Taylor stroke his nape, trying to comfort him, but the sorrow irradiating on Zac’s chest was beyond soothing. The wound felt freshly open and it ached everywhere.

“I’m so sorry, Zac.” Taylor sounded as broken as Zac felt. He sounded sincere, too. “That night in LA… I still don’t know if it was my bravest moment or my biggest display of cowardice. Sometimes I think I should’ve tried harder, but I couldn’t- it was ruining us, the way things were going. I was afraid that if we insisted, if I insisted on it, it would pull us apart for good. I had to decide if I wanted you as a lover or if I wanted you at all in my life and as much as it pained me, Zac, I’d rather have you as a brother than not having you at all.”

Neither of them were crying, but it was too damn close. Zac heard all of this with his eyes shut tightly, not trusting himself in looking into Taylor’s eye and seeing his own pain reflected there. During those years, he took some consolation on the fact that at least one of them wasn’t suffering as much, but knowing their separation was just as hard for Taylor made his pain even greater.

 Zac grasped the hand Taylor still rested on his neck and gave it a squeeze, unable to find words to express the tornado inside him. He wanted to tell Taylor that there was no need to apologize, that he had done the right thing and that they needed to take a step back or it would’ve ended tragically. He wanted to tell Taylor that it was one of his hardest decisions too and that it took everything he had not to go back begging, that only his pride held him back.

“I felt so… numb.” Zac almost didn’t recognize his own voice, hoarse from holding back words and tears. Taylor intertwined their fingers and brought them to his chest. “Right after I left the room. I remember feeling nothing. I didn’t feel pain or sadness or anything. Just numb. For a few weeks, it truly felt as if I wouldn’t be able to feel anything ever again. Kate thought I was sick, she was so worried and I didn’t know how to explain it to her.”

He paused to catch his breath and finally allowed himself to look at Taylor. His expression oscillated between fondness of watching Zac, and grief at hearing his account of what happened, making his face seem stuck on a grimace. Zac never wanted to kiss him more.

“It got better after a while.” He continued as some sort of reassurance to Taylor and he watched him relax a little. “But it wasn’t easy for me either. I just got used to the situation and decided that I should move on. Not that I was exactly successful at it, but…”

He chuckled and Taylor laughed with him, their hands vibrating against his chest, and with that, the mood was lighter again. Taylor smiled at him and Zac felt as if he could breathe normally again, their chest rising and falling in sync. They fell silent and Zac was content in just watch the reflection of the Christmas lights dancing on Taylor’s blue eyes.

“How did you do it? Back then… back when Ezra was born.” Taylor eventually spoke and Zac raised a confused eyebrow. “You told me we should stop seeing each other and you seemed so ok with everything.”

“I’m a great actor, I guess.” Zac laughed. “I was far from ok, believe me, but I also did what I had to do.  Besides, it wasn’t the same thing, we were together for weeks, not years. And I felt so incredibly guilty about the whole thing…”

“Guilty?” Taylor asked with curiosity. Zac then realized he never explained to Taylor why he broke things off all those years ago. It was incredible how much was still left unsaid between them.

“Yes. I don’t know about you, but I felt like shit. We were fooling around with your wife right there, on the same house. And your baby! You know how much I love Ezra and it felt so unfair to do this to him, ruin his home. I just felt awful and guilty and I couldn’t keep doing that.”

“I thought you had just got tired of me. I thought the novelty of it had worn off.” Taylor looked pensive again as he stroke a thumb over Zac’s knuckles, their hands still tangled together. “Turns out you didn’t want to be a homewrecker. Zac Hanson, The Homewrecker. Sounds cute.”

Zac let out a sound in outrage and used the hand close to Taylor to push him lightly. Taylor laughed heartily, throwing his head back, but still didn’t let go of him.

“It’s not funny! It’s serious, Tay! I felt like a horrible person for a long time. I thought I was broken or something.” This made Taylor finally stop and focus his attention back on Zac, all the amusement being replace by soberness.  

“You’re not broken.” Taylor said with his voice firm, but Zac shook his head.

“I don’t- I’m good now. For a while, though, I felt like a freak for wanting you the way I did. I thought I was this aberration that desired his own brother.” Zac averted his eyes, unsure he could face Taylor as he talked about this.

“At first I thought I was just confused by the hormones and, you know, you looked a lot like girl, no offense, so I guessed my teen brain couldn’t make the difference and that it would pass. Except it didn’t and- I prayed a lot. I prayed to God, I prayed to every saint I knew hoping they would rid me of these feelings, but they wouldn’t go away.”

Taylor made a mention to interrupt, probably to reassure him, but Zac continued.

“And it got worse because it wasn’t just about sexual desire anymore. I don’t think it ever was. I was in love with my own brother. I feel in love with you, Tay.” And this he said looking into Taylor’s eyes, because he wanted him to know that he meant it. “And it just couldn’t be! Who falls in love with a sibling? Freaks, that’s for sure. So I prayed every night that I would wake up and I would have forgotten you. But every day I would wake up and there you were and you would look like a miracle, and I gave up praying. I accepted my place in Hell and I decided that if you had the courage to love me, I sure could love you too.”

Zac, of course, was referring to the night they slept together the first time, right before his wedding. Until that day he wasn’t completed sure about Taylor’s feelings for him. Maybe it was him trying not to raise his expectations, maybe it was their fail to communicate, but before that night he thought he didn’t meant as much to Taylor as Taylor did to him.

It was among one of the reasons that made him push Taylor away the first time too. His guilt for doing this behind Nat’s back, along with how he thought them together was just about sex and maybe a way for Taylor to escape his obligations to his family were enough for Zac to convince himself it wasn’t worth it and to break things off between them.

Taylor’s behavior afterwards only corroborated his theory, since he soon became the party boy, going out every night and coming home drunk and high. It wasn’t one of his most flattering moments, but it only served for Zac to see that he was right, the he was in fact acting out and trying to recover some kind of youth freedom he never really had. Zac felt he was just another pastime for him and he was able to let it go for a while.

Then, years after, when he had put almost all these ideas out of his head, Zac found Taylor back on his bed. He didn’t plan on it, but it happened and he was right there, one night before his wedding, and Zac realized it could be his last chance of having him so he decided to throw caution to the wind and kissed him. He didn’t know where he was going with that kiss, only that he needed Taylor one last time, even if it meant absolutely nothing to him.

He didn’t imagine it would progress the way it did and they would end up naked, tangled on the sheets, with Taylor under the assumption that he was doing it only to gain experience for his first night with Kate. Zac couldn’t say to him that Kate was the last person on his mind. His body was already vulnerable, he wouldn’t dare to expose his heart too.

Taylor said the sweetest things, though, and touched him with uttermost care, making Zac feel desired and loved, and incredibly confused. He went on anyway and accepted anything Taylor was willing to give, accepted all his promised to make love to him, because the next day it all would be over. Zac had the permission to touch and taste Taylor in ways he never imagined he would ever be able to. It was heaven. He didn’t need eternal salvation, he was already saved.

And then Taylor said he loved him. All three words, without leaving space for doubt. Zac was looking right into his eyes when he said it and he knew it wasn’t a lie, that it wasn’t just something said in the heat of the moment. It was real. Taylor loved him.

Zac gave up any attempt of resisting his feelings on that night. Taylor loved him back and it was all that he needed. There was no guilty, no eternal damnation, no impending wedding, nothing that would stop him from being with Taylor. There was only one person could stop Zac and this person was Taylor himself, and when he told Zac he should step back, he did.

But they were together now, lying on the hard, cold floor of their label building and all Zac could see was hope on the face in front of him. And love.

“When you told me you loved me the first time, that night before my wedding- God, Tay… do you have any idea of what it meant to me?” Taylor shook his head and Zac laughed. “Of course you don’t, you’re so dumb. Ow, don’t pinch me, asshole! It meant the world to me. I felt like freak, but it didn’t matter anymore.”

When Zac paused again, they stayed in silence, watching each other’s faces. Their hands were still clasped together, neither of them wanted to let go. Zac took his time to look more closely at the man lying in front of him. Even in the low light of the room, they were undeniable brothers.

Sure, Taylor’s eyes were blue, but they shared the same shape as Zac’s brown ones. Taylor’s blond hair was just as full as Zac’s long, brown mane. They had similar facial bone structure, from the dip from their cheekbones, to the sharp lines of their jaws. It was impossible for anyone to say that they weren’t at least from the same family.

Zac couldn’t help but muse on how well the fit together, though. How Taylor’s thin lips felt so right under his plump mouth or how their fingers, so similar in shape and size intertwined like they belonged together. When they were close, under the sheets, their bodies felt like they were made to complete each other. Somehow, their similarities were the thing that would bring them closer together.

“I’m sorry you felt this way. I’m sorry you felt like a freak.” Taylor said apologetically, breaking the silence, and Zac dismissed it shaking his head. It really didn’t matter now.

The arm under his head was starting to cramp, so he moved and lied on his back and Taylor did the same, finally letting go of his left hand, just to get a hold of his right one, not wanting to lose the connection. Zac felt grateful for it, and squeezed the fingers between his.

“If it’s any comfort” Taylor started again, staring at the ceiling, “it wasn’t easy for me either. I thought about seeking professional help. I didn’t think I was exactly crazy, but I couldn’t make sense of what I felt for you. Then I realized there was no way I could talk about it with anyone.”

“They would’ve you committed in a second, man.” Zac said, only half-joking. Sometimes he thought he was crazy himself.

“I know. I couldn’t explain it to myself, let alone to other people. I just knew it was real and it wasn’t going away so I just accepted it after some time. Accepted that I love you.” And this last part he said looking into Zac’s eyes and Zac couldn’t remember the last time he felt so elated.

It should be impossible for them to love each other the way they did. There wasn’t a single odd in favor of this and yet here they were, just as in love as they ever been. Zac laughed because it was ridiculous and because he was so happy he could float and the joy kept bursting out of him without control, and Taylor smiled too because there was always symbioses with them and if Zac felt then he felt it too.  

“What?” He asked, the corner of his eyes crinkling as his face shaped into a grin. Taylor had aged beautifully, Zac thought. His boyish, angelic look of his teen years, went little by little giving place to traces of maturity, with lines around his eyes and a tiredness that never seemed to wear off his face these days, but they matched exactly the man he became. He never been more beautiful to Zac.

“We’re so fucked up in the head, dude.” He said, his whole body shaking with laughter. “Like, so fucked up it’s kind of hilarious.”

Zac kept laughing because it would get funnier every time he thought about it. Taylor shook his head at his brother’s silliness, but he was still smiling. Silence surrounded them again, but it was a comfortable one. Two people content to be in each other’s presence.

They both had turned on their backs, lying facing the ceiling as they started. Zac wanted desperately to reach out and touch Taylor. Any part of him. His hand, his arm, his face, lay on his chest, fist his hair, kiss those damn lips. Absolutely anything.

He couldn’t find a good excuse though. They seemed to be in good terms, having finally discussed some of what happened between them through all those years, but Zac wasn’t sure where they stood now. Nothing they said meant they were back on their old status. At least not the one that would allow Zac to do all those things he was longing so badly.

He did what he always did then, waited for Taylor to set the rules. It was their _modus operandi_ , Zac would do something bold, like ask for a kiss or say the words Taylor wouldn’t dare to say, and then Taylor would tell them both how would they go from there. Zac already did his bold move tonight. He stayed. He started the conversation. He reached out for Taylor’s wrist. The ball was on Taylor’s court now. He was the one who had to determine what they should do now.

“Can I-” Taylor started hesitantly and Zac made a sound to let him know he was listening. “Can I ask you a question?”

“You already asked one, but you can ask another.” Zac could feel Taylor rolling his eyes at his smartass remark and grinned.

“It’s impossible to have a serious conversation with you.” Taylor retorted and Zac nudged him on the shin with his foot as to indicate he should continue.

“Do you think- have you ever felt that, I don’t know, have you ever felt like I forced you?”

Zac didn’t understand the question at first. His face scrunched up in confusion as he tried to make sense of the words. What did he mean by ‘forced’? He surely didn’t mean… Zac lifted himself on his elbows and turned to look at Taylor.

“Are you asking me if I think you molested me?” He couldn’t be serious. The entire idea was ludicrous and Zac couldn’t think where could he possibly gotten this impression.

“Yeah, I mean- molested isn’t the exact word, but maybe was, I don’t know- influenced by me?” There was some sort of anguish on Taylor’s tone, as if he was voicing something that plagued him for years.

“Influ- Jesus, Tay. Do you really believe what you’re saying?” Zac was incredulous, but also hurting for him. If this was something Taylor thought, he probably felt really guilty. It was a lot for someone to carry.

Taylor shrugged, trying to pass as nonchalant, but ending up in a defeated hunch of shoulders. He covered his face with his hands, letting out a distressed noise and Zac reached out for him instinctually, not fighting the need to comfort him. He laid a hand over Taylor’s, removing it from his face.

“Tay, hey, Tay, look at me.” He pleaded and Taylor shook his head stubbornly, turning to face the other side. “Fuck, Taylor, you didn’t ‘influence’ me to do anything, ok? I wanted it, I’ve always wanted it.”

“I am your big brother, Zac. I was supposed to protect you from things like this, not to be the one doing the things.” Taylor said angrily and Zac knew he was angry with himself. He didn’t let go of the hand on his, squeezing it harder.

“Doing what things? Consensually kissing someone two years younger than you? First time we kissed, we were both on our teens, Tay. There was no forcing, no influencing, ok?” Taylor finally turned to Zac, still looking unsure. “How long have you felt this way?”

“From day one, I think.” Taylor sounded almost relieved to finally be saying this. “I know you’re not that younger than me, but you’re my little brother. I thought I should be the responsible one, that I was the one who had the power to stop this from happening, that maybe you responded to me. Did this to please me.”

“When did I ever done something sole to please you? Please, illustrate with examples.” This made some of the anguish on Taylor’s face fade and Zac was almost satisfied. He lived for his smiles.

“You know what I mean, jackass. So, yeah. I’ve always felt guilty about this. I felt I didn’t give you the chance not to be a freak. Didn’t give you a choice.” Zac wondered how someone so smart could be so stupid sometimes.

“I don’t know how you can’t see this but there was never a choice, Tay.” He replied softly, seeking Taylor’s eyes. They gazed at each other for a whole minute before Taylor’s eyes darted to his lips and Zac knew he had done it.

“I really want to kiss you right now.” Taylor muttered, his eyes dancing between Zac’s mouth and his brown eyes, looking for consent.

“I really want you to kiss me right now.” Zac replied, lowering himself over Taylor and finally, finally, their lips touched.

It was chaste, their mouths pressing against one another, but after four years without anything, this felt like heaven. Zac pushed his fingers on Taylor’s greasy hair, closing them in a fist, while his lips parted slightly, allowing Taylor to capture his bottom lips between his own. He sucked on it first, moving to kiss his top lip and finished with a noisy peck that made Zac giggle. Yes, giggle.

“Fuck.” Zac whispered, feeling breathless even though the kiss took almost no exertion from either of them.

“Not right now, but we can negotiate that for later.” It was Taylor’s turn to be a smartass but Zac didn’t mind. There was a promise of fucking him somewhere in there, so he wouldn’t argue.

Zac draped the upper half of his body completed over Taylor’s chest, adjusting so he could fit the top of his head under his chin and hugged his torso. Taylor wrapped his arms around him, bringing him closer. Zac missed Taylor holding him like this so much he felt like crying a little bit.

From the corner of his eye, he could see the plushie bunny he placed on the top of the piano being his constant reminder that he should probably be heading home soon. Zac closed his eyes and breathed Taylor in. He was in Taylor’s arms, right where he belonged. He wouldn’t ruin this thinking about real life right now.

“You said it was never a choice…” Taylor said as he was continuing a conversation that was never interrupted. Zac’s lips were still moist from Taylor’s saliva. “Do you remember the first time you felt this was something different? Like, the first memory you have of not feeling very brotherly to me.”

Zac considered the question for a minute. When he thought back, he could point out various moments through his childhood with Taylor that had a completely different meaning now that he knew what he felt. When they were both very young, his mom said he would follow Taylor everywhere like shadow. Always on his heels, copying everything he did. It was his hero worship phase, she said.

When they got a little older and met other children, he started doing everything he could to get Taylor’s attention. Including picking fights with him or annoying him on purpose. Zac remembered wanting Taylor’s undivided attention all the time.

If he had to pick one moment, though, one moment where not only was different, but he realized it meant something else entirely, it had to be something that happened when he was around 10 and already some of his pre-teen hormones working on him.

“I do. I actually do remember it.” Zac replied slowly, working the memory inside his head. He smiled involuntarily because the recollection filled his body with happiness almost automatically.

“Tell me.” He felt Taylor’s soft request on the top of his head, where his lips rested, and he nodded.

“We were recording our first album. I was 10, I think. Maybe 11. I’m not sure. It’s gonna sound silly because it wasn’t something uncommon, it was something that always happened, but that day it felt different somehow… I was recording something and I just couldn’t get the pitch right. Like I said, nothing out of the ordinary back then. And everyone was frustrated. I could tell you were too, we’ve been there a long time, everyone wanted to go home. I could see the producer shooting daggers from his eyes through the booth’s glass and I was feeling terrible.”

Taylor let out a noncommittal noise to indicate he was listen and Zac could feel the vibrations of his chest against his face as he continued.

“Even as frustrated as you were, you kept explaining to me what I was doing wrong and trying to help me to get it right. You always did that. But I was frustrated too, and sad. I thought I was disappointing everyone and I told you I didn’t want to do it anymore.” Zac remembered feeling like crying, except he never cried in front of anyone. He wanted to go home, he wanted to hide in his room and never come out again.

“I remember this.” Taylor muttered. “I was so angry with you. Not because you were doing it wrong, but because I knew you could do it, but you were getting flustered and you didn’t want to try again and I hated seeing you doubt yourself.”

“Yeah, but that’s the whole thing. You took me on the corridor and you spoke to me. The way you spoke to me… I can’t explain it. I don’t why it felt different, you never yelled at me for getting something wrong, but that day it meant something else. You were so calm and you told me that if I didn’t want to do it, then we’d go home, but you believed that I could do it and that I should try again.”

Zac paused, lost in his own memory for a second. It was as if, somehow, he could still feel it to this day.

“That was it then? The way I spoke to you?” Taylor knew he wasn’t telling the whole story, because he knew Zac too well.

“No, there was more.” Zac felt bashful for a moment. It was weird to expose his feelings this way, even if they were old ones. When he talked about it like this, they felt fresh somehow. Taylor, apparently sensing his discomfort, kissed his temple as if saying that it was ok. He was safe there.

“I wasn’t looking at you. I was looking at my shoes, feeling awful that I need a pep talk.” Zac continued. “And maybe you thought I wasn’t listening, I don’t know, maybe you were just pissed, but-”

“I held your face.” Taylor completed his thought, also remembering what happened that day, and he nodded. “Oh, Zac…”

“You held my face, yes. It wasn’t like, a hard hold, you just put your hands on my cheeks and made me look at you. I remember being overwhelmed with a feeling I didn’t understand. I tingled all over when you touched my cheeks. I felt the goddamned butterflies, Tay.”

Zac remembered being young, his mind working like a child’s mind still, and experiencing that new burst of feeling that took his body from head to toe, the new emotion coiling on the pit of his stomach, his skin prickling, something thrilling and scary taking over him at the same time. It wasn’t arousal exactly, but was something close to it.

 “I instantly knew it wasn’t right, though.” He wanted to run away from the feeling the moment he felt it. “I didn’t know what those feelings meant, but I knew I shouldn’t be feeling them.”

“That was the reason you ran back to the booth?” Taylor seemed truly interested in the story. Maybe he had wondered about it all those years. “I’ve never seen you get something right so fast. I thought it was my pep talk.”

“Oh, no. I just wanted to get out of there as soon as I could.” Zac felt embarrassed even if he didn’t understand what about it was shameful. “At the same time I discovered that I couldn’t wait to feel it again. I started to find the dumbest excuses to make you touch me. I knew I couldn’t ask for it, so I would wrestle you, hit you, or miss stuff on piano on purpose on the off chance you would try to correct my hand placement.”

“Or climbing on my bunk in the middle of the night claiming you missed mom?” Taylor couldn’t hide the amusement from his voice and Zac buried his face on his chest, trying to hide his reddening cheeks. “Yeah, don’t think I didn’t notice.”

“Jesus… I thought you didn’t remember this one.” He sounded mortified. “I spent that day itching for an excuse. We’ve been so busy, you only talked to me about work. I invited you to play video games with me and you said no. I was out of ideas.”

Zac spent most of his childhood seeking Taylor’s attention, but craving his touch was a whole new experience for his prepubescent body. He could still remember the thrill of having Taylor’s body close to his.

“So you decided to climb there on a whim?” Taylor seemed to be loving the idea of having Zac so desperate he had to take drastic measures.

“Well, I didn’t expect you to wake up.” Zac’s lame excuse made they both laugh. “In my defense, I thought my plan was great. I would lay there with you for a few minutes, then I’d go back to my bunk and you would never know. I forgot you are a light sleeper.”

“But I caught you so you had to make up a lie on the spot.” Zac nodded. “It was a good one, actually.”

“And it had the desired effect. I was so embarrassed, God… and you thought I was upset with something. I was just scared shitless you’d find out about my ulterior motives.” He remembered the concern on Taylor’s eyes and his readiness to comfort him. It wouldn’t have worked so well had he planned it. “It was the first time we slept like this. Holding each other. It was better than when I tricked mom to let me see the presents before Christmas.”

“So you’re saying that sleeping with me is better than Christmas arriving early?” Taylor’s tone was playful, but Zac still felt a chill running through his spine. He almost forgot the thrill that were having him this close.

“Way better.” He turned his head to face Taylor, slipping one hand under both his shirt and under-shirt so he could touch his skin and lifted his chin so he could meet Taylor’s mouth halfway.

This kiss was a little more heated. Taylor kissed him open-mouthed, sucking on his tongue and Zac responded just as eagerly. He could feel the beard Taylor liked to grow when they weren’t on tour harshly rasping against his sensitive skin. The hand he had on Taylor’s belly kept tracing circular movements, in a sensual rhythm that matched their kiss.

Taylor quickly undid the bun Zac had on the back of his head, letting his hair fall back so he could have a better grip on it. There was a reason Zac kept his hair long and it may involve Taylor loving to pull on it.

The rhythm of their kiss slowed gradually. They ended trading soft, chaste kisses, Taylor moving to press his mouth against the corner of Zac’s mouth, his jaw, his eyes and then his nose, making Zac smile and playfully bite his chin.

He then moved to his former position, without removing his hand from under Taylor’s clothes. His skin was warm and soft under his hand and it felt comfortable to keep it there.

“You should tell me the first time you felt different too.” Zac suggested, nuzzling Taylor’s chest.

“Well, it wasn’t as early as you did.” Taylor started and he still had his fingers tangled on Zac’s hair, carding them softly through the strands. “Even though you were always my favorite. I knew I shouldn’t play favorites with so many siblings, but until Avery was born I could say that you were my favorite little brother, Jess was my favorite little sister and Ike was my favorite big brother, since I only had one of each.”

“Smart.” Zac conceded.

“Yeah, but I didn’t feel this predilection meant anything. I just thought we had a different connection and it was normal because we were the closest in age. I didn’t notice anything different until I was 16.”

“Wow, so I was the perverted one.” Zac was basically a pent up ball of sexual frustration by that time. When he was 14, he was already very aware that his attraction to Taylor had nothing fraternal about it. “And you were worried about molesting me. If someone influenced anyone here was me.”

“Yeah, but you were younger than me. It took me a while before I stopped seeing you as a child, as my kid brother. When you hit fourteen, though…” Zac could actually feel Taylor shiver against him. “You do know you were a very attractive teenager, right?”

“Being very attractive was always one of my specialties.” He joked and Taylor pulled lightly on his hair.

“Modest too. But yeah… very attractive. One minute you were that annoying child shadowing me wherever I went, the next you were this teen that was on his way to be a young man. Broad shoulders, a jaw that looked sculpted and those damn red lips…”

“Don’t forget the ass.” Zac added making Taylor laugh.

“I couldn’t never forget your ass, believe me.” He had waxed poetic about Zac’s backside in many of his dirt talks before. “You were the extreme opposite of what I was at fourteen. While I looked almost feminine, you were all man. You looked like-”

“A Greek god? You can say it, I don’t mind. Own, stop pinching me, you fucker!”

“Stop being an asshole and let me talk then. I’m trying to pay you a compliment here, so shut the fuck up for a minute.” Taylor had to know it was impossible, but Zac zipped his lips and resumed his position against him. “Thank you. So, yes, my dick was very confused about all of this.”

“It flattens me very much to have an effect on your dick from such an early age.” Zac said in a formal voice and Taylor shook his head in a way that said that he was helpless.

“What I mean is that I was aware of an attraction, but I didn’t duel on it much, for obvious reasons.” He continued, ignoring Zac’s interruption. “You were my brother, every time I thought something inappropriate I would shut down immediately before I could give it a second thought. So, I don’t have a specific moment where it downed on me.”

Zac was a little disappointed. Taylor admitted that he thought about him, but Zac had been out of his mind about him way before. Maybe he was really the one who did the influencing.

“So you didn’t really feel anything until our first kiss?” He asked, but couldn’t keep the hurt from his voice.

“No, Zac… you’re getting it all backwards.” Taylor moved Zac until he could press a soft kiss against his lips. He cupped Zac’s face and stared into his eyes when they broke apart. “I didn’t let myself feel it. Because I couldn’t. Because I felt guilty as fuck. That night when we first kissed I felt like I ruined you, that I shouldn’t have given in.”

“You didn’t ruin me, I wanted it so bad, I pushed you until you gave in. If there’s someone guilty of anything here it’s me.” Zac couldn’t let Taylor live with this responsibility any longer. He knew what he was doing when he asked Taylor to kiss him and they were both young. He shouldn’t have to bear all this on his own.

“I knew I shouldn’t, but you were right there, in my bed, looking soft from sleep and those damn lips… I was saying yes before you even asked.”

Zac remembered this kiss with fondness. It was his first kiss and he couldn’t ask for better partner. Taylor was patient and let him get used to each movement he tried, mimicking whatever Taylor did. There wasn’t anyone else on earth he would trust more to share this experience.

“By that time I was dreaming of an opportunity.” Zac confessed, holding Taylor’s chin and thumbing his lower lip. “I don’t know what got into me. I was probably jealous of that girl you went out with.”

“God, I didn’t even remember there was a girl.” Taylor laughed, kissing the thumb pressing on his lips. “I’ve never been that hard in my life. I remember you bit my lip and I had to stop, otherwise I’d have humped your leg until I came in my pants.”

“Well, I did.” Zac couldn’t even feel embarrassed about it anymore. “I told you this before, I think. I was hard even before we started kissing. Sharing a bed with you, all the possibilities… it was more than enough to get me off. I spent the night with cum in my boxers.”

Taylor made a face at the thought and Zac kissed him again. Just for the sake of it. Just because he could. They kissed open-mouthed, Zac finally moving to straddle Taylor completely, his knees on each side of his narrow hips, pressing their crotches together as his tongue licked behind Taylor’s teeth.

They knew the place didn’t allow this to be anything more than heavy making out, but it didn’t stop them to enjoying the moment. Taylor had both hands on Zac’s ass, squeezing and grounding his hips against his own, while Zac mouthed on his jaw and neck, tasting his salty skin from a day of work.

“I’d suck your dick if I didn’t know you probably haven’t washed it in two days.” Zac muttered on Taylor’s ear as he sucked on his earlobe, making him laugh breathlessly.

“You reek too, but you don’t see me complaining, do you?” Taylor retorted, but he was already helping Zac assume his former position by his side.

They stayed in silence for a while, trying to breath normally again. Zac adjusted himself, trying to get his erection in a more comfortable position until it flagged down and he felt Taylor doing the same next to him.

“These pants are too tight.” He complained, his hand squeezing his half-hard dick.

“I still don’t know how your balls didn’t shrink after all these years wearing skinny jeans like a fucking girl.” Zac mocked him, wanting nothing more than rub himself all over the back of those stupid jeans.

“You love my skinny jeans.” Taylor said all knowingly, as if he was reading his mind. “It turns you on more than you’d dare to admit when I dress like a fucking girl.”

“It does. Everything about you turns me on.” It came out more seductive than he intended and Taylor unconsciously squeezed the bulge in front of his pants again.

“Have you ever thought about doing this with any other guy?” Apparently their heart-to-heart wasn’t over. Zac turned so he could support his chin on Taylor’s chest as he looked at his face.

“Are you asking me if I’m attracted to guys other than you?” Taylor nodded and he considered the question for a moment.

“Yes. I don’t know. Maybe.” He wasn’t sure he had an exact answer. “I mean… we’ve worked with guys our whole life, I’d be lying if I said I never felt attracted to one or two of them. And yeah, I enjoy what we do together, it wouldn’t be that big of an extrapolation to think that I’d probably enjoy it with other men. But I’ve never been with a man other than you.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know… I was younger I’d be too scared of someone finding out. Our faces were everywhere for a while and I wasn’t as bold as you and Ike. And later I got with Kate and then got married. I wouldn’t cheat on her.” Taylor made a face that said that he thought it was bullshit. “I know what we do is technically cheating, but with you it doesn’t feel… that bad. You’re my brother. It feels more like a progression of our relationship than cheating.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Zac.” Taylor said, shrugging his excuse off. Zac meant it, though.

He would never sleep with any other woman or man while being with Kate. With Taylor it felt different. It was organic, part of what made him. It didn’t feel like he was replacing her. He loved Kate and he loved Taylor, and these two things lived in different spheres.

Zac knew Taylor had cheated on Natalie in the past. He had seen it happening in front of his eyes, when he tried to chaperone Taylor in parties and try to prevent him from getting too wasted. It was a fool’s errand, though. Taylor was hopeless back then.

“So you don’t see what we have as something special? Different somehow?” Zac knew he sounded needy, but he didn’t feel comfortable being clumped up with Taylor’s one night stands.

“Jesus, Zac… of course I do. I’ve never felt the way I do for you for anyone. Not even Nat.” He paused, apparently trying to find the right words. “But this is serious. We don’t exist independently when we are together. We both have families waiting for us at home and whether you like it or not this is far from being honest with them. This was our mistake the first time, pretending that this is not cheating just because it’s special, doesn’t make it less infidelity.”

All through their lives, Zac felt Taylor had the power to make him feel like a child when he spoke. The situation that he was seeing through his romantic eyes, Taylor had it explained with his usual pragmatism, making him feel silly and immature.

Of course this was a serious matter. He left Kate waiting for him with their sick child so he could spend that time with Taylor. It was selfish and it was cheating. He was breaking every promise he ever made to her, including coming back home soon.

Taylor probably saw the upsetting thoughts all over his face because he shook his head and caressed his cheek with his thumb.

“Don’t. Don’t go there. I’ve done it enough to know it doesn’t help.” He said calmly, bringing Zac for a soft kiss.

This was too hard. It wasn’t as if they had the option to drop everything and get married. Even if they weren’t brothers, they had families they loved dearly and would never let go. At the same time, Zac knew what they had would never go away. Those four years they spent apart were a conscious choice, but it wasn’t made because they didn’t want to be with each other anymore.

“Don’t you think it’s weird how we want to kiss all the time?” Zac asked with his lips still against Taylor’s. “I mean, I don’t feel like kissing Kate most times. And we have sex, but it’s nothing like what I feel when I see you. Don’t you think it should feel less… I don’t know, overwhelming after all this time?”

“Probably.” Taylor conceded. “I’m not gonna say I understand it either since I don’t. All I know if it was my choice, we would be like this all the time.”

Zac smiled widely unable not to be overjoyed with the knowledge that Taylor wanted him as much he wanted Taylor. They kissed again, slower, savoring the contact as much as they could. They both knew morning was coming and they would have to leave.

When Taylor tried to pry him away, Zac clutched to his shirt, pressing their mouths together forcefully, clearly saying he wasn’t ready to leave. Taylor didn’t fight back, letting himself be kissed, kissing back lovingly, with both hands cradling Zac’s face.

“What do we do now?” Zac wouldn’t accept being away from him again. It was out of question. He would fight for it if had too. Taylor sighed heavily and rested his forehead against Zac’s, his eyes closed.

“We… we have a long tour coming next year.” He started and Zac already liked where this was going. “I guess we could find some time to ourselves… look, there’s no easy way for this, ok? What he have, it’s a secret and will have to remain a secret for as long as we live. It will always be complicated and will take effort-”

“We’ll make it work.” Zac said confidently. The truth was he didn’t know if they would. He wanted to believe, tough. He had to.

“As long it doesn’t interfere with the band.” Taylor was firm about this and Zac understood. This work was everything to him.

“It won’t. I know it won’t.” At least he would do everything so it wouldn’t.

“You should probably go, Kate must be pissed…” Taylor made the mention of getting up, but Zac stayed in place, pressing him to the floor.

“Can we stay just a little more though? Just a little.” He was already in the doghouse. He didn’t see how a few more minutes would make any difference.

“I’m waiting for the day I’ll be able to say no to you.” Zac shook his head and pressed a kiss against Taylor’s jaw.

“I can answer this one for you. Never.”

Zac felt his back and hip aching from the time spent on the floor and he knew Taylor was probably terrible sore from the adding weight over him, but he didn’t want to leave before he had to.

“You know, I’ve always wanted go swimming with the sharks.” He started and Taylor lift a suspicious eyebrow at him.

“Really?” He asked, not liking where this was going.

“I doubt Ike would like to go with us. He’s a big pussy, he’d be too scared.”

“You know it’s not what I meant when I said we could find time for us, right?”

“But it works so perfectly! Please?” To make his point Zac moved his hand to the front of Taylor’s very tight jeans, rubbing his fingers there.

“I’ll… consider your proposition.” Taylor’s hips buckled into the contact and Zac smiled.

“It’s always so nice negotiate with you, Tay.” He moved and pressed his lips to Taylor’s again.

Inside their heads, that night lasted forever. Just the two of them on the floor of a place they worked together to establish, in the middle of instruments and cords, in their own element. Between them, there was a sense that it didn’t matter what waited for them outside, in the daylight.

They would always have this.

They would always have the nights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. I hope you guys enjoyed my little story.
> 
> I dedicated a lot of time to this and I feel very proud of it.
> 
> Thanks to each and every one of you who read, especially the people who took time to leave a comment and shared your thoughts with me. I appreciate all of you. 
> 
> I want to continue to write about this story. Not this one per se, but make it a series, write other moments through their lives. I hope you guys are interested in this idea.
> 
> Anyway. Thanks again.


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